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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
amother
OP
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Mon, Jul 26 2021, 10:48 pm
We live in the NY area and are somewhat yeshivish, but we did not grow up that way. DD1 is in shidduchim. We were told by a friend that whenever DD meets a shadchan, we are supposed to pay them for their time. I know that some charge for their time and say so at the outset, but I did not know that it is understood that one sends money. Is this the case? If so, how much is appropriate?
I have also been hearing that it is appropriate to send a gift to the Shadchan after a date, even if the shidduch does not work out. Did one send a gift after each date of the shidduch is going to continue to a next date? How much is appropriate here?
TIA for your help
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amother
Eggshell
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Tue, Jul 27 2021, 12:20 am
amother [ OP ] wrote: | We live in the NY area and are somewhat yeshivish, but we did not grow up that way. DD1 is in shidduchim. We were told by a friend that whenever DD meets a shadchan, we are supposed to pay them for their time. I know that some charge for their time and say so at the outset, but I did not know that it is understood that one sends money. Is this the case? If so, how much is appropriate?
I have also been hearing that it is appropriate to send a gift to the Shadchan after a date, even if the shidduch does not work out. Did one send a gift after each date of the shidduch is going to continue to a next date? How much is appropriate here?
TIA for your help | I don't think this is the norm to pay a shadchan or give a gift after each date. If someone tries to set her up a lot, then it's nice to get them a gift.
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amother
NeonYellow
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Tue, Jul 27 2021, 9:15 am
I didn’t go through shidduchim but all of my siblings did and I never heard of this
The shadchan was only paid/given a gift if the shidduch worked out
If they went on a substantial amount of dates but it didn’t go any further, usually a gift is given also
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amother
NeonBlue
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Sat, Oct 28 2023, 9:55 pm
I am a shadchan and find it very appreciated when someone comes to meet me and gives me money for my time I met them and will try to look out for them iyh.. I stop everything and put my work and family on the side to meet your daughter show appreciation
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amother
DarkGray
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Sat, Oct 28 2023, 10:14 pm
My family has been in the Shidduch Parsha for many years - knh we are a not small family with kids close in age so we are in this for years.
Re paying a shadchan- for those who tell me outright they charge I pay them , otherwise no. Although one shadchan I took one DD to meet asked me for a donation to a tzedakah she a involved with. I donated nicely.
Re sending shadchanim a gift - if it gets to five or more dates or if they put in a lot of extra effort even if it doesn’t work out I send a gift. Even as the mother of a boy who gets many many names . I’m not doing it to flatter the shadchan I’m doing it out of hakaras hatov.
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amother
Midnight
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Sat, Oct 28 2023, 10:27 pm
Why would you give a Shadchan a gift. They are spending their time on you, pay them.
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amother
NeonBlue
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Sat, Oct 28 2023, 11:53 pm
I have met ppl so many inconvenient times because they were in and I tried my best to see them eventhough it was so inconvenient like sunday afternoon when my kids were home or at night when I had a few simchas to attend etc and I squeezed them in and they knew I was doing them a big favor .. if I was the one coming I wud have given a check.. and forsure after any date even one and done every side should show hakaros hatov.. do nt burn us out shadchanim .. I feel burnt out from all the harrassment and no hakaros hatov..
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amother
Burlywood
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Sun, Oct 29 2023, 2:17 am
amother NeonBlue wrote: | I have met ppl so many inconvenient times because they were in and I tried my best to see them eventhough it was so inconvenient like sunday afternoon when my kids were home or at night when I had a few simchas to attend etc and I squeezed them in and they knew I was doing them a big favor .. if I was the one coming I wud have given a check.. and forsure after any date even one and done every side should show hakaros hatov.. do nt burn us out shadchanim .. I feel burnt out from all the harrassment and no hakaros hatov.. |
Same here!
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amother
Burlywood
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Sun, Oct 29 2023, 2:19 am
amother DarkGray wrote: | My family has been in the Shidduch Parsha for many years - knh we are a not small family with kids close in age so we are in this for years.
Re paying a shadchan- for those who tell me outright they charge I pay them , otherwise no. Although one shadchan I took one DD to meet asked me for a donation to a tzedakah she a involved with. I donated nicely.
Re sending shadchanim a gift - if it gets to five or more dates or if they put in a lot of extra effort even if it doesn’t work out I send a gift. Even as the mother of a boy who gets many many names . I’m not doing it to flatter the shadchan I’m doing it out of hakaras hatov. |
Yes, I tell people to donate as well.
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amother
Burlywood
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Sun, Oct 29 2023, 2:19 am
amother NeonBlue wrote: | I am a shadchan and find it very appreciated when someone comes to meet me and gives me money for my time I met them and will try to look out for them iyh.. I stop everything and put my work and family on the side to meet your daughter show appreciation |
Agreed!
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