I'm glad he feels safe talking to me...

amother

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 9:58 pm

My 15 year old has ADHD and so I'm not sure whether it's that he feels safe talking to me or that he just says things impulsively without thinking about it...

But he'll tell me he did things that any mother wants to scream "WHY???" to, like:

"Mommy, I was walking to a friend's house and shlepping so many heavy things, and this frum guy pulled up and offered me a ride! He was like Eliyahu Hanavi, I'm telling you...I never would have made it there on time without him. He was such a ba'al chessed."

"Mommy, did you know that I can [fill in the blank with a daredevil trick that if it went wrong could send a kid to the ER very easily]? It's so much fun!"

Things like that. Every fiber of my being wants to tell him how dangerous these things are. But I know that if I jump on him for every thing (and yes, these are very common conversations with him), all those parenting tips about trying to make it safe for your teen to come and tell you things say not to criticize! So I've tried inserting my opinion gently. Like "You know, just because looks frum, doesn't mean..." or "That reminds me of when you were younger and we talked about never getting into a car with someone who..." But he responds with "Nah, I'm telling you, he had a long white beard. You always worry too much, Mommy...Trust me."

With my younger kids, and with this kid when he was younger, I would have lectured, I would have sat them down and told them how dangerous this is. But now that he's a teen, I'm scared it will just make him not tell me things. But what's the point of him telling me things if I don't respond by telling him when something is a really bad idea??

amother

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:32 pm

Right, the thing is, this is one of many many stories he comes home telling me. Hashem is obviously keeping a close watch on him because the number of things that he does that I need to "impart to him how dangerous this is" is huge. My husband used to be the one to do this, but now he doesn't tell him anything because he knows that dh will lecture him about it.

He tells me about how he races down a huge hill on his bike to try to beat his best time. On the street. Not a side street, closer to a main street.

Things like that. He will not admit that he's doing something unsafe. He always thinks that we're overreacting. And he gets annoyed if we try to press the point. I can something about how it's not a good idea without him exploding, but if I keep on pushing he gets really upset. Again, that really ruined his relationship with my husband over time...I'm scared to push too hard, but also scared by the things he tells me.

It's a real thing, right? To be the person who will listen to your teen nonjudgementally? To not jump in and tell him what he's doing wrong, even if it's very wrong?

But then what??

amother

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:33 pm

freedomseek wrote:

You’re probably best off teaching those important safety rules at an opportune time with many graphic stories so that he understands
It doesn’t have to be in response to his mistakes, rather at a neutral time

Ooh, that makes a lot of sense. Thank you. Food for thought.

BrisketBoss

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:35 pm

It kind of depends if you think he'll listen to you. Be honest with yourself. If you believe that he will just do whatever he wants and nonetheless you will feel guilty if you don't say something--consider if someone else could say something instead? It's true that the slow down of information is a potential risk when you question his decisions. But that's worth it or it isn't, right? It could be that you are really happier not knowing certain things and you can say that if you decide it's the case.

amother

Crocus

Sun, Aug 27 2023, 2:59 am

When my 15 year old son tells me such stories, I listen. (Sometimes I would
Mention "wow, it's such Nissim that nothing happened... Hashem really watched over you...", this or that could've happened ch"v).
Most of the time, I would hold it in, and have a calm conversation with him when I go out with him for a walk. (While schmoozing, not that he should realize that I took him to discuss this topic). Usually it's the best time to broach it, as he's open to hear.

amother

Zinnia

Sun, Aug 27 2023, 5:43 am

This is my dh with adhd so I get it. It’s like his brain is wired differently and he doesn’t see the risks. He does it with the kids as well. Will them in the front seat without seatbelts “just down the road”, will have them ride his e-scooter with him, etc. etc. it’s always like “na it’s fine it’s nothing”. Thankfully my kids aren’t like that and I never lecture. I present them with the facts. Sometimes the facts are gory. Sometimes there are dead kids r”l. But sometimes my kids have to hear about dead kids so I can keep them from doing the same dangerous thing they did

amother

Stonewash

Sun, Aug 27 2023, 6:32 am

I have very similar stories from my sons who don't have adhd... the teenage brain is so impulsive and daring. Yes Hashem protects them and no they will not listen to any lecturing or graphic stories of danger. They do not entertain the thought for half a second that it can happen to them. It seems too farfetched. And when you bring it up at another time to discuss the dangers, even if it's not the same scenario but a similar one, they will roll their eyes and tell you that you don't know what you're talking about. Oh and can I please have my allowance, I'm going with my friends to that place that you always say isn't safe.