So much mom guilt … was I good enough?

amother

Mon, Jan 01 2024, 9:07 pm

My kids are mostly grown and BH I have an amazing relationship with them. I always prioritized that no matter what I was going through. But oh how much I was going through! I suffered from depression, cptsd, you name it… some days I can barely function. And I worry so much that my home was dysfunctional when my children were growing up. They were never neglected physically or emotionally. But yes, sometimes dinner was sandwiches. Rarely have shabbos guests. House was clean because of cleaning help, but on the days she doesn’t come, no beds are made. Dishes stay in the sink til she comes, but they’re not overflowing. Overall I think people think of my house as neat and clean. I think my children are happy but who knows what’s going through their psyche? Will they be in therapy for years because of my dysfunction? I spend lots of time with them, and I know they feel very close to me. I’m a calm mother and never yell. But I was reading an article that asked people about their favorite Yom Tov memories, and I wondered do my kids have good memories? One YT I ordered takeout because I wasn’t functioning and I know they weren’t thrilled. Btw, if any of you know me, you’d be shocked to hear this from me. People think I have it all together. But I really don’t. And now as the years have passed I feel so much guilt. Anyone else get me?

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Jan 01 2024, 9:09 pm

I think your feelings are normal, but not helpful, and you shouldn't give that kind of thinking too much energy. Nothing you described is anything that would harm children in any way. Not having everything perfect all the time is good for kids. Focus on continuing to be supportive of your children and let Hashem take care of the rest.

amother

Mon, Jan 01 2024, 9:10 pm

amother Dodgerblue wrote:

I didn’t mention the days I stayed in bed til noon… or collapsed in my room as soon as I got home from work…

amother

Daphne

Mon, Jan 01 2024, 9:16 pm

If you ask your kids, or any kids for that matter, what their best memories are you'll find out that most often it isn't the food or the clean house. It's the parents and how they related toward their kids, if they were calm and happy, if they gave them enough attention and remembered their important milestones.
OP you sound like a great mom. Your guilt is that if a Yiddishe mameh but you sounds like you're doing just great.

amother

Coral

Mon, Jan 01 2024, 10:00 pm

Whatever you did in the past, you can still build a better relationship with your kids now. Building relationship with your adult children is very different than with your young children. Start again now, treating them like the adults they are.

amother

Mon, Jan 01 2024, 10:09 pm

amother Coral wrote:

It’s not my relationship with them I worry about. It’s the other dysfunction that was going on.

amother

Red

Mon, Jan 01 2024, 10:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

I didn’t mention the days I stayed in bed til noon… or collapsed in my room as soon as I got home from work…

I do this too and I don't think it's an issue. If you love your kids and provided mostly good memories, go easier on yourself, we are all human and no one can be expected to be on the top of their game their whole life. If anything they will have more realistic expectations of themselves and their spouses

amother

Ultramarine

Mon, Jan 01 2024, 11:00 pm

amother Dodgerblue wrote:

I echo this thought. My MIL was and still is very very geshikt. Role model wife and mother. It's not a good look for me, the wife, if I don't live up to the standards my husband grew up with and is used to.

My husband has never complained about the differences - me vs the way his mother was when he grew up, which is great, but on the flip side, I am never really complimented because he is so used to the role of a wife/mom role being extraordinary. So if I make good food, keep a clean house, work full time, always have a shaitel on, handle every step of child raising (homework, appointments, baths, carpools) - doesnt even stand out to him as anything special because this is what he is used to. I do all these things and more, but it's not recognized as anything special.

The point of my comment is to let you know that your daughter in laws are probably so grateful that their husbands grew up in a home where it was normal for beds to be unmade on days when you didnt have help, did not prepare huge shabbos meals with guests, and that there were dishes in the sink.

amother

Mintgreen

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 7:03 am

OP, no one is perfect, not even perfect people. Please do not beat yourself up for how you parented. When I idolized people for their "geshiktiness", my mother used to tell me that no one has it all together behind closed doors. I definitely think that each person has her strengths and weaknesses, but we're all human. For example, my mother worked from the time that I was 12 and our house was a bit messy in some rooms (although extremely clean). My parents were also very social and had family for all holidays and entertained their shul friends weekly. My mil's house was organized to the nth degree in all aspects (she's a poster woman for having it together), but she shied away from anything social beyond immediate family. My grandmother's lesson was that children needed to be fed, clean and neat, and to have a regular sleep schedule (to that I would add that they need to be loved). In her estimation, the rest was aspirational. They were all right to a degree and could have been better in other areas.