I feel like a terrible mother

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 4:55 pm

My community has a chanukah parade every year and it’s a highlight for me. This year I have an almost 3 month old, my first. And I was extra excited to experience the parade with him. The day finally came for the parade and it happened to be the same day we got him the rest of his vaccines. He had a strange day and was off his “schedule” even before we got the vaccines. But I was determined to take him for his first parade. I made sure to feed him right before. We get in the car and all goes well till halfway through he starts screaming. I’m hoping he will fall asleep but nope. Still screaming. So I pump and give him a bottle and he finally falls asleep. The parade is over and it was beautiful but was also hard that I was so focused on him and couldn’t fully enjoy. But I know that now Is the time for me to care for him. We get to the end of the parade and there is music and food and a tent set up. We park and he wakes up and is screaming again. I’m hoping getting him out of his car seat will help so I put a snowsuit on and take him outside. Big mistake. It’s freezing and he just screams louder and will not calm down. I try for a few minutes at this point I am flustered and overwhelmed. And I just tell my husband that we are going home. I feel like a terrible mother for not being able to keep him calm. For taking him out in the first place. I feel terrible that I’m upset I couldn’t enjoy my favorite part of chanukah. But I feel more terrible that he was so uncomfortable and not happy with being out. I should have just stayed home. I guess this is more of a vent and wondering will it ever get easier? Is this normal? Am I terrible for trying to go out?

amother

Wine

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 5:04 pm

Hugs, sounds like you had a stressful day. These days happen in parenting life. It's not the end of the world.

I think you need to separate out the reason why you went to the parade. Was it for your baby, or for you? You wrote you were excited for "his first parade". I don't want to belabor the point because it seems you already learned this lesson today, but 3 month olds do not care about parades. Not even a little bit. All they care about is eating, sleeping and being held.

Now, if you went for yourself to enjoy the parade, that is perfectly legitimate. A mother needs to enjoy herself too in order to be healthy. But I think you need to be clear about your motivations and understand why you're doing what you're doing. If you went for yourself, that's ok. You tried to get out, you saw people, it didn't work out, so you went back home. But if you're telling yourself you went for your baby when he so clearly didn't enjoy, you're setting yourself up for a lot of guilt because from that perspective your mission was a complete failure.

It's ok to try to do things for you. Nourishing your own emotional health is going to be good for your baby too, in the long run. It might not always be so practical, but it's fine to try and see if things work out. For next outing, you will have a more realistic gauge of your baby's capabilities.

In general, kids don't need much in the way of outings until they're about 1, and even at that age, you don't need more than a nice walk outside in the stroller. They won't remember it anyway.

Lemonade 2323

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 5:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

You are not a bad mother!
On the contrary you're a great mom. You wanted to go to the parade but instead spent most of the time caring for your baby.
If he had just had his vaccines he would've been unhappy even had you not gone out.

I remember taking my first child to appointment at 6 weeks-it literally took me hours and I was so stressed.

It really does get easier!
Be'H you should enjoy many more chanukah parades in the years to come.

amother

Acacia

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 5:10 pm

You actually sound like a great mother! You did everything right!!

And yes, the newborn stage does end. By next year your baby should be interested in what's going on at the parade.

And also, sometimes (while I don't think this qualifies) life with a newborn means the baby has to tag along even though it's not the best thing for him right now. For example, my baby goes to sleep at 630. But last night we had a chanukah party that started at 6. And life doesn't stop or go on hold for 3 years because we have a baby. So we went to the party, and my baby was tired, and we did our best to make it work. So we changed her into pj's before we left and she bh transferred nicely to her crib when we got home. But even though at times she was cranky and tired, I was not a horrible mother for taking her out when it wasn't a good time for her.

ittsamother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 5:19 pm

I agree with everyone here. And- it will get easier and it will also get harder, in seasons. Sometimes the age your kids are makes it easier to take them places and sometimes it's harder. When you just have one and they're little, you can usually take them along, to sheva brachos and weddings and grocery shopping, things like that. When they're a little older and really need their routine, it can get harder. Then they get older yet and can start enjoying the activities, but are hard because you need to be so on top of them. Then it gets easier cuz they can just run around and do their thing while you shmooze with people at your table- except by then you probably have another toddler and a baby so you have your hands full anyway. Then eventually your youngest is old enough to run around on their own and you can just chill like you did when all you had was a peaceful 4 month old! But I'm sure there are other difficulties. Basically, in short, it will be hard in different ways, cuz nothing was as simple and easy as just being an adult on your own was. But you'll have other joys from them that make it worth it, IYH.