Mother doesn’t respect our no shoe rule

amother

Oxfordblue

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 1:40 am

amother OP wrote:

Why do guests need to be so difficult?

We are a shoe free house. For those that are not familiar with this, it means we take our street shoes off when we enter the house and wear slippers or house only shoes at home. We have small children including a crawler and like to keep our home this way.

My mother constantly’forgets’ the rule although there’s a big pile of shoes near the front door. We purchased expensive slippers for her and put them out when she comes. She is not an old bubbie who wears orthopedic shoes - she still wears quite the high heels so it’s not that.
She thinks it’s nonsense and she should be able to do what she wants when she comes to our house. I’ve hinted/given gentle reminders and she pretends not to get it. I don’t want to be a brat and ask more firmly but it really bothers me. I swallow it for kibbud eim but I really resent it.

I haven't read the whole thread, just this post.

Is it just this issue, or is there more to the story? If it is just a one-issue problem, just the shoes, I'd suggest waiting to wash the floor until just after she visits, or just ignoring it completely. I know it's hard, but in the scheme of things it's a little thing.

If it's not just the shoes, I'd suggest taking a step back and taking a serious look at the rest of the relationship before you continue. If the shoes is a symptom of her not respecting boundaries in general, there's a lot more going on that needs to be taken into account before anyone can give you advice on what to do.

amother

Oxfordblue

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 2:02 am

amother Freesia wrote:

This is OCD. Not normal. It's degrading to treat people this way, as well as controlling from your part.

If you really think she has OCD then it is super judgmental, degrading, and not okay for you to speak to her this way or accuse her of being controlling, because OCD is not something in the person's control. To the contrary, if this is OCD then she needs compassion, not judgment.

PS it's not degrading to ask people to take their shoes off when they come in.

amother

Oxfordblue

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 2:07 am

amother Antiquewhite wrote:

I understand the no-shoe mentality, but I would feel quite icky if I had to wear someone else's slippers, even if they fit me (they never do) and were comfortable and had been Lysolized to death. Maybe OP's mother can bring a spare pair of her own shoes and leave them permanently at OP's house to change into upon arrival. OP can disinfect the outsoles and mom can wear them only at dd house, never outside. That would leave mom her dignity, comfort and safety, and satisfy OP's germaphobia.

OP bought her mother an expensive pair of slippers that are just for her mother, to wear when she visits. Her mother isn't interested.

imaima

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 2:03 pm

Cheiny wrote:

It’s very interesting that you’ve begun citing your parents as also having the no-shoes rule, and using that as proof that it’s the right thing, yet you repeatedly say parents’ wishes don’t need to be respected if they don’t want to remove their shoes in their children’s homes.

Which one is it? Do we respect and hold from our parents’ wishes? Or is that only applicable when they agree with your rules?

We respect the wishes of the people who host you. That’s the principle. You don’t get to decide how other people run their house even if it’s your kids.

I never cited my parents. I am not sure you know what citing means.
Bless your heart

amother

Freesia

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 2:08 pm

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

It is degrading, as well as disrespectful, to ask guests to remove their shoes. Especially elderly. And to ask this of a parent, is just chutzpah.

amother

Freesia

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 2:09 pm

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

OP bought her mother an expensive pair of slippers that are just for her mother, to wear when she visits. Her mother isn't interested.

Buying mom expensive slippers, doesn't make it ok or appropriate to ask mom to remove her shoes.
It's embarrassing to read that posters here think it's an appropriate thing to ask of a mother or elderly.

Cheiny

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 2:42 pm

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

OP bought her mother an expensive pair of slippers that are just for her mother, to wear when she visits. Her mother isn't interested.

So? What if the mother isn’t comfortable in them or has another reason she prefers to keep her shoes on?

Cheiny

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 2:43 pm

imaima wrote:

Your post speaks for itself.