Minhag avoseinu vs a personalized derech

Chayalle

Mon, Sep 11 2023, 8:40 am

amother Cyan wrote:

So to play counter point- there is the balance of respect for your parents. When did your feelings become more important than their parents- now from the other perspective yes the parents want their child to be happy and connected, but somewhere the message I am seeing atleast in my community is all about me and my needs and a selfish self centered attitude that has been brewing and really showing itself now.

You could counter-argue that and say that it is entirely selfish and self-centered of parents to expect their children to live the parents' lifestyle, and not make choices for themselves, that speak to their neshama, that feels right to the child, just because it feels good to the parent. (In a materialistic sense, that would be similar to parents who used to force a certain career on their child, rather than the one that the child felt a passion for.)

I'm the wife of a husband who switched his davening to Nusach Ashkenaz. Actually, switched is really not correct. His parents sent him to yeshivas that followed that nusach, from kindergarten on, and at a certain point that just felt natural to him.
He also eats in the Succa on Shemini Atzeres. His parents accommodated that very graciously. I appreciate that they didn't make our Shalom Bayis miserable by allowing their son the freedom to grow in his own way.

For reference, I was born in the late 70's.

watergirl

Mon, Sep 11 2023, 8:57 am

For what it's worth, I have a neighbor I am close with who has all married kids. They ALL changed their minhagim from how they were raised. All but one is frum today, but all very different. They were raised with a ton of guilt and control, and today only one of their kids is still willing to come on YT to them. When I visit with them (which is often), she bitterly bemoans how the kids "do their own thing" and how they threw away their minhagim. I can very clearly see from my vantage point from the many stories I hear from her and from the kids I know that they grew up with such severe control, this was part of how they were able to remain frum - by learning other derachim.

amother

Brunette

Mon, Sep 11 2023, 9:15 am

There's a difference between minhag and a derech. Minhagim you should keep unless you have a good reason and then it's not simple to change. A derech - a person's personal way to Hashem, has no halachic significance.

So if for example someone litvish feels drawn to the chasidish style of davening, it's no problem to daven in a chasidish shul and enjoy it. What's a problem is to change from nusach ashkenaz to nusach sfard.

Another example: if someone feels drawn to the Brisk style of learning, it's no problem to learn in Brisk. But it may be a problem to take on Brisker minhagim.

There's also a difference between taking on a positive minhag where there was no particular minhag before and changing minhagim.
For example, we eat gebrokts on Pesach. It's not a "minhag" per se, not eating gebrokts is something some people took on. Everyone else just never took it on. We're not makpid about it, nothing will happen if we don't eat gebrokts. If I had a child who wanted not to eat gebrokts, I'd have no issue with that. On the other hand, someone who is makpid not to eat gebrokts, that's a positive minhag and to start eating gebrokts would be a serious shaala.

Or like I wear a single head covering. It's not a minhag only to wear a single one. It's just there's no reason to wear more. So if I had a daughter who wanted to wear 2, no problem. OTOH, someone who has a minhag to wear 2, that's a positive minhag and to stop wearing 2 would be a serious shaala.

watergirl

Mon, Sep 11 2023, 9:23 am

amother Brunette wrote:

And yet this is on the person who wishes to change his/her minhag to decide for themselves with their rav, and not for the parents to assert pressure, guilt, threats, shame, etc.