Not enough food at in-laws seudas

amother

Khaki

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 2:41 pm

Oh my. I'm a Mom of boys, oldest only 17. I keep thinking if I'll be a good MIL.
Reading this thread is reassuring me that at least in the food department I should be ok.
I always make way too much food and definitely have tons of cake cookies and snacks free for the taking.

My MIL's cooking is really not good. She also doesn't like if we cook in her kitchen.
We don't go often but if we do I come well stocked. She used to be insulted and make comments like "what you don't think I have enough food?". I learned not to get intimidated by it and just sweetly say something about the kids being picky.

Nowadays we jokingly tell our sons if your future wife doesn't like our food or thinks it's not enough please tell us! And besides that, we'll gladly let her cook something if she wants too...

Oh and my inlaws would keep the good nosh and chocolates in their bedroom closet. Probably a habit from when their kids were very little and they didn't want them to have access to it. They forgot to uodate it once their kids all got married.
As a DIL it basically meant I had no access to it unless they formally served it. But that was easy to bring my own and hide it in my suitcase.
In my home the nosh is in the kitchen closet. It has a child lock for my toddlers but my teens have easy access.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 4:43 pm

amother Stonewash wrote:

She actually hosts often but you're mainly correct about not enjoying cooking. I'm assuming other guests also eat more when they go home.

I always make sure to have enough of the basics for people to fill up on, like rice, challah etc especially if there are teens/big eaters. I understand not wanting to patchke in the kitchen but I think serving enough food is just the right thing to do.

I'm a bit surprised nobody has declined her invitations. To host and not to provide sufficient amounts of food is a huge turn off IMHO. I would frankly prefer to stay at home.

watergirl

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 4:48 pm

amother Hotpink wrote:

Wow I thought I have the same mother in law as OP down to the large family but this seems to be a common issue. Same issue here plus the meals are served so late. I literally broke down in tears on first days because I was weak from hunger and there was literally no food in the house except for the meager Seuda offerings which were still frozen solid in the freezer until 3 pm (we ate at 4). I am nursing a newborn and I told my husband that it felt like Yom Kippur except that I got a coffee. There wasn’t even cereal in the house to snack on. When we finally ate she brought 3 pieces of salmon out to be divided amongst 8 adults, an inch of clear soup per person, and a tiny piece of meat and a tablespoon of ferfel per person. There was plenty of challah at least which I stuffed myself with. Her portions are always really small but this time she really did it. Also there was no cake or anything to snack on.

Ok wow. This is a new level. Why does she do this?

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 5:27 pm

amother Molasses wrote:

That's convenient for you but doesn't solve the problem if the portions dished out are too small to satisfy. I personally hate when food arrives plated. Maybe I don't want a whole chicken leg. Maybe I don't want the kishke at all. But there it is on my plate and I either eat it or it goes in the trash. Haven't you people ever heard of bal tashchis?

I don't consider it bal tashchis if it means everyone is well served. It's ok to have leftovers. We serve generous portions to avoid exactly what op is describing. I think it's a bigger aveira to let your guests go hungry. Believe me I've been there & it's a form of torture ( sleep over guest with no option to eat at home).

amother

Peru

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 6:16 pm

I thought it was only my in-laws who did this. For a 3 day yuntif , my MIL always made the same thing, a huge turkey. And she brought it to the table for every meal. So we were eating turkey twice a day for 3 days. And she always invited people over even though we were already a lot of people. I know she was extremely frugal, so after the first couple of years, we just stopped going. Today, when I host , I go overboard. I never want my guests to feel hungry and sorry that they came.

amother

NeonPurple

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 6:29 pm

To the amother who posted she was so hungry because she only had a coffee:

Whenever we go away for Shabbos I bring a pack of rugelach, bottled water, apricots, kind bars, etc so that I can eat “breakfast” and not crash from not eating anything until 1 in the afternoon.
I also bring my own coffee so all I need is hot water milk and sugar. (Not a given in all homes though)

amother

Pewter

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 7:28 pm

amother Khaki wrote:

Don't worry your dils will complain about something else.

naomi2

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 8:31 pm

amother Peru wrote:

This takes the cake imo. I actually exclaimed out loud when I read this comment. It's certainly one of the most interesting things I've read here on imamother in the last 10+ years. If I had to stay over and be served the same dry turkey for 3 days in a row. I would cry and walk home- doesn't matter how far.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 8:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

Just clarifying, when I say there’s not enough food, I mean it. One piece of challa. Half a bowl of chicken soup, tiny piece of fish, main is always chicken either one drumstick or one thigh, one or two tiny side dishes- I’m taking probably 4 sliced potatoes and a few grilled vegetables.
Happy to bring something for the meal just the amounts I’m used to making for my small family are bigger than hers for a very large family! Just hope to not look like I’m hinting that there isn’t enough.
The picky eater excuse sounds good just hope it’s subtle enough.

I think it depends on the relationship you have with your in laws. Is you MIL sensitive? I personally would be thrilled to accept any contributions to the meal unless it is offered mean-spiritedly.
Really important you never say to your kids or dh how you feel.

BTW halachically you need certain amount of challah to bench. Is that big peice big enough (38ml worth ?)

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 8:54 pm

amother Hotpink wrote:

MIL did the same, many times. I broke down in tears one Shabbos - I was hormonal and pregnant so it is understandable but I WAS STARVING!! Practically ate the tissues. Couldnt wait to get home. Hated visiting so we didnt do it often. The food was a factor and she hovered when we came and unpacked so I couldnt bring food or drinks. She was always out of coffee but my dh said we couldnt bring or she would be insulted.

Once, FIL who volunteers for chessed had to leave just before meal, MIL decided we are all waiting till he returns, no food for anyone. Seriously no food. He returned many hours later. Turned out he was given food where he was and thought we had eaten. Turned that yuntif into YK.

Much later I was told by friends, neighbors and other fam members that they had the exact same experience.
My MIL still tries to control how other pple eat.

I have learned that different homes have different standards and to take care of myself by discretely bringing my own food.

Message to hosts- please make sure you have enough (normal) food or dont invite. If you subscribe to a weird diet- have the decency to have normal food for others or warn in advance.