What’s your opinion about this invite? update pg 4

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 10:02 pm

effess wrote:

Do any of the aunts uncles cousins have space for you?
Would they host you for a lunch or playing?

My sibs in law will probably be able to host for a meal or play date, but I wouldn’t impose on them shabbos hagadol if they aren’t selling their house…..

I’m really appreciative of all the perspectives and am thinking if another time might be a good idea….

I still might do it for their sake…..

amother

↑ Crocus

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 10:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

Hatzlacha! It can be so hard sometimes to know what the right thing is to do. Wishing you clarity!

amother

Lemonchiffon

Fri, Feb 09 2024, 1:20 am

I have a sort of similar situation, don't need to go into all the details.
We do not visit for Yom tov. It's just way too complicated.
We will visit at a time of year that works for us.
We rent our own place or stay in a hotel. There are restaurants and grocery stores with kosher food. And shabbos is only 25 hours. I'll buy takeout for shabbos and bring along, or cook a little by my mother although she doesn't allow me tons of time in her kitchen.
Or we all eat at another relative who lives within walking distance.
But after shabbos, we're back on our own.
Yom tov is just too many days and pesach for sure is too complicated.

amother

Bone

Fri, Feb 09 2024, 4:52 am

Hmmm... I live overseas so I get it.
Sometimes parents and in laws have rules and I respect them as the rules of their house.
Meanwhile, I personally would only do that if I was ready for the work. I would do it knowing
1. This is precious time with extended family that you and your kids will treasure
2. You will be working nonstop and will come out of this trip (not vacation!) very exhausted

amother

Lawngreen ↓

Fri, Feb 09 2024, 5:01 am

Why don’t you first see if you can find a place to rent that would be good for your family?
If you know that you’ll have a comfortable place that is close to your parents then I think it’s more doable. Find out how much it would cost and decide if you can afford it along with airfare.
I don’t understand why you have to come before shabbos hagadol? Why can’t you come on Sunday? I think pesach starts on Monday night. Is it because your parents need help with the cooking? You would have to pay for an extra week of the rental if it would even be available that early.
Speak to your siblings who seem to live nearby and ask them to help you find a place.
Once you have an option of where to stay you can decide if this trip makes sense for you.
Personally I would only go if there was a very comfortable place for my family. It’s a long time. It’s not just 1-2 nights.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Fri, Feb 09 2024, 6:21 am

amother OP wrote:

So I’ve received an invite from parents for Pesach overseas. ( hasn’t happened in forever, we’re usually disinvited).
We need to pay our own tickets, we need to arrange, and pay for our own accommodations.
We need to arrive before shabbos Hagadol, but aren’t really welcome for then, only for pesach meals.
I guess the invite covers Pesach seudas..
Breakfast, snack etc. we will need to arrange…
I will also probably need to help with food, so that there would be enough for my families big appetite. (Typical eaters, but on Pesach since we don’t eat bought food there’s lots of food to make).

So work harder and pay more….

Yet, we will get to spend time with overseas family!
We are tight now, but I guess we can swing it if it’s important enough…

So its a question of how much YOU want to go. They are telling you, you are welcome if you want to come, as opposed to- please come and be our guests.
Only you can answer that question.

amother

Bluebell

Fri, Feb 09 2024, 6:51 am

amother Lawngreen wrote:

Depends how long the flight is. Realistically, everyone is going to approach the Seder in a better mood without having had a last minute flight, and having had a couple of days to get over jet lag.

If the overseas is Israel, check out what arrangements they can accommodate for second Seder and last day of Pesach.

amother

Turquoise

Fri, Feb 09 2024, 6:58 am

naomi2 wrote:

I agree it's not a generous invitation but it might be good to go anyway. It's really going to be up to you. spending time with family is one of the most important things in life, if the relationship healthy.

Does the relationship here sound healthy?

