I really dislike my child/ren

amother

Dahlia

Fri, Jan 19 2024, 12:13 am

amother Pewter wrote:

And sometimes, some people have exceptionally challenging children.
Just say thank you that you don’t

This.
Two of my (now grown) children are exactly like that. The one with ODD/OCD would constantly trigger the one with the mood disorder, and each had their own very difficult personalities that added to the constant explosions. Honestly, if you haven't been there, you can't understand. You can be the best parents (hey, look at the other kids! And ask them... then or today) but your home feels like a war zone, not the peaceful safe haven you envisioned and worked so hard for.
I love all my kids, but some days I'd just wish I could stay in bed because every day felt like a battle.
And all the many experts and different therapists and approaches didn't help one bit. Honestly, we tried everything, but they really had no idea.
My own mother, who raised a large beautiful family, told me once that she never could have gotten through if her kids had been that challenging, and voiced her admiration on our patience and not giving up. I found that very validating at the time, an acknowledgement that this is NOT normal and no, it is not because of our parenting.

OP -
My heart goes out to you and your family. A big hug from a sister who had been there, actually is still there in a way but as they are grown the everyday circumstances at home have changed.
I don't know why Hashem gave us children with these challenges, but I know that He has his reasons and that it is all for the best, for them and for us.
Whenever I read "welcome to Holland" I cry, because it isn't just parents of kids with disabilities who find themselves in an unplanned location. Except support is much harder to find, because the difficulties are invisible to most and when they aren't, the source is so hard to pinpoint and so often others mistakenly and judgementally connect it to parenting skills (or their perceived lack of).
What helps me is constant working on my own attitude:
I keep trying my very best, every time, knowing that the result is not up to me but that I will never give up trying because these are my kids.
I always try to focus on the good traits each one has (and they do!).
I ask Hashem for help, He gave us these kids, we are in this together.
I take whatever support I can on the rare occasion that the difficulty of our situation is acknowledged (ra_mom, can I have a hug too?)

I wish I had more practical advice, all I can offer is to share here, so you see that you are not alone.

amother

DarkYellow

Fri, Jan 19 2024, 4:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

I really know that this is horrible. We're supposed to love our children, I do, but I don't like them. Hashem has given me one challenging child after another so yes I stopped having any. When they are babies and little they are cute and their issues are little, it's just downhill from there. I'm a terrible person, shoot me, but I wish I had normal children and a normal household. No amount of self care or sholom bayis or therapy can take away the mental and emotional exhaustion of caring for my kids. It's 8:30, since 4 today there has been yelling, screaming, ranting, destruction, and fighting. One kid is non stop arguing bc he is ASD and OCD so he just goes on and on, trigger the other one who has a mood disorder who is then throwing things, another one is having an absolute meltdown over orange juice. It's been an entire evening like this. Days and weeks and months of evenings like this. Where is the nachas? Where is the family I dreamed of and davened for? My kids have no friends due to their issues and they can't get along at all.
I'm miserable and I hate being a mom.

Hey OP, I just wanted to tell you before Shabbos that I totally understand you're not alone. I also have multiple SN children who make every day so hard. I mourn the family I wanted to have and ask what the point of it all is, ask where the naches is. We have no friends, can't go to shul or to anyone's house for Shabbos, etc. Your feelings are valid and you're entitled to them, coming from someone who understands. I hope the therapies you're getting for your kids bear fruit.

amother

Skyblue

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 5:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

P.S. none of my children are babies. These are all grade school children, this is not about waiting until they get a bit older.

I don't understand why Hashem gave me these children. I'm not doing a good job at all. I'm constantly struggling. I do not have it together. I often lose it at them. I don't have special stories to share about their beautiful neshamas. I'm not a strong person. Im miserable and often think of running away or CV worse.

I feel your pain and wish you could get good support. It’s a lot to carry.

amother

DarkGreen

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 7:34 pm

Ok
I have a similar child, the whole adhd/ anxiety / odd / Tourette’s package
He is a nightmare .
But really if I think about it, he may actually a sweet kid underneath his issues …. But it’s his diagnosis that make him a nightmare
Anyway, what do I really want to say ??
The only thing that has helped our family, is meds , meds & more meds
It has 0% to do with your parents , and 100% with the way their brain is wired
So I had you need an excellent doctor & meds & meds
Have you tried Respiradone ?
This medication has literally saved our family .