To the person whose kid bothers my kid in school

amother

Amethyst

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:17 pm

smss wrote:

I realize you are speaking from a place of pain, and I've been there too (being the mother of the kid who other kids are being mean to). It's awful. 😫

And, I think it's wrong and hurtful to blame parents for their children's behavior. I know some wonderful parents who
are loving and firm and who absolutely model middos tovos who have very difficult children. It's just not in a parent's control how their kids turn out. We can't take the credit and we shouldn't take the blame. (We take credit or blame for how we parented. Not for how our kids behave.)

If you're a parenting coach, then yes, you should take the credit and the blame.

I'm not a parenting coach, even though I think I would be great at it Very Happy

, for exactly this reason.

What's the point of being a parenting expert if you can't control your own kid?

amother

Ecru

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

I am not nice, yes, I apologize to everyone who I triggered with me being so judgemental. It's a great excuse to bother my child, I am guilty that it happens, and it's absolutely okay. Love how you make conclusions about person's personality from post online) "you are not nice" It's precious.

You are guilty for blaming the mom.

How do you explain our avos having bad children? And great rabbis having bad children?

And why are you so convinced that all your children will turn out amazing just because they are that way now?

amother

Ecru

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:19 pm

amother Amethyst wrote:

If you're a parenting coach, then yes, you should take the credit and the blame.

I'm not a parenting coach, even though I think I would be great at it Very Happy

, for exactly this reason.

What's the point of being a parenting expert if you can't control your own kid?

What's the point of being a doctor and you cant heal your family?

Some things aren't in our control no matter how much we try.

amother

Junglegreen

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:19 pm

amother Amethyst wrote:

If you're a parenting coach, then yes, you should take the credit and the blame.

I'm not a parenting coach, even though I think I would be great at it Very Happy

, for exactly this reason.

What's the point of being a parenting expert if you can't control your own kid?

I wouldn’t want a parenting coach who thinks this way. That it’s about controlling the kids.
Are you a behaviorist?

giftedmom

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

Who’s making conclusions? You sound delusional

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:23 pm

amother Ecru wrote:

if someone came to me and blamed me, I would take the blame. I treat others same way as I treat myself. Didn't happen yet that I said "I m sorry,not my business". Let me practice this shita a bit and come back as nice person here.

smss

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:25 pm

amother Amethyst wrote:

If you're a parenting coach, then yes, you should take the credit and the blame.

I'm not a parenting coach, even though I think I would be great at it Very Happy

, for exactly this reason.

What's the point of being a parenting expert if you can't control your own kid?

Seems like you are assuming that if someone is REALLY REALLY good, like expert level good, at parenting, well then they should be in full control of their children's behavior.

I don't believe that to be true.

amother

Melon

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:28 pm

OP you sound like a young parent. When I was young I thought the same. Except when I was blessed to become the parent of a child who physically hurt kids every day. Was it my fault? Should I have come to school and hold him down every day at recess?
Do you not think I bribed him with charts, all sorts of therapy, and using every waking hour of my day to “attempt” to control his behavior?

If you can’t see this as the reality, it means you’ve never been in mine/the other moms shoes.

Count your blessings and hope you never understand.

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:29 pm

smss wrote:

I assumed their kids would be so emotionally healthy and happy so they will not need to bother other kids, yes.

BaltoMom65

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

This a letter to that parenting coach whose kid bothers my kid in school. Please, parent your child, not other parents, and make my life (and my kids life) easier, so I wont have to deal with the outcomes of your floppy parenting techniques.

Are people blind to themselves, or too involved in teaching career, so they don't see their kid is acting out, but preach stuff to other parents?

If your kid has bad midos and is acting out, something in the parenting theories didn't work. I would be embarrassed to raise someone nasty and with attitude like your kid has, but this person is a popular educator.

Hoping maybe she will read it here and hap, school tells me that mothers dont fully understand what is going on. Before taking a parenting course from someone, I think it's very kedai looking at the persons children. Just curious,if this mother -educator gonna make a new course on the teenagers and gonna tell other parents how it's normal and the stage, etc etc. And what I really would want her to do -is to be on top of her daughter who constantly bothers mine, and other kids in the class. For me this would be a proof of a good parenting method.

