Over-controlling? | Imamother

Simple1

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 9:40 am

The controlling who your kids aren’t friends with- some said it’s okay. I think in many cases it’s not okay. I know mothers who didn’t let their kids be friends with someone who wasn’t from a classy enough family, not smart or not popular etc. Sometimes it’s denial about what kind of a friend is best for their child.

Even if you think the friend isn’t frum enough, the friendship might have been ok. And I’ve seen a case
where blocking a friendship backfired badly. So parents should proceed cautiously in this area.

OP I admire that you are evaluating your parenting and it’s effects. None of us are perfect. Hatzlacha.

amother

Wandflower

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 10:01 am

Chayalle wrote:

When a child gets what he really wants, he doesn't misbehave. And that's how you develop a warm connection with him. And all of this is because you love him.

Why do you need to control so badly? This is something you need to ask yourself. What are areas where you can let go? The biggest parenting advice I got was, choose your battles. I let my kids get away with most things, because then, the important things I don't let them get away with are ones they respect. Because they know that those are the really important things.... the values I want to pass down. Other things are not so important.

I think it would be such a load off your chest if you would let go of the responsibility and let your child just be. It's normal for a child to sometimes take things without permission - use this as an opportunity to get to know him and what he needs, so next time he'll have permission. Be realistic. My parenting mentor used to say that we create our own battles, and many of them are not important. When we let go, our relationship with our child flourishes. And yes, half these things your child will outgrow anyway. Just model good behavior and let go, you don't need to make sure your kid follows. They will, if you just focus on the relationship.

This may be true for typically developing children but I get the sense that OPs children are not.
OP when your kids are neurodiverse they need a different type of parenting.

amother

DarkRed

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 10:38 am

A child should only be coaxed to eat or to drink when they are sick. Otherwise you should keep out of it completely, other than simply reminding them of circumstances where they might want to eat/drink now because they won't have another chance for a while.

A healthy child will drink when he/she is thirsty. Even if there is only water and he/she "doesn't like" water. There is no need to ever force/coax a healthy child to drink.

The consequence of coaxing/forcing a healthy child to drink is that he/she will learn that he/she can control YOU by not drinking. Instead of drinking when he is thirsty, he will not drink to force you to spend a lot of time coaxing him to drink.

amother

Anemone

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 10:38 am

OP, what do you hope to gain with your controlling behavior? Are you seeing the results you are hoping for??

"If you'll do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten". (Don't know the source)

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." (Albert Einstein).

Your controlling behavior does not seem to be working! As per your OP, your methods are failing!

btw how do you stop a kid from always being silly? any good books or stories out there? (personal anecdotes welcome!)

and how do you stop a kid from calling you names and physically harming you? (throwing projectiles etc) how do you not escalate and stay calm?

As a side point. My mother was controlling and half the family is no longer frum. We all speak to my mother but it's a robotic relationship and we're not close.

Is it worth it to risk everything just out of principle? Think about that a little bit.