Medical Shidduchim! AMA

amother

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 6:37 pm

amother Lilac wrote:

What advice would you give for those who go through similar situations in terms of "settling" ? My son for example had a difficult time in the past and felt pressured and scared to say no to someone who was on a religious wave length than him because of his condition. What would you say is important and not negotiable and what things should be overlooked ?

I can’t really answer this for you
I can sympathize and tell you my moms line… “when you feel like you’re going to throw up from the compromises it’s Hashem telling you to move in”
Advice is daven daven daven and be proud of who your challenges made you
Hugs❤️

amother

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 6:39 pm

amother Scarlet wrote:

Interesting. I have another child, no health issues, married a boy who is hearing impaired. She dated him thru the regular shidduch system and he disclosed to her at a certain point, and she liked him and decided to marry him anyway.

My SIL claims that most boys with an issue like him will date thru regular shadchanim and disclose at a certain point, and that my younger daughter should do the same. However her issue is considered more serious by most, and I'm afraid to put her thru that. OTOH as I posted I'm finding the suggestions thru special shadchanim so far to be very compromising.

(as an example, she was suggested someone from a complicated and different-affiliation-than-us family background, and who is also quite a bit older than she. And another boy with learning/social issues, and she is a regular normal and actually very smart sociable girl. We looked into it, and said no to both.)

My husbands impairment is not something he can hard, although he does try!
I’m thinking I was redt to the same boys😅
But my sister in shidduchim has no medical or other issues and she’s skinny and pretty and really smart and she’s 24 and single and gets redt to all kinds of weirdos
So who can really know?

amother

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 6:43 pm

amother Babypink wrote:

I’m not really asking but applauding your approach. We did the same. My son and daughter in law are incredibly inspiring. Each has been through a battle. He got engaged like five minutes after being in shidduchim

Thank you!
I found it easier then desperately trying to hide being bald at 18… bh we are so lucky
And your kids sound awesome!

amother

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 6:44 pm

amother Lilac wrote:

Just want to add, and I may be outing myself here but oh well…
My husband is 9 years older then me
All the years he waited were simply because I was way too young to be in shidduchim
And then he had to wait for me to finish chemo! And grow hair
And then 3 years later we got married
Daven that whoever your child’s spouse is should be healthy and well and keep in mind they could be going through their challenge right now

amother

White

Sun, Oct 01 2023, 11:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

Did you write a book? If that's you, incredible story.

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 1:00 am

amother White wrote:

Did you write a book? If that's you, incredible story.

Lol. Nope. That book makes me angry actually

ETA not the book itself
The fact that for many many years, and even in some circles till today, that is the frum worlds view of cancer
4 months of patient chemo and byyyeee!!!
I went through hell
Extensive reconstructive surgery
Months and months of inpatient chemo
Many people need radiation although bh I didn’t
It took me years to feel normal
I live with side effects every day
It’s not so simple

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 1:01 am

amother NeonBlue wrote:

When you lost your hair, did you wear sheitals on dates?

I didn’t actively date bald… I was inpatient my whole chemo
I didn’t date for abt 2 years
Not for any particular medical reason, I just needed to get back to myself
By the time I was dating I had some of my own hair and some extensions

amother

Quince

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 1:09 am

My daughter with a medical condition is still young, but I worry for her.
She’s currently undergoing treatment, but it’s essentially a lifelong condition (not cancer).
Is there someone who guided you through the shidduch process either before or during?
Thank you for this post. I’m finding it encouraging.

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 1:36 am

amother Quince wrote:

No unfortunately
I wish I had someone like that!
But if it helps, I’m here now if you have any specific questions/worries…

amother

Lilac

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 11:45 am

not suggesting or encouraging , but out of curiosity did you ever feel you would want to become a shadchan for these kinds of situations ?

Another question. Was there any any genetic testing done for you or your husband ?

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 11:50 am

amother Lilac wrote:

Maybe one day when I can breathe between my pitzelach kah and my full time job😏

We did genetic testing for the hearing component before we got engaged