Wondering about accidental hurting little kids

amother

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 8:25 am

Don't know if this is a stupid question but reading the hitting threads a while back got me thinking. I heard babies and toddlers think everything is on purpose because they can't understand the concept of by accident. So when I accidentally hurt my baby she thinks I did it on purpose? Every so often I accidentally bump/scratch/poke her nothing big but sometimes she even cries. So I'm wondering if it's traumatizing for her because on those threads people said hurting them even a little is traumatizing. Of course I say sorry and hug and kiss her, but is it the same from her perspective as if I hurt her on purpose and then said sorry?

amother

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 8:30 am

Thank you, I knew it was probably stupid, maybe I should rephrase without the word trauma? Is it the same as if I hurt her on purpose from her view, so is it that upsetting to her? Or is it different for some reason cuz she can see I wasn't punishing her? Cuz imagine if someone out of the blue on purpose hurts her baby with no emotion we'd say it's messed up and damaging so how does the baby know the difference??

amother

Pearl

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 9:06 am

amother OP wrote:

They can see body language and see how you treat them in general. Babies recoil from violence and will stay away from those who beat them. They don’t generally react to being poked or bumped other than crying on the spot. This is overthinking too much.

chanatron1000

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 9:11 am

It's not completely true that they don't understand the concept of an accident. They don't literally understand the concept, but they can still tell the difference.

amother

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 9:29 am

Thanks for the replies. I do overthink sometimes so thanks for the reassurance. Does it make a difference if I'm annoyed when it happens? Like sometimes I have to struggle with her changing her diaper and I could twist her legs or force her down to roughly because she fights so hard to get away. She sees I'm getting mad and she feels I'm hurting her (not so hard but still). I try to be gentle and give her toys and talk or sing to her but it's hard so many times a day so sometimes I just end up fighting her, is this a bigger deal or more overthinking?

amother

Pearl

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 9:31 am

amother OP wrote:

More overthinking. Most kids are wrangled and held down for diaper changes. They all turn out fine.

kugelEater

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 9:35 am

Of course there's a difference if you accidentally poke your baby than if someone were to come at their child with an angry face, loud voice, and tense body language, and then slap them!! As someone mentioned upthread, babies can sense body language, so even if they don't understand the word "accident", they can "feel" your apology- you hug and kiss them, and you weren't angry before... Have you ever seen a baby watch someone else get mad? They totally know body language, from a very young age.

imasinger

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 9:36 am

I'll try a few guidelines:

If she cries because she is hurt by accident, but you hold her, kiss her, make it better, and after a short time, it's history, you're fine

If you hurt her by accident then ignore her tears or yell at her for them, at least for a while, then you should seek help.

If you think you might be in the second category, but aren't sure, then talking to a good therapist would probably be a good idea. You'll either get some reassurance and confidence, or learn some better coping skills for when you're annoyed, or both. Either way, DD wins, because you're addressing the concern.

amother

Aqua

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 5:39 pm

I think this is really the idea of rupture and repair. Your child knows you hurt them. If you then repair, by apologizing or smiling or giving them a kiss, they learn that people make mistakes and relationships can be fixed. That a hurtful word or action isn't the end of a relationship. People can apologize, repair the relationship, and continue.

I wonder if the concept of repair was ever modeled for you.

Yes, deep lessons from a diaper change.

caza

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 5:46 pm

When we accidentally hurt our kids, we speak in a gentle tone, apologising, asking if they are ok... Our voice and body language help our child know that they are safe. There is no trauma as they feel safe.