Hugging 16yo DS | Imamother

amother

Zinnia

Thu, Oct 19 2023, 8:30 am

amother Olive wrote:

For all of you (which seems like most people) who hug their teenage boys often, my question is when??? Even my teenagers who don’t dorm are barely home. They leave before I’m up and sometimes come home once I’m in bed. They come say hello/goodnight but it would be awkward if I jumped out of bed to give them a hug but maybe I just should anyway?

I hug my elementary school aged boys all the time but there’s a lot more opportunities for it.

It’s a problem with boys who dorm but whenever they are home I give every boy a goodnight hug or kiss, even my 20yr old. If I’m already in bed they come in to my room to say goodnight and I will reach up to give them a hug and kiss.

keym

Thu, Oct 19 2023, 10:12 am

I don't.
I would if they let, but they don't want hugs or kisses so I let them dictate.
I offer hugs and kisses often. I do affectionate touch- playful swats, backslap, shoulder rub, cheek pat. I verbally say I love you.
Of course I'd love to hug them, but I have to respect their wishes.

Ftr, I rarely hug my teenage daughter, also as per her request. Some people are not huggers, even though they all were as kids.
That's ok.

I want to add that I remember in the late 90s, early 00s when I was a teen and young adult, literature and psychology was full of the "hug your kids" stuff. I remember reading articles at the Dr.
Probably to counteract the coldness that our boomer parents were raised with.
But I remember myself and many friends talking about being forced by their parents into a daily hug or kiss.
I hated being guilted into mandatory good morning kisses and good night hugs, and so many of my friends hated it also.
So our generation hugs with consent, doesn't mean our kids are being raised coldly or with no physical touch. Just consent

Last edited by keym on Thu, Oct 19 2023, 10:21 am; edited 1 time in total

Cheiny

Thu, Oct 19 2023, 10:14 am

amother OP wrote:

Do you hug your teenage boy on a regular basis? Does anyone hug just when he's going off to yeshiva for the day? Should I be doing that? I don't hug any of my little kids when they leave either, except for maybe my preschooler. Wonder what most people do??

Absolutely! You’re doing your children a lifelong favor by teaching them to accept and give affection, and it’s also very emotionally beneficial for children (and adults) of any age.

It’s a great habit to get into to hug and or/kiss each child and tell them you love them every single day.

Last edited by Cheiny on Thu, Oct 19 2023, 11:57 am; edited 1 time in total

Cheiny

Thu, Oct 19 2023, 10:16 am

amother OP wrote:

Right, so I don't want him to feel awkward...

He may feel awkward because he’s not used to it.
Start giving him a quick peck when he leaves the house in the morning, or when saying goodnight and build from there.

amother

DarkGray

Thu, Oct 19 2023, 10:17 am

amother Zinnia wrote:

You are correct physical touch /physical affection is crucial and needed at every age.

Isn’t there such a thing as it not being beneficial if you dislike it?
Like chocolate is delicious to most, but some people hate it. If you get them a box of chocolates to help them feel better-it just won’t work.
Why can’t we respect that some don’t like it, instead of insisting that hugs and kisses are musts for everyone?

ShishKabob

Thu, Oct 19 2023, 11:17 am

amother DarkGray wrote:

This!!! Thank you! (five love languages remember?)

AlwaysGrateful

Thu, Oct 19 2023, 11:48 am

Agreed. Every kid is different.

I have one teenage boy who craves hugs and physical touch. I just wouldn't do it in front of his friends. I have one who feels a little bit awkward about it but allows it. And I have one who visibly cringes and hates it. I make sure that the last one gets some physical touch, even if it's just a quick hand on his shoulder (but it has to be quick). But I'd never push something like a hug if it was unwanted.

zaq

Thu, Oct 19 2023, 12:27 pm

amother Zinnia wrote:

You are correct physical touch /physical affection is crucial and needed at every age.

But not necessarily full-body hugs. Rumpling his hair, mock-pinching his cheek, holding his face in your hands, even a fist-bump can be all a person wants or needs. The affection and connection that go along with the gesture are what is truly important