Anyone ever deal with one child bullying a sibling?

amother

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 10:05 am

Ds 12 is bullying ds 9 to an extreme, constantly putting him down and making minced meat of him. This child is very difficult in general and causing a lot of stress in the household. We’re working on strengthening the child who is being bullied but I really wish I could get the bullying son to stop. Has anyone had this and found a tactic that works?

(Ds 12 has been in therapy and will be starting again)

amother

Wine

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 12:19 pm

Yes. It has been hell. I didn’t deal with it properly and I’m seeing the fallout . It’s a very serious issue.
The bullying child felt I sided with the bullied child , so it was a vicious cycle. Now they are 18 and 13 . The 18 yr old is medicated for various mental health issues and the 13 yr old now needs serious therapy , has a compulsive eating disorder and has a very low sense of self .
Both have very low senses of self. One hurt because he was hurting and the other is now hurting because he was hurt

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 12:23 pm

I am also looking for resources.
My older kids gang up on my youngest and it’s so triggering to me the way all the nice behavior flies out the window and they’re so mean “because she’s annoying”.
I get angry and that doesn’t help anyone.
I tell them stop being mean and they say but she’s annoying me so I won’t stop.
I feel like hitting them it’s so triggering but obviously 🙄 that isn’t the solution. Just describing how I feel.
And I feel sad and disappointed.
I need a script or Better ideas.

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 12:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

I was horribly mean to my younger sister when I was a child. As an adult I feel terrible about it. But I know I did it to get attention, I was jealous of that sister and this was my way of trying to make myself seen being a sandwich child. Hurt people, hurt people

amother

Brown

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 12:27 pm

I have this now with my 10 and 8 yo.
My 10 yo is medicated and that helps for safety. 10dc was extremely violent and choked out 8dc just becuase. It was crazy.

It hurts real bad. And I sometimes feel like beating 10dc to pulp so that dc feels what it feels like to be attacked and calling 10dc names and doing what dc 10 does. But that wouldn't solve it only create a whole new host of problems. And so I'm trying to work with professionals. And slowly turning white.....

amother

Azure

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 12:35 pm

I give you ladies so much credit. I would literally slap the child that lifts a finger to bully his/her sibling. It’s not the younger child’s fault his sibling is hurting! How are you allowing long term damage to be inflicted on an innocent child just because? I don’t know how you stay so calm. Hashem gives each their own nisayon because this is one I would fail miserably at.

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 12:42 pm

amother Azure wrote:

Not sure if you’re giving a back-handed compliment?

My kids are mean I don’t know that I’d call it bullying but I’m keeping an eye on it. Wonder if it’s jealousy or self-centeredness (“she’s being annoying”- what the heck is wrong with you? You’re also annoying to others sometimes😡) I don’t know.

amother

Amber

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 1:16 pm

We have suffered so much from this. I can't even begin to tell you.

One thing that really helped was if anyone uses physical hurting (kicking, hitting, throwing, pinching, scratching, younameit) that person takes an immediate reset-break in their room for 5 minutes, best is if you wait 10 seconds and let them both use physical means so they both get the consequence and the child doesn't feel like that parent is taking sides. (I am very much around and see what's going on, I don't think you can do it if you didn't witness it.) They have exactly 1 minute to get to their room. If they don't go, everyone goes on family outing that day to buy a prize, treat, visit someone, etc that night and that person doesn't go.

This significantly reduced the amount of hurting going on and made the two kids who fight the most lose interest in each other, to some extent. We still have instances here and there of verbal/emotional bullying that we're still working on, but bh it's very infrequent.

I know it sounds like cruelly pre-meditated punishment and maybe it is. But being bullied is no joke. We set up this program with a professional after other interventions didn't help at all. At the same time, we also gave both kids a lot of one on one attention. We gave the older kid privileges. We took both of them (separately) to craniosacral therapy to down-regulate their nervous systems which were constantly highly aroused because of all the fighting and bullying. We also got them both more involved in extracurricular stuff so they weren't bored and had more time apart from each other.

It has been a long journey and I never feel like I can rest or take a break. It's really hard. Some days, I've literally wanted to just walk out the door and never see my kids again. It also hurts me so much, like how could such cruel people have come from me??? It's such a challenging situation. You have all my sympathy.

amother

Razzmatazz

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 1:50 pm

I was the younger sibling. I'm sure I was annoying. In the beginning it was mostly physical, but over the years it was more emotional abuse. Yes, I'd call it abuse from a sibling. It got to the point were I was scared to be home alone with her--even in my teens. Hated bringing friends over. More than once I packed my bags to run away from home, but I truly loved my family, so I never made it far.

But it took years (post marriage) to recover emotionally and build up my self esteem. My parents tried everything (minus therapy as my older sister refused) they could. Time out in her room didn't phase her. She'd find things to do in her room, basement, or where ever she was sent.

It took years of us both being married and living very far from each other (different countries) before we could have a normal conversation. The once in a while we see each other, we do now enjoy each other's company, but I do feel like I'm walking on eggshells, that any moment she'll explode at me (even though she hasn't in over 20 years).

amother

Olive

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 3:30 pm

I was the younger sibling. I have lasting issues from decisions made based on the circumstances and trauma.

I used to pray that my parents sent him to dorm for high school. As a full adult now I can see that my childhood wish would have been brilliant for everyone involved.

From a parenting perspective, I think you need to know the psychological and emotional motivation behind the bullying in order to improve the situation.

Crookshanks

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 4:12 pm

amother Amber wrote:

You sound like an amazing parent. You did, and are doing, so much for your children. They will be so grateful looking back as adults 🧡

amother

Amber

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 9:53 pm

Crookshanks wrote:

You sound like an amazing parent. You did, and are doing, so much for your children. They will be so grateful looking back as adults 🧡

Thank you so much for that! It really means a lot to me. It's not something I have ever gotten validation for and it's something that I've worked very hard for, including a tremendous amount of inner work.

amother

Wine

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 10:04 pm

amother Azure wrote:

In my boys case it’s more verbal and emotional abuse . There was some physical which we always intervened . But it was much harder to deal with the verbal bullying or out right constant meanness. Examples: calling him a pig , day in and day out .
Letting him know that he wishes he would die etc. Really awful stuff .
When I asked the bullying child what his brother ever did to him for him to speak to him this way he said “the fact that he was born”.