Is there recovery after losing it?

amother

Thu, Feb 01 2024, 4:23 pm

My children are severely challenging. Sometimes it feels like they were sent to torture me.

Sometimes I lose composure. I end up in power struggles with them and even though it all makes sense in the moment, when it's over I feel so terrible. I don't want to be the 'crazy mother', but sometimes it feels like I am.

How do others cope with such challenges?

amother

DarkMagenta

Thu, Feb 01 2024, 4:26 pm

I was a challenging child (gifted, but also had behavioral issues and severe anxiety that required hospitalization). I fought against my parents a lot. My mother in particular would sometimes lose it, even occasionally becoming violent.

I'm not at all saying that's what you are like...but...the thing that made things hard for me and my mother was that she never apologized or took responsibility for her own bad behavior. Now that I am a mother I sympathize with how hard it must have been for her raising me. But what I can't forgive is that, even when the issue was minor, she was never able to say "I'm sorry, I overreacted" or "I shouldn't have yelled at you like that."

You are human. You can't always help getting into power struggles with your kid or reacting strongly if they really do push you too far. But you can help how you talk about it afterward. You can model for your child that when they do something they regret, they can say "I'm sorry" or "I shouldn't have x" even if the other person was worse and does not apologize in return.

The fact you're even asking this at all says a lot of good things about you.

amother

Chambray

Thu, Feb 01 2024, 4:51 pm

Totally agree. Also, the content of what you say when you lose it is important. My mother would say things like "I don't love you", and my father would say things like "you're crazy", "you're a mechutzaf", and, to my mother, "the kids take after your bad middos". I lose it too, and wish I wouldn't, but when I do, I say things like "Stop it!!"

amother

Cinnamon

Thu, Feb 01 2024, 6:05 pm

The first 2 posters gave good advice.

I'll add what helps me. I have a kid with adhd and odd.
Another with possible adhd and anxiety. (Need to do an eval)
A third with possible adhd (4 yo. So too young to diagnose) and a young toddler.

All of my kids are extremely independent when they want and all of a sudden incompetent when they don't.....

I have a preteen that is EXTREMELY challenging. She's like 5 teens all rolled into one.

What helps me is this.

Doing what I love - having a hobby.
Filling myself up with good social interactions
Music
Therapy
Household help like cleaning lady. Take out when needed.
(For me takeout is now out of the picture due to financial reasons but cleaning lady isn't optional)
A break in the room/bathroom when needed.
Keep kids busy as much as possible - hobbies, extra curriculars, my oldest, a preteen loves baking - she's in charge of baking all school snacks, cakes and cookies every Sunday.
Spend as much fun time with them as possible. Play games, take them for a walk. hiking. The zoo. And amusement park. The town and county fares....
Listen to them when they are ready to talk. Not necessarily when YOU are ready for them to talk but when they are.
Thing is, that the more fun time and quality time you spend, the easier it will be on YOU. And the more you experience nice times together the stronger the bond between you and your children is. And that is always a help.

I try to give as much energy to positive interactions and little to no energy to negative. So it's not a way for them to get my attention/reaction.
If I mess up I apologize.
I try to remind myself, they didn't ask to be born with these challanges. They are struggling and that's why they are acting out. Not because they are happy and content. Happy and content kids don't challange their mother to such a level.

Give yourself credit for the times you do do right by them. And if you must yell, call out the behaviour. Not the kid. And NEVER any names.
"I Saif STOP. How many times do I have to say it???" "That was disrespectful speech! Watch your language!" "No hands!"
Or whatever.
Be careful and stay away from "you are driving me nuts!" "Your crazy" "idiot" "get lost" and I do have to say it, cuz those kids can really push us to the limit. I grew up with those. It's not a nice way to grow up.
Keep your hands off of them when angry. Even a touch can come out too aggressive when you are upset. And they can feel it and it's bad for them.
Find a good physical outlet to let your anger and frustration out. (Punching bag. Working out. Punching a bed or pillow. Stress ball. Band pulling. Whatever)
Some time ago I was beyond my limit. I was in a situation where I couldn't constructively/safely let the frustration out. It was terribly physically painful all the anger and frustration building up inside of me. I felt like beating up my kid. But that wasn't an option. I lifted my arm and bit myself so hard. I right away went to put arnica cream and an ice pack. But I suffered for it for 2 weeks. I felt like I'm literally going to explode or snap.
I'm proud of myself for not touching my child. (I grew up with physical punishment. That's a nono) but what I did was bad too. I'm not sure what I'd do next time. But it's something to keep in mind how to get yourself to calm down and regulate in these high stress highly stimulating and overwhelming times. And usually it's THEN that your kid will push your buttons.

If your wondering. I'm hiding in my room for a few minutes now while dh holds down the Forte LOL

meyerlemon44

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 5:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

I recently took a solo vacation to help with the stress of having multiple special needs kids. It was tremendously helpful in reducing my stress levels. I wish I had something more profound or long-term to offer; hopefully other posters do.