Chosson's mother told me this

SunnyDayz

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 6:55 am

I have never heard of this! These color choices sound very random. Black could go either way. For some they might feel it's sad and funerial. For others, it makes up most of their wardrobe. A lot of frum women default to black. Can you ask the root of this "minhag"?

oneofakind

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 7:09 am

Very weird random. Nothing to do with you but you would want to tell the kallah to discuss with chassan if this is a real thing. Maybe she said minhag when she meant personal preference? I mean, black? Seriously?

Notsobusy

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 7:16 am

amother Aubergine wrote:

Most minhagim are discussed before getting engaged??
I believe most are discussed when they first come up in real life.
Would someone really change their mind about marrying someone because of a minhag like this one?
Is it such a big deal to stay away from a few certain colors for Simchos?
In the secular world, there at least used to be a rule of not wearing black dresses to weddings. (Though Tuxedos for men were approved.)
Now, that’s truly a tough one!!

You're not expected to discuss every minhag before getting engaged, but if you're family has a very unusual minhag that might really upset the kallah, then it's a pretty good idea to discuss it before. If the kallah loves pink and she can never again wear it to a simcha, she might want to know that ahead of time. I don't know that I would not marry the guy because of it, but I would want to know.

amother

Aquamarine

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 7:18 am

Did she mean that this is like an unofficial family meshugaas and she called it a minhag?? Maybe it's just a matter of language.

amother

Jade

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 7:23 am

Notsobusy wrote:

Black ane pink are not the same. Not being able to wear black is extremely.......limiting.

What circles DON'T wear black?

amother

Purple

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 7:24 am

Did she mention it in a nice conversation as something interesting about her family, or did she imply that she’s expecting that from others?
Not that it matters, you do you, especially when it’s not a real minhag or it has no rhyme or reason.

amother

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 7:26 am

amother Purple wrote:

Oh, it was 100% said in a way that no one should wear those colors.

imaima

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 7:28 am

amother OP wrote:

Oh, it was 100% said in a way that no one should wear those colors.

I can see this becoming a 25 page thread…

I hope you replied that in your family, it is a minhag to wear black, pink and purple for sheva brochos, so you are sticking with those

NechaMom

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 7:33 am

amother OP wrote:

No.

Purple, pink and black are the colors.

And the source of this custom is?

Tell her you have a custom never to wear earrings, a necklace, or lipstick at simchos.

NechaMom

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 7:39 am

amother Aubergine wrote:

Something so weird and random, if it’s important to the chosson that the kallah should follow, needs to be discussed in advance.

Highstrung

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 7:56 am

I’m wondering if this minhag came from a Bubby who’s DH thought she didn’t look great in pink , purple and black and the next generations took this on as a minhag since their Bubby scoffed at those colors 🤔.
OP, please get to the source of the minhag and kallah should find out from her chassan whether he will be makpid with this?

SG18

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 7:59 am

I've been thinking about this for a while. I think she's referring to the color of the wedding- the gowns mothers and sisters of the bride and groom will wear on the night of the wedding.
Even that doesn't really make sense- even if you don't like black gowns, why not pink or purple?

zaq

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 8:22 am

It's their custom, not yours. If they didn't wear sheitels, would you feel you had to wear a headscarf? If they wore only sheitels and you wore a hat, would you feel obligated to wear a sheitel? This is no different.

If they really have this minhag --as opposed to a family custom (because great-Granny, who was rather domineering, didn't like those colors and wouldn't talk to anyone who wore them) which has zero halachic basis-- then your DD will have to decide for herself what to do. Usually a bride takes on her husband's family's minhagim--again we speak of minhagei Yisrael, not family whims--EXCEPT when they are personal, like type of head covering, method and number of candles lit, and mode of dress.

But in any event, your mechutanim's minhagim have no relevance to you. Do not go out and buy a different dress. Wear the doubtless gorgeous dress you bought and have much nachas from your young couple.

little neshamala

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 8:25 am

My knee jerk reaction is that this mother in law doesnt like those colors, and wants everyone at her simchas to be dressed in colors she likes.
And she made up the "minhag" part so she doesnt sound like a controlling freak.
But I could be wrong.

essie14

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 8:36 am

There is a thread somewhere on this site about minhag vs chumra vs mesora vs "something our family does"
Not wearing 3 colors to a simcha is not a minhag. (by the way, what are the parameters of a simcha? Wedding and SB only? Bris? Yarzeit siyum? Family reunion? The possibilities are endless)

There's no basis for this.

Let your DD's mother do whatever she wants, but this has ZERO relevance to you.
Please wear your beautiful new clothes and enjoy your simcha.

Chayalle

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 8:50 am

One of the questions I ask about a boy/family in the shidduch process is if they have any special chumrahs. I think I'm gonna expand that for my next DD to include minhagim, etc...BH my first mechutanim have no meshugasin that I know of, so far.

That is totally bizarre, OP, and no, you do not have to accommodate. Tell her it's YOUR minhag to wear davka those colors to a Simcha. (I just wore one of those colors to DD's wedding!)

Kidding, do things medarkei shalom as much as possible, but wear whatever you want.

amother

Papayawhip

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 9:19 am

I am sitting here trying to understand how they can make sure at every family simchah that no one, not a single person comes in a black dress..

librarygirl

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 9:29 am

I'm guessing pink and purple because they're derivatives of red (although so is orange) and black I have no idea. Funerals? Either way, I would bring it up in advance so she doesn't feel personally slighted at the Simcha that she told you and you ignored her. " I just want to let you know that while I respect your minhag, it is not mine. I already spent money on a dress this color and plan on wearing it. " what to do about your daughter I have no idea.