Will walking around in a snood effect my kids shidduchim?

amother

Cherry

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 4:44 am

Dolly Welsh no wrote:

Happy medium: a synthetic wig.

Lightweight, not complicated to wear. Washes in the sink.

You might keep a few around to see if they come in handy.

Use a wig cap under it, when outside the house. That is more comfortable.

You just throw it on. It's so cheap you aren't worried about it. They keep their curl and style, no setting. No worry about rain.

But if you have long hair you would pin it up first.

Can people tell? Some might, maybe. But it is still a wig.

It could be your just-go-shopping wig, and use a more expensive wig for more serious occasions.

Do you think they are more comfortable than a regular wig?

Can you link the company you buy? Yours should so comfortable.

amother

Mauve

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 5:00 am

amother Cinnamon wrote:

No one will say they won’t do a shoduch with a lady in a snood but as someone told me, dress how you want your daughters mother in law to look and how you want your daughter to look… nice and put together. We spend so much on our big girls clothes, high school and post seminary… and then if we walk around like a Shmata, what message are we giving our girls? That once married you can look like a shmata?!

Why is spending so much on their clothes a good message? Maybe sending a message that simplicity is admirable, and we don't walk out the door to put ourselves on display is a better message.

Nice and put together doesn't have to mean spending a lot of money on clothes and a sheitel.

When we call other women shmatas for not being fancy enough when running errands, it's a very strong message, and not a positive one.

amother

Tulip

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 5:20 am

amother Peony wrote:

Dressing Baltimore in Baltimore or Israel in Israel is just fine. Most people looking into Baltimore Shidduchim are good with Baltimore and maybe even prefer it. It’s dressing Baltimore in Lakewood that can be an issue for some.

A lot of people in Lakewood wouldn't do an out of town shidduch to begin with so there is that...

I was just thinking of someone I know who doesn't even own a shaitel and buys her clothing at thrift stores... who lives in Lakewood. I was just commenting to her how she did such beautiful shidduchim and her in law children are all such gems... Hashem runs the world.

amother

Candycane

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 5:24 am

amother Peony wrote:

I dress Baltimore in Lakewood also. So does everyone I know. Because we (collective we) don’t do this shtus.

There is absolutely a time and a place for everything. Snoods at the grocery store. Later today, I will be taking my kids to Orthodontist, a frum office, and I know all the other moms will be wearing a beret or snood or tichel or whatever. Just like me. Shul or a simcha or work - sheitels and real clothing and makeup. A fully madeup face, shabbos clothing, etc. is socially off in the wrong setting, Lakewood or not unless you were coming over from somewhere that you needed to be dressed that way.

amother

Peony

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 5:39 am

amother Candycane wrote:

It may be a shtus but that wasn’t OPs question. The answer to her question is it will affect Shidduchim to a degree.

ChossidMom

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 5:41 am

amother OP wrote:

We are moving to Lakewood from OOT. Where we come from it's perfectly acceptable to walk around in a snood, go shopping in one and etc....

I heard in Lakewood its not like that and people wear it anytime they go anywhere. I hate wearing a sheital and just wear one to work and to appointments sometimes. Otherwise I go everywhere in a snood.

Is it true that in Lakewood it's a "must"? And by "must" I mean will people look differently at our family by shidduchim because of it? Will my kids be made fun of? Or this an exaggeration?

Does this depend at all on the neighborhood we live in?

(Im asking this question sincerely)

LOL didn't read this thread but as a mother of multiple children in shidduchim - EVERYTHING affects their shidduchim. Of course, maybe it will "filter out" the unwanteds etc. But I will say this - it's all in the packaging. Doesn't matter how fantastic your kid is, if the name doesn't get passed the "gatekeepers" on the other side, it won't matter. So, maybe you think you are filtering out but it makes things harder when you don't adhere to YOUR COMMUNITY's rules.

