How to speak to teen DD about dressing slightly s#xy

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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Chayalle

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 7:10 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

Who are you to judge?
I made the best decision reaching out to a rav to guide me in shailos I had about tznius!
So judgmental. If not her mom then maybe a Rebbetzin, but not her mom imo. A rav can also be in the context of a class discussion, there is nothing wrong with that and it’s normal.
I don’t understand how it’s normalized to bring bedikas and talk shalom bayis issues with a rav but this is somehow unacceptable.
Also it’s important to note that the whole idea of tznius is from the Talmud and not from a woman

I think it's fine if you reach out to a Rav yourself. But if you set your teen daughter up for such a discussion, I can't see it going well.

amother

Birch

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 7:29 pm

I was that daughter. Don't say anything. I absolutely hated when my mom would bother me about wearing tight shirts it made me feel sooooo self conscious and gross. It's normal for girls to appreciate attention from boys. Just keep on eye on her and make sure she has a good sense of self- respect and keep communication open.

chanatron1000

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 7:30 pm

It's important for her to have access to appropriate general information. This can be given in a way that doesn't invade her space or sexualize her.

amother

Birch

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 7:32 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

As someone who went through a parental figure criticizing me about my looks being too attractive I deeply suggest not to do it and instead to have a rav or her father speak to her about it. As men they impart the right values and can show her it’s not so nice.
The fact you have a great relationship with her is worth keeping your comments to yourself, so that when she does share, you can enable her to see the right way in a gentle tone that she might pick up and respect.
At the same time, she is young and still exploring the world, it takes time for someone like that to examine themselves and their relationship to Hashem deeply, in order to apply the laws of tznius from a place of honesty and sincerity, and not because “mommy and daddy” said so.
Maybe consider the community - if you are more MO, maybe switching to a different type of a community will be a more indirect move to possibly enable better growth.
There’s no better examples than your environment or a difficult situation, which makes one learn from it.

Completely disagree . As much as I hated my mom bothering me about tznius, my father saying anythint would have MORTIFIED me. And a rabbi???? Commenting on my teenage body and clothes?? NEVER. So so inappropriate. I always hated when rabbis in seminary would do this. So creepy.

amother

Ultramarine

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 7:40 pm

Gila manolson books are incredible. At least for you if not for her

amother

Poinsettia

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 7:51 pm

amother Birch wrote:

Just so you know, you aren’t speaking for everyone
The biggest changes I made in tznius were thanks to two rabbis.
You can call it creepy all you want, but that’s the whole point. When a girl understands that the way she dresses has the implication to create discomfort in others that will be the catalyst for a sincere change without her mom needing to get involved . It was really helpful for me
The second time I spoke to a rav before and after that incident about tznius shailos, it was over the phone and with someone I felt more comfortable with. He 100% helped me just with chizuk to keep certain stuff in tznius and I’ve never looked back bh to dressing lower standards
I’ve never ever been able to get that type of push from ANY book or rebbetzin
So, thanks for your input, but here’s mine.

wigboutique

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 7:55 pm

Second Gila Manolson, her books are really amazing

funkyfrummom

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 9:18 pm

Chiming in that pointing out and commenting on what other women are wearing is not nice. Especially in today's world--we need to be seeing goodness and kindness in other Yidden, not focusing on perceived faults.

OP, are daughter's clothes tight because of a growth/development spurt (she's outgrowing items but reaches for them when she wants the tighter look)? Or is she selecting them at a store, intentionally too tight? Not sure if finances allow, but maybe put aside a little bit of money and see if she would be amenable to doing a closet clean-out (sending too small clothes to a gemach or giving to a younger/smaller relative) and then getting to go on a bit of a shopping "spree" to restock with things that don't have that issue? I think there might be a way to frame it as a wardrobe makeover in light of she's growing up/becoming a woman (she could also weed out things that are too little girl-ish/immature). And since you mention she seems to like the attention, this might be a positive way to give her mom-daughter time and special attention...

essie14

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 11:37 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

You weren't a teenager !! You were an adult woman reaching out for yourself.
Having your mommy tattle tale on you to a Rabbi to have him speak to you about tznius when you're 13 is a HUGE RECIPE FOR DISASTER.
OP will lose her daughter forever.

Ima_Shelli

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 11:39 pm

Ignore and let her find her equilibrium and comfort zone with her clothes and attitude towards guys. Honestly. Tznius battles with girls are just… off putting and the stuff of lifelong resentment

notshanarishona

Thu, Dec 14 2023, 12:36 am

I like Chayala’s idea of buying nice tsnius clothes together, giving her feedback as she tries things on if something’s too tight.
Also, it’s probably too late to change any significant ways of how you live, but if you live somewhere that girls and boys are socializing together, even unofficially, it will continue to happen (that the girls will want to impress the boys). Only way to stop it is to make boundaries if it’s not too late.

Phoebe31

Thu, Dec 14 2023, 11:07 am

You see boys/men look at her and think it's because of the way she dresses? Boys look at her because she is developed, men who look at her, that's just ick, majorly.

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