APPLAUSE 👏 YESSS

amother

Quince

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:32 pm

smss wrote:

If you claim to be an expert at something, like in this case parenting, I do expect you to have some good results at home. If you can’t deal with your own children then perhaps you should stop being an expert and go listen to other experts.

amother

Oldlace

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

I tried to be understanding towards you on this thread but you were straight up mocking and mean to me for no reason (or maybe from over defensiveness). When other posters have questioned things about your posts, you've responded with sarcasm and again mocking. You've responded inappropriately to people when they haven't even blamed you for things on this thread. Therefore, I have difficulty believing that you actually take the blame if someone blamed you for something.

I'm sure your children are lovely but even in the one example you gave, there's opportunity for growth. If you're actually real about this thread, and not trolling for reactions, there's a lot you can do to help your child improve her school experience. But instead you're overreacting to people trying to help you, casting judgement on random people for no reason, making antisocial statements about parenting. None of that is appropriate. Something's up here.

I hope your dd's situation improves.

amother

Quince

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:33 pm

amother Melon wrote:

I’m an “old” parent. I have easy and difficult kids. I agree with op. There goes your theories.

amother

Oldlace

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:36 pm

smss wrote:

It's very black-and-white rigid thinking. No healthy parent even wants to control their child. It seems like it's the actual goal for some parents on here. No wonder they despise parenting coaches who suggest you view children as actual independent people, not as products. Kind of disturbing.

amother

Azalea

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:39 pm

lamplighter wrote:

May you never know what its like to be parenting your ---- off and your child still not getting it. From the judgement dripping off your words I can tell that you have never been challenged in this way. Let me tell it is hell and people like you make it even worse.

Yes. Yes. Yes.
My oldest was a difficult kid. ADHD (not that that’s anyone’s business) with a challenging personality. In first or second grade he did something unacceptable to a classmate. We dealt with it properly and immediately but the mom was so judgy. Her kid was a perfect little angel who got along with everyone and wouldn’t dream of making trouble ever. Her other kids were also nice kids.

Fast forward about 10 years and one of her younger kids is an absolute terror. 100x worse than my kid (who bH turned out beautifully). I’m sure she’s not judging anymore.

giftedmom

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:39 pm

This is just a theory but I’m kind of picturing op as the kind of parent who thinks her kids are innocent victims in every scenario and takes any petty fight between kids extremely personal. We’ve all met such parents.

amother

Amethyst

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:40 pm

smss wrote:

I don't believe, I KNOW, that well brought up children are a product of their homes. When I see a child (older child, not a toddler) acting badly, then yes, I absolutely am judgmental of the parents.

I am not talking about a child who has hidden challenges, as the example that OP brought up is simply bad middos, there does not seem to be a diagnosis at all.

One thing I have seen, over and over again, (and I am not a young person) is that middos comes from the home. Short skirts, tznius, learning.... all of that is nah, I don't blame the parents at all. But bad middos? Being not nice? Absolutely.

amother

Green

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

I assumed their kids would be so emotionally healthy and happy so they will not need to bother other kids, yes.

There are many many factors that go into kid being happy and emotionally healthy.

Here are some:

The child has another parent who may not be parenting in the best way

The child has friends who influence them

The child has siblings who may be difficult for him and stress him out

The child may have teachers who aren't working well with him

The child may have academic struggles

The child may have a physical illness

The child may have just gone through a loss

So much more....

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 2:40 pm

amother Oldlace wrote:

this is why I wont call that mother. Instead of telling me that she is aware and will do her best, it will end up with stuff like this. This thread proves it. And then she will give a shiur (probably )that I am controlling and not nice, and good parents are only responsible for themselves,not their children.

I wish to prove wrong, but after this thread I won't call. Too scary to try and I will get same response. When the only thing that's enough is "I'm so sorry, I will try to be on top of what's going on with my child and do my best ".