Personally- we pay to join our in laws in an overpriced hotel (it’s not fancy, just expensive for what it is). It’s really hard with little kids and there were times it’s a stretch financially but we do it, not every year and I can’t say I’m not resentful. What you’re describing sounds much more complicated and I’m not sure I would do that. Can you go visit a different time? When you can also go touring/ relax/ enjoy? Pesach is so hard all around.

amother

Catmint

Fri, Feb 09 2024, 7:34 am

amother OP wrote:

I don’t understand why are you upset at your parents about it. From reading you posts it looks like you are better off than your parents. They want you there but they can’t afford it. Hence you are inviting them into your house often and they spend time at your house. What’s the catch. You are invited but it’s very hard to host people for pesach especially for older (than you) parents and you are asked to help in any way possible

groisamomma

Fri, Feb 09 2024, 7:52 am

You're responsible for the tickets.
You're responsible for the accommodations.
You're responsible for the food.
You're responsible for the entertainment.
You'll meet family you don't usually get to see.

It sounds like a great family vacation for any other time of year. Why do it over Pesach when it will complicate matters 10000x over? I would get resentful being stuck in the kitchen (especially in a foreign apartment, where it takes a week to get used to the kitchen) because we all know that will happen...

amother

Mistyrose

Fri, Feb 09 2024, 8:16 am

Maybe your parents want to see you but are getting older and are not up to the hosting, from preparing beds, food preparations, noise and children underfoot? Or is it a half hearted invitation?

You have to go in knowing it's going to be hard work for you and you are doing it so that your kids get to see your family.

Plan menus in advance the same way as if you were home. Breakfast and snack and chol hamoed food. Also have a back up plan of foods that are easy to prepare by your parents when there is no other food available and your kids need something to eat! Without overwhelming the kitchen. You might need to shop to stock their fridge in addition to yours. I would say bring a Betty Crocker along, but there's very little chol hamoed this year.

Once you're renting a place, can you make it into a fun vacation that happens to be with Pesach food, not that you've been kicked out of your parents house and this is second choice.

amother

↑ Lawngreen ↓

Fri, Feb 09 2024, 8:16 am

groisamomma wrote:

I’m not sure I completely agree.
They are invited for all Yom Tov meals and to hang out with the family. In addition, op’s siblings live nearby and can have her over occasionally. Plus the kids will get to know their cousins and grandparents.
Op’s parents cannot host them for whatever reason but they still want to see them.
It’s complicated when families live in different countries and things are so expensive.
It might be too much for op but it might actually work and be a nice memory for everyone.

Queen Of Hearts

Fri, Feb 09 2024, 8:27 am

I would decide according to my mental stamina and capabilities. Are you the type who gets overwhelmed easily? Do you take things hard?
Or are you the type who has strength and you'll just swing into things and not feel like you're buckling under the pressure.
Personally, I would buckle under this pressure so I wouldn't do it over Pesach.
But if you're the type who can handle it then go for it.

It's all relative. Some can do it and some can't.

amother

Chocolate

Fri, Feb 09 2024, 8:34 am

I'll be the odd one out and say definitely go if you are up to it! What ever happened to kibbud av vaem??? Noone said it's always easy to do! If your parents/in laws are elderly they probably don't have the ability to do more than they offered!

Happens to be, I have similar situation, with in laws living overseas and the last time we went for pesach, my mother in law begged us to stay by them, and eat every meal by them! But we refused because she is getting older and don't want her to have that extra burden and pressure (they have many other couples as well that come throughout pesach), so we rented an apartment near them and told her that we are only coming for the pesach meals. For everything else, we managed just fine b'h. We bought a crock pot and cooked meals for in between - erev Pesach/chol hamoed/second day etc...
My mother in law probably felt guilty, but we kept calming her down that this is best for everyone. As is, she spends her days and nights in her kitchen, how on earth would she manage with grandkids all over and have to worry about three meals every day for them?!?!