Taking to kids "private" topics

amother

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 4:27 pm

I grew up with a mother who struggles with mental health issues and neglected a lot of basics. Also grew up in a very sheltered environment where nobody spoke about anything. ( I know most of my friends grew up in more normal households and their mothers probably spoke to them but we didn't talk between each other.)
So I was never told about periods - just started bleeding one day and I thought I was dying. Physical development was never discussed, it all just happened, and growing up was very hard for me. I'm still dealing with a lot of trauma. My mother never told me she was pregnant or anything about pregnancy even when I was an adult. Never mind s-x. I mostly figured things out myself.
My own kids are getting older. My oldest daughter is still pretty young but I worry all the time about how/what/when I'll talk to her about her body and development. I'm currently pregnant and want to tell my children that we'll have a new baby soon iyh but I don't know how. It doesn't help that I have anxiety and firsthand experience with loss and things going wrong so I also worry about what if I do tell them and chas vshalom something happens. ( Kids in question are somewhere between 4-8 years old.) Any advice?

Sorry for the rambling, my mind is a mess.
And I know about the 2 books people always recommend for telling girls about development, planning on buying them when my daughter is a little older, but I'm still nervous and that doesn't help with the situation now.

amother

Electricblue

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 4:53 pm

This is one of the easier things to tell your kids, I would tell my kids 8+ once your are obviously showing. Say "Leah and Chani, I (or we) have exciting news to tell you, IY"H we are going to have a baby". They'll probably ask you questions like when? And answer accurately but not exactly - like a few weeks after Tisha B'Av. Or whatever makes sense. What are you worried about? That they'll ask you how the baby will be born? My kids actually didn't ask this but if they do ask have a vague answer like "H-shem has a special way for babies to be born from their mother." Then you can prepare yourself for a more detailed answer with the resources that people suggest here. If your daughter is around 10 you can do the boook "The Wonder of Becoming You". You don't need to have an answer on the spot.

sara1232

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 4:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

Just tell them that mommy will be having a baby, I doubt kids that young will think to ask follow ups.
I work with kids and have more than once had 3 yr olds come up and tell me that "mommy has a baby in her belly" or "mommy told them they're gonna get a new brother" etc. It's so not a big deal, only becomes a big deal if u make it one.
(PSA don't tell ur kids before ur comfortable w other ppl knowing bc they will leak it to their morahs😂)

amother

Steel

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 5:00 pm

When telling my children about my pregnancy, I would told my 5 and 6 year olds a few months before I was due, when I was already noticeable, as I wanted to tell them before they heard it from others. (My younger ones I only told a few weeks before.)
I did not give a date, but approximate time of month and told them we'll be IYH having a new baby. I wouldn't broach the idea of loss with them now, as it could scare them, as they're young. (I was nervous about loss, but figured if that would C"V happen, then I would need to have a conversation about it, which wouldn't be easy.)

amother

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 5:00 pm

amother Electricblue wrote:

So my kids are not over age 8 yet. And yes, they will ask how a baby is born. They somehow already found out that a baby is in a Mommy's tummy before it's born. (I didn't tell them, but I'm not upset that they know.) I don't think they will be satisfied with vague answers but I'm not ready to give little kids too many details. And I don't know what they will repeat to their friends in their (chassidish) schools.

sara1232

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 5:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

Tell them the baby is in mommy's tummy and then the dr takes it out

amother

Glitter

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 5:07 pm

How about telling them the truth?

You can couch anything in age appropriate language. Children are naturally curious, but, they very very rarely ask something that they're not ready to hear yet.

If you tell them the truth, you don't have to remember what you said last time. You don't have to be worried that someone else will tell them the truth before you. You don't have to come up with creative ideas of what to say. And most importantly, you won't lose their trust when they get older and learn the truth. Instead of learning that mommy talks in circles but they can find the truth from their friend or the internet or something, they will learn that they can turn to mommy for questions about these things. They will learn that if there ever confused or scared, they can ask Mommy. Is that a lesson you want them to learn?

amother

Glitter

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 5:11 pm

What this might sound like to a 7-year-old girl is that yes, there is a baby in mommy's tummy. And when the time comes that mommy feels that the baby is ready to be born, she will go to the hospital. And Hashem will make a special place open up so the baby can come out. And the baby will be so cute but will also cry sometimes.

If she gets too specific which is highly unlikely, and asks, but where? And how? You can always say that something for big girls and we'll talk about that when she gets older. But lying isn't the right answer.

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 5:11 pm

I told my kids there is a special opening for a baby to come out of.
And when they were older, and they asked if it comes out from the bottom, I said yes.
My three year old son asked me a little while ago if I have a baby in my belly, and I said yes. He then proceeded to tell me about his classmate, also three years old, whose mommy had a baby in her belly, and now the baby came out.

amother

Apple

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 5:14 pm

Younger ones, 2-3, you can say things like, if mommy has a baby and need to rest, would you like to go to aunt Chaya?
(If your sending away) somehow the if, rather then when, made it easier for me.

I also remind them, when my sibling has a baby that moshy went to bobby bec mommy needs to rest. Even if I'm not pregnant, so they know that change can come.

amother

Glitter

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 5:19 pm

sara1232 wrote:

Take it out is a strong term, you're right. I guess I'd say mommy goes to the hospital so the Dr's can help the baby come out safely. Or similar. Which is true.

And that's perfect. A small change in wording makes all the difference.

You don't have to say everything. But what you say should be true.

(Look, I know people who can honestly tell their children that the baby was put in and taken out by the doctor. But most of us are fortunate that that's not the case.)

amother

Wheat

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 5:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

Based on conversations I’ve had with my kids at that age… First answer- mommy will go to the hospital and the dr will help take the baby out.

If a follow up- there’s a special hole near my stomach that opens up when the baby is ready to come out and then it closes again after.

If they follow up with questions on the location of hole, I’d probably say it’s complicated and you’ll explain more when they’re older.

I like sprinkling in words like “miracle” and “special” because really the entire process is quite miraculous. I’m also ok being vague unless pushed further and also to say “I can’t talk now, let’s continue this later.”

Know that the more you discuss these topics, the easier it is and pregnancy is the best one to begin with because there are so many “simple” aspects to it.

amother

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 5:23 pm

Thank you all for posting, this has been really helpful. Glitter, to answer your first post, I had no clue what to say since nobody ever told me anything, age appropriate or otherwise. So having you and the other imas spelling things out makes things clearer.
It's hard to understand what growing up with dysfunction/abuse does to a person unless you've been through it yourself. Even my husband can't fully comprehend why I am the way I am and he's witnessed the dysfunction/abuse firsthand. It makes even simple things complicated.

amother

Glitter

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 6:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

I understand. I wasn't trying to be harsh and I apologize if I came across that way. I was trying to be straight and direct, which is of course the way you want to talk to your children too. It's not just the words you say, it's a mindset. And that's also what I was trying to get across. When nobody ever modeled it for you, it's hard to understand and habituate yourself to just telling the truth as it is and in its simple form. Your mind immediately goes to, but what's the best story I can come up with or how can I get away with hiding this instead of just going with a simple truth. So there's a pattern here that you can change.

I have nothing but admiration for you for trying to break the cycle and do things better for your own children. And even though you're not perfect, the fact that you're trying to do this right will make all the difference.