Article in binah about step-MIL

amother

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 11:54 am

amother Dodgerblue wrote:

from what she writes, she wasn't expecting besties and she understands their busy lives...
all she asked is same courtesy you would extend to a neighbor... And not showing up 2x when she worked hard to prepare ?? What is up with that? She's nuts if she agrees to host again. Let the lovely Dil invite their to Dad to them if they have any interest in seeing him

Maybe not besties but she’s expecting quite a bit for the position she’s in. Phone calls, texts, visits… meals and visits when she has surgery. Being taken care of to an extent.
If she agrees to host again she should do it because her husband asked her to, not because of any expected relationship.
The neighbor comparison makes no sense. Some of us have zero relationship with our neighbors. It’s a practical relationship borne of proximity. We don’t call or visit out of obligation. Totally different.

Chayalle

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 11:56 am

amother Dodgerblue wrote:

I read it that she was totally expecting close relationships. Goes out of their way and feels bad that they aren't "biting".
I agree they should show up if she prepared, IF they agreed to come in the first place. If indeed last minute they all cancelled, that's horrible. But if all along they tried to express not interested and she just didn't get it, it's different.
I don't think she should host a Shabbaton for people who aren't interested in coming.

Chayalle

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 12:01 pm

I also want to say...I have been in the position of relatives who invite me for a Shabbos or a YT, where for whatever reason DH and I (either both of us or one of us) don't want to go. We will say no, but I've had relatives who really make it hard!

You can't come for this Shabbos? How about next Shabbos? How about supper during the week? I heard you went to so-and-so, why not to us? They will keep track of your actions and then bring you to task when it's none of their business....etc....

So we don't know the backstory behind that melave malka.

Chayalle

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 12:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

This.

amother

Acacia

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 12:06 pm

It felt like the author came in not really understood the effect of the complicated marriage and divorce on her DILs.
She was understanding to the daughter.
My perspective is a dil who's busy dealing with fallout from her husband, complicated mil, complicated fil. Now add another needy person to the mix
Sure the son's were simple. It seemed like all they were expected to do was an occasional hello.

amother

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 12:09 pm

I also think the posters who say they should’ve just extended themselves and big deal are probably more extroverted types and don’t understand that to some of us it is indeed a big deal to start a whole new relationship with a stranger purely out of obligation

Chayalle

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 12:09 pm

amother Acacia wrote:

Exactly. No expectations on the sons. The whole article is a rant on the DIL's, none of whom were asked if they want another MIL on top of whatever they were already dealing with in their lives.

amother

Lightyellow

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 1:33 pm

Chayalle wrote:

This is what I was thinking too. How much do you blame someone if they originally said no but then are pushed to come, it will be so nice, doesn't have to be for so long...
And yes, the boys may be polite with her but the wives get the reality reactions. They may be the ones asking their wives to say no.

As for doing for her at least what you would do for a stranger, it can often be much harder in situations like this. You show up or send a text, and this is taken as a real overture, a signal that yes, you are interested and caring. And suddenly you are inundated with their overtures because they think that your sending a good Shabbos text once a wekk means you want everything.

Different magazine, I know, but I would really like the other half of a Double Take here.

amother

Aubergine

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 2:10 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Exactly. No expectations on the sons. The whole article is a rant on the DIL's, none of whom were asked if they want another MIL on top of whatever they were already dealing with in their lives.

She didn’t have no expectations of the sons, she said they were polite and friendly so I guess they met her expectations. She also wasn’t upset at the daughter who was honest and communicated her feelings.

It’s also interesting that it was so hard for the dils. In our family (also a traumatic divorce and then remarried parents) it’s actually so much easier for us step dils to be nice as we have none of the complicated emotional baggage that our DHs do (although dh tries his best to be nice as well, it’s definitely easier for me and the other in law children).

Chayalle

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 2:16 pm

amother Aubergine wrote:

I think it all boils down to expectations.

The daughter communicated because she knew there might be expectations. I would imagine the DIL's likely didn't think there would be any. They don't expect to have to have a close relationship with her. Likely they expect it to be no more than the expectations on their husbands.

Chayalle

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 2:17 pm

amother Aubergine wrote:

I can’t remember the source but was always told the same.
Signed, a dil to a step mil and mil, who can’t imagine treating my step mil the way the dils in the article did.

I can't imagine it either, but I have seen alot in my life...enough to know there's probably another side of the story.