AMA I am anti-babysitter and CIO

amother

Butterscotch

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 4:33 am

Well if this isn't the "let them eat cake" of AMA threads. OP's DH makes USD 300k a year and she judges other people who can't stay home with their babies like she can? "Why can't your DH just make 300k if you valued staying home with your kids so much?"

I once dated a guy who was insistent that I shouldn't work Fridays (in the U.S.) and that if my boss wouldn't allow this, I should just find another job. I worked for a law firm that was very respectful toward my religious needs but the entire Friday off is not a halachic requirement. This guy had an admirable "follow your dream" approach toward a career, making almost no money as a visiting researcher. Of course, it didn't hurt that his parents were loaded and that he already owned multiple properties so never had to worry about being homeless on the street, like I did. I think he had some kind of credit card that impressed some people but meant nothing to me because I was too poor to even think about these upper echelon cards. (Sort of like the "Song of the South" lyrics I love, "Somebody told us Wall Street fell, but we were so poor that we couldn't tell.".)

Don't get me wrong, enjoy your money and the luxuries and ability to stay home, gezunteheit! But understand that your ability to stay home is a privilege you were gifted, not some moral high ground. If you had to choose between living on the sidewalk and not sending to a babysitter, or sending to a babysitter and being able to pay rent, I hope you'd make the moral decision for your kids and choose a roof for them over your anti-babysitter "value".

amother

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 4:49 am

amother Butterscotch wrote:

Sounds like you had the chance to marry someone who had financial stability, could provide well for you through his properties and his familial money, and who cared enough about you and his future children to ask if you could not work on Fridays, presumably so you could have more time to prepare the house for shabbos and watch your kids on a short school day. Now I don’t know anything else about this guy, maybe he was a jerk, but from the way you described him it sounds like he offered you a great deal.

And if you read the thread you’ll see I said multiple times that I would send to a babysitter before being unable to meet basic food and shelter needs. But that doesn’t negate the harm of sending infants to babysitters.

amother

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 4:52 am

erm wrote:

"Shidduchim are in Hashem"s hands" but not parnassah? Not everyone earns enough to have the luxury of staying home. It is up to Hashem! You are blessed that Hashem gave your husband enough parnassah so that you can stay home.
If he was making 50K would you be able to pull it off?

You’re right, parnnasa is in Hashem’s hands. Which is why even when my husband was making very little I made the choice to stay home with my infants and trust that I was doing what Hashem would want me to do with the precious little neshama He gave me, and He would provide what my family needed.

amother

Springgreen

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 6:10 am

Ema of 5 wrote:

That was a technicality. He stayed with his biological mother, not the mother who raised him. Not saying it’s better or worse, but not really the same as what’s being discussed here. Had he nursed from the Mitzri wer nurse, he would not have been with Yocheved.

Not a technicality. I read once (do not know the source) that these three years with his mother and his family were essential to prepare him for life. He was able to retain his identity and faithfulness to Gd, despite having been brought up in Pharoh's palace, because of these three years with his mother and family.

I don't have access to the original article, and I don't remember exactly what it said: whether these three years allowed Moshe to learn fear of Gd and empathy, or emotional regulation, or an identity of himself as a member of the Jewish nation. All are plausible. But whatever it is, his three years with his mother and family are what gave him a foundation for life.

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 6:12 am

phoebe12 wrote:

How disturbing to discover at the age of 42 that my brother and I were abused and neglected because my mother went back to work full-time. She made more money and carried the health insurance, but I guess she should have stayed home. A good friend and neighbor of hers did stay home with her children. My mother regularly observed her friend screaming at the kids and hitting them. But at least she was home with them!

Nobody is saying to stay home and yell and hit the children.
Truthfully, the answer will be different for every family. If a mother isn’t capable of doing it then obviously she should do what’s best for her children, in your mother’s friend’s case that may have been to get a compassionate babysitter.

Ema of 5

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 6:14 am

amother Springgreen wrote:

The point I was making is that it happened because that’s how Hashem orchestrated it to be. It didn’t happen because Batya specifically wanted him to be with Yocheved. It didn’t happen because Yocheved wanted it to be that way. Yocheved sent her child away at 3 months to save his life. She didn’t know that she would see him again.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 6:20 am

amother OP wrote:

I’ve been reading a lot of the thread and a lot of your comments . Honestly , I don’t think you’re a very nice or likeable person . You also seem to have a lot of character traits that do not make for a good mother . For example: Rigidity . Stubbornness. Failure to listen or understand . And I don’t have a chip on my shoulder or any need to feel defensive as I stayed home with all my babies . Some of them till past two years old . And I only sent to playgroup then because I was told to by my child’s therapist . I don’t believe in CIO . I sleep with my kids till their 3 years old . And I don’t let them cry ever . My 8 year old still comes into my room every night.

Sorry to be so blunt , but you “tell it like it is “ so I guess it’s ok if I do so as well.

amother

DarkViolet

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 6:43 am

amother OP wrote:

Wow. This just shows how your priorities are messed up. If a guy is not a jerk and can support you really well - grab him. It doesn't matter if you are not attracted to him, he doesn't set aside time for learning, he is not careful with mitzvot. He is not a jerk and he is loaded. Grab him, girls!

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 6:53 am

amother OP wrote:

There's a name for this type of a girl - gold digger.

I have read that big Rabbanim have written that people who marry for money - it often doesnt end well.

amother

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 6:55 am

amother DarkViolet wrote:

Where did she ever say that she wasn’t attracted to him, or that he didn’t set aside time for learning or mitzvos??

The only complaint she shared with us was that he asked her not to work on fridays.

amother

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 6:58 am

amother Crimson wrote:

OP, my AMA question is how many hours a day is your DH home and how many hours does he see the kids daily? Do you make it a priority he is home for mealtime, goes to shiur after kids are sleeping etc?

His work hours vary. I’d say that it averages out to about 2/3 days a week where he sees the kids for just a few minutes in the morning and evening, and 2/3 days a week where he spends 2-3 hours with the kids in the morning and evening, takes them to school etc. We almost never eat supper together as a family because my kids like to eat early, but we almost always eat breakfast together. He wakes up 5:30am to go to minyan. He learns nightly at 10:30pm.

amother

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 7:00 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I understand why you have that impression of me! Though I will say I haven’t been responding to people with any tone that wasn’t initiated by them first.

ETA I think I responded to many posters with much more respect and kindness than they responded to me.

amother

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 7:04 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

And I’d like to add, I have listened with open ears to the responses on this thread. I definitely have gained more sympathy for mothers who must work, and I am more understanding that not everyone can make it happen regardless of how hard they try. Just because I still believe that virtually all infants at babysitters face some sort of king and short term neglect and repercussions, doesn’t mean I don’t sympathize. But I don’t see how if using babysitters is a necessity for someone, it means their baby won’t suffer from the babysitter. It’s unfortunate of course but it’s still my opinion. You can have a different one.

I also still believe that the vast majority of young yeshivish mothers don’t be attempt to be a SAHM, and I haven’t heard a single person argue on that.

I also changed my viewpoint from this thread in regards to age. I think it’s possible to find an appropriate babysitter without serious repercussions for kids 18+ months, not only 2-3 years old.