Discomfort with Mitzvah Notes

Queen Of Hearts

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 11:59 am

amother Peachpuff wrote:

Hi, teacher in a Montessori school here.
We strongly build a child's intrinsic motivation while recognizing that it's a life long process. We have Mitzvah notes and use it as an opportunity to highlight how they're bringing Moshiach and encouraging them to be proud of themselves. Celebrating accomplishments is a big part of building intrinsic motivation.
The difference between what we do and what regular schools might do is we would say "Wow! moishy is bringing Moshiach! Moishy, I hope you're so proud of yourself" as opposed to "moishy is a Mitzva boy! I'm so proud of you!"
We make it about the child's feeling towards their accomplishment as opposed to how proud we are as the adults.

I don't see that being better than the regular system. Moshiach should come very soon but l'maseh they are not seeing concrete evidence of Moshiach coming cause of their mitzvos.
And why is a child thinking he's bringing Moshiach better than being proud that he's a Mitzvah boy?
And what is wrong with a child knowing his Mommy and Morah are proud of him?
These newfangled methods of chinuch Can't Believe It

amother

Peachpuff

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 12:05 pm

Queen Of Hearts wrote:

There's nothing wrong with Mommy and Morah being proud of him, but we are trying to build a foundation of the child making choices that reflect who he is inside for life so that when he's older and there's no Morah being proud of him, he can make choices that make him proud of himself.

Listen, you don't have to agree, I'm just sharing how we do things. I think we have a problem that young adults once leaving the system find themselves not making choices that align with their values because they have no adult to answer to or make proud so if by encouraging them to make themselves proud from a young age, I can help them have tools to navigate that future struggle, I think it's worth the small language shift.

notshanarishona

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 12:05 pm

amother Peachpuff wrote:

This sounds like chabbad hashkafa more than Montessori. Educationally it wouldn’t make sense to let a kid with no concept of time or abstract concepts think he can do something to bring mashiach sooner.

amother

Peachpuff

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 12:07 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

Yes, I'm Chabad and we do have a strong emphasis on Moshiach. A child has an innate Emunah and can strongly connect to the idea of bringing Moshiach

B'Syata D'Shmya

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 12:09 pm

NechaMom wrote:

I don’t get the issue. The teacher is rewarding the child and making them feel good. That’s the way it should be. I see no manipulation just positivity. You’re seeing a problem where there is none.

Perhaps, but in addition, the teacher is teaching the child that mitzvahs are something to be proud of, to strive to do more for, increases your self-worth and connects us with others. And perhaps how to be DLKZ.

OP, please write those notes, you can be Kichel-creative (My daughter did not wake her Abba up in the middle of the night, she was satisfied with one parent taking care of her while she couldnt sleep...)
You can find the big stuff or the small stuff (My son accepted his punishment after fighting with his younger brother). But those notes are super important.

amother

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 12:46 pm

amother Peachpuff wrote:

Cool, thanks for chiming in! Id love to hear more from you Smile

(would you do an AMA thread?)
You're right, it is a lifelong process, yes I like how you go about it (I agree with another poster specifically the moshiach aspect is chabad hashkafa, but the idea of having the child be proud of themselves as opposed to parent or teacher and getting stickers for it is what I'm referring to)

keym

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 1:05 pm

Are you uncomfortable with the Mitzvah Note aspect or the Sticker part?

Are you uncomfortable with girls getting davening and Chessed charts over vacation? With the prize given (or trip, or banquet) for those who participated?

Which part makes you uncomfortable.
Is it the parental involvement? Or that it happens at all?

amother

Arcticblue

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 1:31 pm

amother Stoneblue wrote:

Op I agree with you.

All I can say is “welcome to the next 15 years of your daughters life!”

Every single aspect of our school system functions this way, and it’s terrible. Stickers for Mitzvah notes are from the small things.

Read the book ‘punished by reward’ for more about this topic.

My conscientious teen daughtrr who went to such a. School definitely makes decisions about whether or not she wants to do something - is there a chart? A reward? If not why should I do it? I hope she’ll be able to figure out the internal reward but it’s upsetting that their entire elementary school experience was about the contest and the prize.
I never made a chart for my kids and I guess that didn’t help things either because she picked up the schools way of doing things.

amother

Snowflake

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 1:38 pm

Op, why don’t you write a mitzvah note with your child? This way they can feel proud of their actions in addition to being praised by others. My Morah used to collect the Mitvah notes and make a mitzvah tree bulletin board. The kids loved the mitzvah tree!
Don’t downplay the mitzvah notes, I would love it if someone would write some for me!
We can all use the chizuk!

I’ll write one for you:

You are a caring and thoughtful mommy!
From an imamother

listenhere

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 2:48 pm

I see it as a way of scheduling to intentionally focus on the positive. We sit down each Sunday and think about how amazing she is and what we can choose to write on her mitzvah note.

Though it could be used as an award, I don’t use it like that. We do it every week regardless of her behavior and choose something to write together.

I always try to focus on complimenting her, but I like having this in the schedule consistently.

#BestBubby

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 3:13 pm

amother Stoneblue wrote:

Disagree.

The book " punished by rewards " is trying to take away any influence parents have on their kids.

First they convince parents that all punishment is abuse.

Then they convince parents that praise and rewards is also abuse (manipulation).

But schools, colleges and the workplace DO use reward and punishment, because it DOES work.

If you are "woke" you are rewarded.

If you dissent from Woke you are punished, expelled, fired, etc.

And parents have zero influence due to them following parenting "experts".

amother

Purple

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 3:36 pm

As a teacher if I notice a kid hasnt gotten a mitzva note in a while I tell the mother and if theres still none we ask the kids did you get dressed nicely? She says yes and we write a nite for her
I give my kids starting from two . Right by playgroup I quickly write a mitzva note.