Signed, a Charedi, Chassidishe wife who DRIVES and has children who aren't big believers in sticking to the "rules".

It's easy to say "Hashem is in charge" etc. etc. but we need to remember to do our hishtadlus - whatever that may be. And I am not telling you to wear a sheitel. I am just saying that the packaging matters.

amother

Candycane

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 5:43 am

amother Candycane wrote:

And quoting myself here to add this -

Would I nix a shidduch because the mother is dressed to the nines to deliver a baby? Even though that’s not the way I roll, I would never say no for that reason. Shidduchim about the potential couple more than it is about what the couples mothers wear, and what their fathers wear and where their siblings went to school, etc.

Chayalle

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 5:43 am

amother Peony wrote:

To quote Harvard President Gray “It depends on the context”. Smile

Two children recently started Shidduchim, boy and a girl. I find that it depends. If you are looking for very poshut Kensington etc. type Shidduchim I don’t think a snood will hurt. But if your DC is put together and wants to marry into a family that is put together, and/ or parents that have a middle class standard of living and professional type jobs, then walking around in a snood all the time will greatly shrunk your pool of potential Shidduchim.

Families usually look for similar type and if you are known by friends and neighbors as someone who walks around exclusively in a snood and very simply and comfortable families that consider themselves more put together will look elsewhere.

I would love to walk around in a snood, make a kiddush with sponge cake and coke in my house, dress my Shidduchim age girls in Walmart cheap out of style coats and Payless type shoes etc. and tell the world to go jump in the lake. But there are realities.

As it is I wear a sheitel and am fairly conforming but we live simply. We don’t fly out for winter vacation that because we can’t afford to but because we have no need to. We drive sn older model car because it still drives just fine. And we do hear back from some mothers that we aren’t a fit because they are looking for “balebatish” lifestyle. Kol hakavod, and hatzlacha. You are not for us. But there is a baseline.

As you get older and More mature you see the world beyond yourself and the way it OUGHT to be. You have kids, they have friends, a social circle, neighbors, and yes, Shidduchim to think about. It’s not living your life for everyone else. It’s conforming to a degree and expressing your individuality in other ways. If you want to insist on dressing below the usual standards you are far better off moving to Baltimore or Teaneck or other locations where you will fit in rather than trying to be Abraham Ha’ivri in Lakewood.

Oh good heavens.
this post reminds me of when my growing-up-not-in-Lakewood-neighbor - a really nice boy from a put-together but simple, plain Jane family - married his wife from the heart of Brooklyn, shpitzy family. Someone told his mother that she was surprised at the shidduch, because she couldn't ever see his mother and her mother doing a shidduch together. She replied with the perfect assurance that she was NOT marrying her DIL's mother. But her son was very happy with the girl.

I looked for a shidduch for my daughter. Not for me. Had I looked for someone for myself, we would still be looking....and families at some point come to the realization that they want someone for their son, and it really doesn't matter that much if her family is a simple yeshivish family from Lakewood, and they are the Balabatish Brooklyn type, when the girl sounds right for him.

As you get older you realize there are things that are important in life, and things that aren't, and that shidduchim come from Hashem. I can tell you 100000% that Hashem didn't need me to conform, and to suppress one drop of my individuality, in order to effect my daughter's shidduch (hope I got the right word there). And (gasp) all of this happened without my family having to move to Baltimore or Teaneck. We are perfectly fine in Lakewood (and there are plenty of people here like us, BTW).

amother

DarkGreen

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 5:48 am

Chayalle wrote:

Are you really out of the Lakewood box? Can’t imagine it.

amother

Cinnamon

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 5:53 am

Chayalle wrote:

Oh good heavens.
this post reminds me of when my growing-up-not-in-Lakewood-neighbor - a really nice boy from a put-together but simple, plain Jane family - married his wife from the heart of Brooklyn, shpitzy family. Someone told his mother that she was surprised at the shidduch, because she couldn't ever see his mother and her mother doing a shidduch together. She replied with the perfect assurance that she was NOT marrying her DIL's mother. But her son was very happy with the girl.

