How would you handle this?

amother

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 5:40 pm

This is a scenario that happens often in my house. DS 11 keeps his room messy and will keep objects on the floor, in a random place, or under his bed. Every so often, he loses or misplaces something small. When this happens, he acts totally inappropriate , screaming, crying , and yelling . He blames either the cleaning lady or the toddler for touching his stuff and losing the object. And he blames me for “allowing” them to do it. Usually, the object turns up a few days later and it is in a place where DS left it.

When this happens I say a few things. One is that just because you lose something doesn’t mean you have the right to act destructive and inappropriate. The best way to find an object is to look for it. If you can’t find it , give some Tzeddaka and wait. Maybe it’ll turn up.

Second, if you don’t know for sure that someone touched it, it’s not ok to blame anyone.

Next, if you care about an object, keep it in a safe place. And it would help to keep the room organized. I offer to help him organize the room or look for the object once he is acting appropriate and calm.

DH comes home, hears that something is going on, the crying, etc. and supports DS view. Yeah the cleaning lady is stupid, just keep your door locked when she comes. He asks the toddler (who has no idea what he is talking about) if she has seen the object, describing it to the toddler and showing pictures. He tells DS he will buy him a special cubby with a lock. He adds fuel to the fire, getting DS even more worked up against me, the cleaning lady, the toddler, the chaotic house we live and then offers to replace the missing object if it isn’t found.

When I try to reason with DH and explain my point of view as to why what he is teaching DS is not a good message for him. He tells me that I am wrong and that nobody in this house has respect for anybody else’s things. I’ll also add that when DH loses something, he also blames everybody and then later finds the object in a place he left it. He also keeps his office locked when the cleaning lady comes.
DS and DH are the only people in the house that lose items regularly.

What would you do?

amother

Tomato

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 8:36 pm

We told our son that whatever is left on the floor will be thrown out. Since them he keeps his room neater.

You can try to keep your sons room door closed don't enter. Leave it as he left it as is. Let him start being responsible for everything in his room. He should bring out his landry that need to be washed and put it back after wash.

If it doesn't work, tell your husband that you respect his way and therefore you will try not enter the room, now he should help your son take care of his room let them clean it together. Your husband understands this child so he can teach him responsibility. Remove your emotions and let them try to do it there way. If it doesn't work find advice from a professional. Hugs.

amother

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 11:57 pm

I think there are plenty of shelves and bins. I told my husband you can add as many bins and cubby’s as you want and it’s not going to solve this problem. He gave him a big space to keep things with a lock on it and here we are again…I tried the if something is left on the floor, I will throw it away rule but again my husband thinks it’s cruel and doesn’t go for it. I would be able to handle this issue on my own and have him learn his lesson , keep the room organized, etc. However, because my husband is supporting the bad behavior instead of supporting me, it fails. I guess I will stop putting my energy into this and let them do it their way without getting involved. I see it as a waste of time and a losing battle even though what they are doing isn’t healthy.

amother

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 12:15 am

I have also told him to keep his room locked and take care of it and as long as it stays clean, the cleaning lady won’t go in. We organized the whole room together. I’m saying together but really I did all the work, but the idea was to do it together. He couldn’t keep it organized and then started complaining that he doesn’t have clean pants, etc. Instead of telling him that it’s because he’s not on top of his laundry and he’s leaving his clothing everywhere without putting them away, my husband says to me, why don’t you buy him new pants?

I know my husband is being irrational and lacks an understanding of the problem. It bothers me a lot that this is a problem I know I can solve with his support and yet, he’s supporting the wrong thing.