Human experiences ami this week

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 12:39 am

amother Peachpuff wrote:

I think it's important to remember that a very well-intentioned person can destroy someone while trying to protect them. We've discussed this a lot on this site- you don't have to be trying to hurt someone to cause horrific damage.

And the person who has been getting hurt often has to make decision based on the damage, regardless of the intentions. Many people even say that damage with good intentis harder for them. The intentions matter for the person committing the acts in terms of how to get treatment and change; the intentions may help the victims, but it's not a chisaron for them if they don't.

I disagree. Thhe intention definitely makes a difference in a relationship

tigerwife

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 12:40 am

ap wrote:

I don't agree that he did it to protect his pride,
maybe after a while he didnt know how to extricate himself
But if started with the intention to,protect her

But how does it protect her to withhold this information? She could have gotten a job or been more mindful of budgeting.

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 12:41 am

tigerwife wrote:

But how does it protect her to withhold this information? She could have gotten a job or been more mindful of budgeting.

He was stressed out and didn't want her to be stressed too.

Lucky Princess

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 12:46 am

Queen Of Hearts wrote:

A man shouldn't be 'protecting' his wife by hiding the fact that he no longer has a job.
His alcohol addiction if overcome she can forgive. But even if she chose to forgive him for hiding a huge part of his life for 2 years, how can she ever trust him again?
It would mean staying in a marriage where she would never feel secure knowing that her husband is open and honest with her.
That's a terrible place to be in.

That's what I thought Sad

amother

Beige

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 12:50 am

Sorry but that’s a convenient excuse and juvenile

Like saying Chas v shalom someone had an affair and didn’t tell to protect the wife…

And dangerous and embarrassing like there are no secrets except from the wife…

Put yourself in that situation and think then how would you feel if your spouse did this to you

Charny k

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 1:34 am

Reading this story made me very sad. I feel that the husband should of gotten another chance. But we only know one side of the story!

cnc

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 1:42 am

Full disclaimer- I DID not read the story, and probably shouldn't comment on it until I do.
But generally, if the man hid it for two years and then the wife found out on her own, he is probably not in healthy recovery and it would be interesting to read the story from the wife's POV.

Queen Of Hearts

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 1:54 am

cnc wrote:

He didn't hide his addiction for 2 years. He hid the fact that he lost his job for 2 years.

cnc

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 1:55 am

Queen Of Hearts wrote:

He didn't hide his addiction for 2 years. He hid the fact that he lost his job for 2 years.

Thank you for clarifying!

amother

Dahlia

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 8:26 am

I do not ever view these stories as literal and completely fact based. They are either amalgams of a few experiences or based on something that is true. That being said, I know of men who did lose their jobs and hid it from their wives and families or hid other destructive behaviors that eventually led to a complete breakdown of the marriage. I think the wife was completely justified in her actions given that he was 1) dishonest about what happened to him for an extensive period of time 2) failed to find some form of employment and instead spent down their savings 3) alcohol addicted and behaving improperly. Why anyone would want to remain married after that is completely beyond me.

amother

Lime

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 9:16 am

amother Lime wrote:

As someone who has been to drug rehab and is now doing well I feel so sad for both the man and his ex-wife.

He didn't get a second chance.

I am the OP of 'I've been to drug rehab AMA', and this was my first thought, that he didn't get a second chance.

But after reading the story again, seems that his wife knew something was very wrong over the 2 years. Likely she told him many many times to get help but he was mired in lies and addiction.
As long as his wife didn't know he was out of a job there was no chance of him getting himself the help he needed.

amother

Gold

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 9:27 am

Jewishmom8 wrote:

I think she did the right thing.
How could she ever trust him again

So 20 years of marriage don't count because he made a mistake? Maybe I see it differently because I'm in a similar type of job, and it would be my worst nightmare to be let go for that kind of reason... also I still think she should have realized something over the two years. She was so wrapped up in her life that she didn't realize something was very off with her husband?

amother

Forsythia

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 9:47 am

amother Gold wrote:

She did realize and kept on asking him but he repeatedly brushed her off.

If after 20 years of marriage he couldn't get himself to trust his wife and be open with her, what does that say about him? Was he only good with their relationship when times were good,and then destroys their entire foundation when things got bad? That speaks more about him than the wife.

amother

Lime

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 10:38 am

Queen Of Hearts wrote:

You people don't get it. He didn't hide the truth for 2 weeks or even 2 months. He hid the truth for 2 years!!!
He had his wife believe that he was heading to work every day for 2 years.
And she gave him so many opportunities to come clean. She didn't sound unsupportive at all.
When the truth came out that's when she became unsupportive.

ETA The sad part is that he sounds like such a nice guy.

It's not a contradiction.
Plenty addicts are 'nice guys'. But they are still addicts.

amother

Butterscotch

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 10:59 am

ap wrote:

What why?
Wasn't he trying to protect her?
I felt so bad for him,, he suffered so much
So tragic

Umm no. He was trying to protect himself and his ego.
I was in a similar situation before. my husband business went downhill and he didn’t want to tell me. He took out huge loans, some in my name (separate story) wiped out our savings and kept lying about it whenever I suspected anything.
He also claimed it was to protect me, but in reality he was protecting himself. His image and his ego.

amother

Canary

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 11:30 am

amother Butterscotch wrote:

Ouch I’m so sorry. How did you get over this?

tigerwife

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 12:45 pm

amother Gold wrote:

He deluded himself into believing his wife didn’t realize. This doesn’t mean she had no clue. As the story begins when he lost his job, we also have no idea if this was the first “mistake” in twenty years.

amother

Currant

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 6:20 pm

amother Beige wrote:

I know someone who did such a thing and it is indicative of a very unhealthy person to say the least
Someone living a lie a lying to his wife for two years!!!

Or it could be indicative of an unsupportive wife. I thought she would tell him to move out and go to AA. And then start couples therapy together to try and salvage their marriage.
But she just threw it all away. I dunno...she doesn't sound like someone who cares about her husband.