I looked for a shidduch for my daughter. Not for me. Had I looked for someone for myself, we would still be looking....and families at some point come to the realization that they want someone for their son, and it really doesn't matter that much if her family is a simple yeshivish family from Lakewood, and they are the Balabatish[/[b]b] Brooklyn type, when the girl sounds right for him.

As you get older you realize there are things that are important in life, and things that aren't, and that shidduchim come from Hashem. I can tell you 100000% that Hashem didn't need me to conform, and to suppress one drop of my individuality, in order to effect my daughter's shidduch (hope I got the right word there). And (gasp) all of this happened without my family having to move to Baltimore or Teaneck. We are perfectly fine in Lakewood (and there are plenty of people here like us, BTW).

I think the bolder May now be in reverse?🤔[

amother

Outerspace

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 5:54 am

amother Candycane wrote:

I like to think that if I was in the shidduch world, I wouldn't nix a shidduch like that either.

But I will say that being a plain-jane DIL with a very appearance-focused MIL is challenging. I wouldn't change anything because my DH is amazing and my MIL is also amazing in other ways. But such a DIL with such a MIL will need to be prepared to grow a thick skin and let a lot of little questions and comments roll off her back.

Chayalle

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 5:57 am

amother Outerspace wrote:

One thing I very much looked into in shidduchim for my DD (and now for my next) is if there will be pressure. I'm fine with my girls marrying into a very put-together type of family (my girls are more put-together themselves....) as long as there is also warmth, acceptance, and no judgement.....I have said no to shidduchim where I felt this was lacking. I don't want my daughter's MIL showing up to check on her sheitel when she is in labor! (kidding, but you get my drift....)

amother

Outerspace

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 6:05 am

Chayalle wrote:

That makes sense. In my case, there is warmth, acceptance, AND judgment. My MIL genuinely cares for me, and one of her ways of expressing that caring is to try to improve my appearance. It bothered me more early on, but I have learned to not take it personally over the years.

amother

Candycane

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 6:07 am

amother Outerspace wrote:

I get it. My MIL - not frum and never was - she hates how I dress and tells me often. Her mother, also never frum, List of the sort, who never ever left the house without a completely full face of make up ever no matter what. So when my mother-in-law goes in for an early morning operation, she has a full face of make up. You literally need to chisel it off and I’m not kidding. If it’s chanukah, she wears all blue amd has dreidel earrings, a menorah pin, you get it. Fall, she has all fall colors, fall sweaters…. She wears the matching earrings necklace ring bracelet set in every color in every style. And, of course, you know, she douses herself with perfume such a degree that the grandkids don’t like to hug her.

We love her. She is fantastic. The clothing is just a part of her.

giselle

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 6:10 am

I’m not too many years away from shidduchim (yikes!) and I can’t imagine saying no to a family because the mother wears a snood even though I almost never leave the house without a wig. It’s like asking if someone uses a plastic tablecloth. I don’t, I hate them, but is that really what’s important in a marriage? What I will say is that sometimes not wearing a wig does come along with a certain type that might be totally wrong for our family for other reasons. For example I’m thinking of one mother in my daughter’s class who comes to parent teacher conferences wearing one of those Israeli head wraps. She also happens to be very odd and her daughter is a bit socially off. On the other hand, a different mother also never wears a wig (I think she also wears those scarves but in a more typical style), but she’s normal and her daughter seems like a great girl, and I’d likely have no problem with my son ending up with a girl like that.

To the poster who said that frum people can’t do casual chic, I feel like we do it best! Baseball cap over a fall, sweatshirt with a short pleated skirt.. but it sounds like you probably wouldn’t let your kids marry into that type of family either.

I can’t relate in any way to the concept of not doing things because of my kids’ future shidduchim. Put your efforts into raising good kids that people will want to marry.