If youre the main breadwinner

amother

Firethorn

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:09 am

I was for a few years the only one earning an income. He was unemployed. He "doesn't play nice with others" and misses social nuances. He couldn't get another job and I don't know how hard he really tried. He has an education and a career path but didn't have an income! He got really depressed and it ruined our marriage because I ended up taking care of him plus was resentful doing a job I hated just to pay rent.
My husband has a job now but I still have to work full time. He makes mistakes and almost gets fired or gets a lecture...

And our marriage still stinks. I am so resentful of my baby of a spouse.

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 12:30 pm

amother Firethorn wrote:

Did your family ever catch on to things? My parents make comments about my husband and his lack of organization, how all the pressure si on me etc. It is so hard.
Do you have children?

amother

Tuberose

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 3:02 pm

amother Feverfew wrote:

I feel like I never got used to being a mother if that makes sense. I just come home and give her supper and put her to bed and that's basically all the time I spend with her during the week. Then Shabbos/Sunday I don't know how to entertain her for more than 15 minutes. I don't feel resentful I just feel bemused. Like is this how it's supposed to be?

I used to feel that way when my kids were small. Like they were possessions of which I was the caretaker, making sure they were fed, clothed, educated and given dental and medical care, but not really relating to them as people because I just didn't have the leisure to do so. I don't think I really related to them as people till they were quite a bit older. B"H they're adults now and we have a good relationship.

amother

Tuberose

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 3:02 pm

amother Tuberose wrote:

amother

Tue, Nov 28 2023, 2:02 pm

I have my checkings account from HS that I just kept when I got married and my work deposits my money there. my husband has his own business account. I feel like we lead separate lives I literally have no idea how much he makes, what goes in and what goes out. I had to apply for something that asked for our tax return and my husband only made 13k last year. its so stressful. I hope this year is a better year for us. I dont know how a normal marriage looks where couples know the finances of the other. my husband just bought himself a new gadget for $200. I was so upset. like hello pay off your debt first then buy whatever you want. then I felt guilty bc I just bought a few new clothing from the sales and spent $200 on myself... needed some new shabbos dresses and maternity sweaters.

amother

Sat, Jan 06 2024, 9:07 pm

still looking for chizuk. Went to my parents for shabbos. They have very wealthy friends whose kids are all doctors, dentists and lawyers. My father made a comment to my brother who is going for an education degree to consider becoming a PA and that he wants us to be happy and not stressed with finances. I said I am almost 30 and already have my degree. He said well you're the main breadwinner and it shouldnt be that way. Then my mother said "if you married someone wealthy or educated you wouldnt be so stressed all the time"
I know they are right and it hurts me that this is my reality but what do they want me to do.

amother

Sat, Jan 06 2024, 9:58 pm

amother SandyBrown wrote:

I know people will throw tomatoes at me for saying this… you’re welcome friends. I like tomatoes LOL

If you live in NY can you get vouchers?
Maybe your husband can apply for your kids and send them his proof of income without yours.

What are vouchers used for?

amother

Kiwi

Sat, Jan 06 2024, 10:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

Your parents are out of line here. True or not, it’s not their place to be saying you should have married someone else. It’s hurtful and really not helpful.

It really hurts to see and hear about how others are financial successes and living happy, fun, luxurious lives without the constant stress and pain of financial lack. Going away for Shabbos is so hard for this reason.

I try to focus on how life is short and before I know it, it’ll be over and I’ll be in the next world. So the next eighty years of my life will likely include financial hardship. Okay, whatever. What’s that against eternity?

ETA believing that your husband is your zivug who was announced in heaven as Ben ploni l’ploni is also very valuable. I spend so much time regretting marrying my husband. I need to
have faith that this was the life trajectory my neshama needed to and was guided to take.

amother

Sat, Jan 06 2024, 10:35 pm

amother Kiwi wrote:

I know they are out of line, they think they are being helpful by saying that. Or maybe they just don't think they are saying anything wrong. But it is so hurtful. My friend lives in the same town as my parents and bought a house. And my father made a comment that hes so impressed such "young kids bought a million dollar home and shes in school full time" etc

Regarding the bolded, I never thought of it like that. I just struggle in the here and now and its tough. When we are really struggling I do wonder what would life be like if I married someone rich or lucky with money.

amother

SandyBrown

Sat, Jan 06 2024, 11:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

I get WIC which covers $24 for fruits and veggies. I dont qualify for food stamps

It’s tuition vouchers. Can cover most of or all babysitting and up to maybe 4th grade if school is okay with doing the paperwork.
I believe the income allowance is higher than wic’s. There are different vouchers. Some lower some higher.

I’m sorry, I don’t know more, but it might be worth looking into.

amother

Sat, Jan 06 2024, 11:42 pm

amother SandyBrown wrote:

The playgroups dont accept vouchers by me
Thank you though

amother

Petunia

Sat, Jan 06 2024, 11:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm sure your husband feels the lack of respect coming from your parents and influencing your mindset. Btdt...you need to let go of these feelings and things will start falling into place

amother

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 12:00 am

amother Petunia wrote:

I'm sure your husband feels the lack of respect coming from your parents and influencing your mindset. Btdt...you need to let go of these feelings and things will start falling into place

for sure he feels it. how do you let go of these feelings though? I am resentful that I am the main breadwinner and so much falls on my shoulders. The other day DC was sick and my husband gave me so much attitude about staying home with DC. I explained in a nice way I cant miss work we rely on my paycheck... his job is more flexible and I cant just miss a day of work its a lot of money

amother

Petunia

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 12:25 am

amother OP wrote:

Try to focus on his strong points... He's acting how you view him. Its going to take years of work.. Do his parents respect him? By me my parents and in laws viewed my dh as a baby. I worked really hard to focus on his strong points (still a work in progress). Recently my mil said wow I never knew how capable your dh is is, I'm like thank you! I spent 13 years to undoing your 22 years of damage !!!! (didn't say it obviously )

amother

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 12:36 am

amother Petunia wrote:

My in laws are poor themselves and are kind of interesting. We dont really have much to do with them. They dont know about our finances but they know I am the main breadwinner. They dont seem to care much how we make do on the day to day, they think we should be like their other kids and borrow money from gemachim to buy an apartment. They live far and we hardly see them