Husband hitting | Imamother

smss

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 5:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thank you. Very wise. Exactly. Not acceptable but doesn't mean I need to run for divorce. Working on it. Thank you EVERYONE for the support and advice!!

I hear how much you want to avoid divorce at all costs. And I'm not judging you, it's a huge huge step that is traumatic and difficult for everyone involved.

And, I also want to encourage you to view your goal not as "avoid divorce" but as "keep my family safe and whole". A home where the parents are married can still be a broken home if any members of the family are not safe, and a home with divorced parents can be happy and healthy and whole.

It's really your husband who needs to be ready, willing, and able to work on this. If he isn't, there's little you can do on your own to fix this.

amother

Cadetblue

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 5:14 pm

Harsh reality is that if someone does step in like child services then you could lose your kids as well for not protecting them even if you are not the one doing the hitting. They can remove your kids from your home R"L.
Not saying this so your husband can hide the marks better chas v shalom or threaten the kids not to tell...no such thing as a secret forever.
Please do get professional help now.

huff

Thu, Aug 24 2023, 4:21 am

To restate- this hitting is worse already than what I experienced. I was never hit on the face, it never left a mark, it was never in front of other people... and the consequences are life changing, soul destroying and not recoverable from. OP is obviously in denial just like my mother was and still is. You can watch the progression through this post from knowing its a problem to defending the abuser. And anyone else commenting and minimising the damage of hitting hard enough to leave a mark on a 5 year old... you are a part of the problem. I hope someone in the child's life notices and takes action. Being removed from this could literally save a child's life.

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Aug 24 2023, 6:25 am

amother OP wrote:

Well I e discussed it every which way.
Kindly, gently and nicely.
He has “his own approach”.
Basically, either be perfect or I’ll force you to be perfect. No looked away from it when it was only affecting me. My ow I can’t watch him do it to my kids.
He does it because he gets angry and doesn’t know how to deal with anything that’s not perfect. Ironically he often hits if he feels my older one is not being nice to a younger sibling.
I’ve definitely considered giving him an ultimatum or leaving- just so that I’m heard- but honestly- where would I go???
If I could lock him out I’d do that.
But I have a few little kids.
My oldest is still preschool age.
How and where would I go?

You need to react really strongly if you want things to change.
My husband list control completely and hit my oldest really hard once when he was 4. It had happened a few times before that he hit, but not hard like that.
I yelled at him that it's not ok, and asked him to leave. He didn't, so I took my kids and left- we went to a local cafe. I went back home when I knew he's not there, and locked him out. I messaged him that we don't feel safe because of his behavior and he should find somewhere else to stay for the night. He banged on the door quite a bit...
The next day we met with someone he'd listen to and had a long discussion about what happened.
It's been a few years and it hasn't happened since.

amother

Ballota

Thu, Aug 24 2023, 9:28 am

If he is not willing to hear you, maybe you can print some of the most on point responses in this thread and he can read for himself. I don't believe he has to be a narcissist or a bad person, maybe he just needs a good model and some re framing of what to do when he loses his temper. He may not realize how bad this behavior is.

Honestly, I personally was an angry child who grew out of my anger, but now that I have little kids, I sometimes lose it, and this thread was really eye opening for me as well. As a mother who gets angry when a 3 year olds is chutzpadik or a 2 year olds has a tantrum. Thank you all for helping me towards becoming a better mother.

amother

Thu, Aug 24 2023, 9:41 am

huff wrote:

Thank you for reiterating this.
I'm just explaining, I don't think I'm in denial. I may be trying to keep myself centered and focused and not to act impulsively based on the intense response I got here.
I appreciate everyone's input honestly.
I am taking multiple steps.
I just don't want to panic and do something in a non thought out way..
Thanks!

amother

Mint

Fri, Sep 15 2023, 12:07 am

OP,
I saw this and I thought of you.
I apologize - I saw a few weeks ago and I should have posted it earlier.
In case this can help.
And if it's not what you need, please don't be offended. I don't mean any harm - only in case it's helpful.

Free and Confidential Help
Sojourner 24 hour Domestic Violence Hotline
414 933 2722

more resources
milwaukeeJewish.org/shofar
text shofar to 51555

Even though it's a milwaukee thing, I think it's fine to call from anywhere and give it a try to see if they could help.

Hatzlacha Rabba OP,
May HaShem bless you with a sweet and healthy and happy New Year, and again I mean no offense if this is not relevant to you/not what you're looking for.