"Expenses increase as kids get bigger"

amother

Blushpink

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 2:11 am

Busybee5 wrote:

Yes but it's not the same , it's more here. Those that don't understand dollars to pounds possibly won't understand me. It's all about how much we earn ,and how much other things cost. Would you compare 1k shekolim to 1k dollars. Same idea here. It's not the same. 1k dollars is way less than 1k in pounds.

I was saying to her not to you that 1k a month is the same as she is saying per year in dollars. She kept saying it's cheaper. It's not.

amother

Cerulean

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 3:46 am

$60K to marry off a daughter, plus ongoing support. The “norm” for support is $1500 a month (we’re not paying that, it’s way too much for us, and many boys’ families said no to us when my dd was in shidduchim because we couldn’t commit to that much). But just realize that in one year you could pay 60k to marry off and 18k in support. All while paying your regular expenses (like $28k for another dd’s seminary the same year we made a wedding - she paid a third, we paid 2/3).

amother

Lemon

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 4:23 am

It depends on how you live. I dont do expensive outings with my kids. I dont buy them items just because everyone has it unless I can find a good deal. Because we don't have the money. I get hand me downs from neighborhood people. I buy clothes on sale. There is a gmach in my area for yom tov clothes. Tuition is the biggest expense. And day camp. Simchas can be done on a budget. I have seen it. But people don't want to. They now have takana halls in lakewood, Brooklyn and monsey. Food is now a huge expense though.

Busybee5

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 4:23 am

amother Cerulean wrote:

Yeah weddings are quite concerning tbh but I'm trying not to think about it yet.
My oldest is a 16 year old boy. We hope to buy a house as an investment soon, maybe when we remortgage, so maybe that'll help if we need to sell up for other kids weddings etc. I don't think it's a good idea to worry too much about it now. We do our best.

amother

Blushpink

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 5:16 am

amother Lemon wrote:

I don't spend on outings at all. But you can't buy boys second hand shabbos suits and pants have to be new because old pants all have holes in. I do simchos small at home (kiddush, bar mitzva, bris etc) for max 25 people. I don't know what we'll do for chasunos.

Food is a crazy expense, almost double what it was a year ago.

amother

Olive

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 5:20 am

amother Cerulean wrote:

$60k to marry off is with takana halls, just fyi. We did everything as cheaply as possible. Gemach gowns etc.

When was it 60k?
I was under the impression that it’s closer to 100k.

Also in Boro park you can’t really takanah hall unless you book 9-10 months in advance

amother

Stonewash

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 5:52 am

amother Cerulean wrote:

$60k to marry off is with takana halls, just fyi. We did everything as cheaply as possible. Gemach gowns etc.

what? no way! I made weddings in baltimore and lakewood.
for both weddings the package at the halls plus upgrades, totalled approx $18k divided between both sides. So about 12k for kallah parents, and 6k for chosons parents.
where on earth do you live that your wedddings are so expenseive?
Even if you add in things like gown rentals, how can it be 60k???

mfb

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 6:00 am

amother Stonewash wrote:

What about gifts for kallah, linen, kitchenware…. Shaitels and clothing, underwear coats…
Everything adds up

amother

Sunflower

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 6:05 am

amother Stonewash wrote:

They're adding in all the extras - vart, oifruf, jewelry, presents, chasan/kallah teacher, furniture, first months rent, etc.

It's still less than 60k if you do it on a budget, though. We just made a wedding and spent far less.

amother

Cerulean

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 6:06 am

Stonewash, you’re just talking about the actual wedding itself. The cost to marry off a daughter includes making a vort, all the obligatory presents - Shas, becher, talleisim, tallis bags, kittel, and watch, making Shabbos sheva brachos, buying furniture like beds, table, chairs, couch, all the housewares to set up a home so pots, pans, dishes, mixers, linen, towels, crockpot, etc. etc., sheitels, invitations, makeup, hair, kallah classes, shadchanus, flights, etc. And prices have gone up a lot just in the last year.

amother

Cerulean

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 6:10 am

I would like to know how to do it on less than $60k if you’re a regular yeshivish family (not fancy at all) and don’t qualify for hachnasas kallah. I BH have more kids to marry off and would love to save money. We did everything as budget conscious as possible. But always willing to learn how to do better.

amother

Sunflower

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 6:14 am

amother Cerulean wrote:

A lot of regular yeshivish families do qualify for hachnasas kallah.

But even without... using a takanah hall, the wedding itself is actually very little, and everything else is negotiable.

amother

Olive

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 8:52 am

amother Sunflower wrote:

Can you please post your budget so I can see where I’m going wrong???
Why does it seem like it will be closer to 100k for me?

amother

Valerian

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 9:07 am

amother Cerulean wrote:

I paid for setting up our apartment myself. I bought a couch, dinette set (table & 4 chairs) 2 book shelves, 2 beds, 1 dresser, 1 night table, 2 sets of linen, towels. I stocked up the kitchen with pots and pans and small appliances. Food shopping we did together after the wedding.
My friends also set up themselves, oot if it matters, which it probably does.

My parents paid for vort (in house, gemach table cloths, only expense was food/paper goods and dress which I wore to shabbos sheva brachos and then sold)
Wedding (split with other side) plus hair, makeup, gowns (which were then sold)
Chasson gifts- tallis and bags, shas, kittel (no expensive watch or gift for each yom tov)
Kallah classes, shadchanus
2 sheitels
Invitations and benchers (split cost)

Within the last few years

amother

Cerulean

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 10:21 am

It’s beautiful that you were able to pay for furniture and housewares yourself, but many kallahs aren’t able to do that (if they’re in college or haven’t been working long when they get engaged). Those costs are still part of marrying off, just your parents were lucky that you were able to cover them. You can’t leave them out of your cost estimate when telling people they don’t need to spend 60k to marry off!

It’s very not typical for a chosson to not get a watch and becher, you’re lucky your chosson was okay with it but when talking about marrying off a daughter most people aren’t going to be able to cut that expense.

What did your sheitels cost? Costs for sheitels have gone up a lot. Costs for EVERYTHING have gone up a lot. The $12k your parents spent on their share of the takana hall is a lot more now.

You also left out the cost of making Shabbos sheva brachos, which can be a lot unless you have a small family.

There’s also the cost of flights to bring in siblings that are in seminary or yeshiva in EY (not everyone has that expense, but many do - we did). Around $1000 each.

Just kallah classes and shadchanus is $2500 right there.

amother

Crimson

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 10:27 am

amother Cerulean wrote:

Most young couples I know did very similar to valerian. If the kallah didn't have savings for setting up the apartment/buying furniture, that's what wedding gift money was used for. A lot of household items such as kitchen stuff or towels come from shower/wedding gifts, too. A becher is pretty standard but many don't give a watch.
ETA: These are couples from families that both have similar simple standards. So no high expectations for gifts on either side, and therefore no disappointment.

amother

Valerian

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 10:56 am

amother Crimson wrote:

I happened to have money saved up from working but I used some of the wedding money to set up the apartment and keep my savings for a down payment one day.
We are both from simple oot families so that made a big difference too
Many of my friends got second hand furniture, I "splurged" because I got new.
I hear of couples who start off with full bedroom sets, full dining room sets, monogrammed linen....it's so beyond my expectations