Strange behavior or not?

amother

Bellflower

Mon, Feb 19 2024, 7:33 am

amother OP wrote:

Israeli Chareidy. Couple seudas are just not a thing until there are some older children.

Can you make it a thing for this situation? lol it really sounds like she can use some breaking into with the family. Or can you guys go with them to their meal??

SuperWify

Mon, Feb 19 2024, 7:38 am

amother OP wrote:

Having them over for a Shabbos meal isn’t really done in our circles so that’s out of the question.
About taking out the garbage, I don’t mind in the slightest, they probably forget since they have to pack up all their things after shabbos and are in a rush to catch the bus home.

You can’t have your brother in law for a meal? Never heard of such a thing in any circles….

amother

Emerald

Mon, Feb 19 2024, 7:42 am

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

DON'T YELL AT ME, AND IN RED LETTERS,YET, LADY! I'm not the one behaving rudely here. I was merely attempting to offer OP ideas for being dlkz. Were you absent from school the day they taught about "והווה דן את כל האדם לכך זכות"?

Gads, some people...

amother

Cerise

Mon, Feb 19 2024, 7:46 am

amother OP wrote:

Israeli Chareidy. Couple seudas are just not a thing until there are some older children.

With family??

Never ever heard of this. And I also live in Israel Charedi circles.

amother

Cerise

Mon, Feb 19 2024, 8:07 am

OP, if you wouldn't sit together and eat a meal then it makes total sense that she doesn't feel comfortable hanging around your house on Shabbos.

I wouldn't feel comfortable hanging around my friends houses while their husbands are there and it seems you have the same separation with in laws. She doesn't know when your husband is there and when not so it makes sense she prefers to just keep to herself.

I think this point is an important part of the puzzle.

amother

Alyssum

Mon, Feb 19 2024, 8:10 am

I used to do similar..... not totally bec I used to go to my siblings in law when my inlaws where there so I would come out and push myself to socialize a drop before the meals, but overall I would spend the day in my room.... It was bec of social anxiety and being intimidated by my older sisters in law with all their kids.... Plus I worked all week and really enjoyed the quiet, being able to eat what I wanted, catch up on sleep and reading.... The meals where plenty enough socializing for me..... My sister's in law where all really nice and welcoming whenever I did come out or there was a family event....they went out of their ways to welcome me.
It took me many years to get comfortable with dh family (like 7-8 yrs). Now with kids and more confidence I'm way more friendly but it's like I turned his family away after the way I acted all those years .... They are much wary of me, busy with their older families and any relationship/connection now comes from me initiating. It kind of makes me sad since I'd love more of a connection with them, but I also get it...

B'Syata D'Shmya

Mon, Feb 19 2024, 11:48 am

amother Emerald wrote:

Are you OK?
This is not a personal thing.
Your DLKZ was at the expense of OPs SB with her SIL, suggesting SIL wouldnt eat in her home for kashrus reasons is not a good thing nor is it DLKZ, it might be Sinas Chinum.
As I explained, in the red letters we are not allowed to embarrass another Jew (esp not family and hosts) over Kashrus issues.
No one was "yelling", but I appreciate your last line. A bit over the top, no?

B'Syata D'Shmya

Mon, Feb 19 2024, 11:56 am

amother OP wrote:

I’m torn between repeatedly inviting them to sit with us and just letting it be and waiting for them to initiate. Wouldn’t want to them to feel forced.
It’s just my first time experiencing such shyness from someone.

Would your husband offer to learn with your BIL at a mutually beneficial time on Shabbos and then you could invite her to go to the park with you and the kids or something?
Could she be pregnant and fighting symptoms?
You probably are just relegated to being patient and keep your eyes and ears open in case they need you.
In the meantime, being a good hostess is an amazing chessed on your part for them and your parents.

amother

Amaranthus

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 12:57 am

Queen Of Hearts wrote:

I vote leave them alone.
Her behavior may be strange and unsocial. But that's obviously what this couple wants right now.
Be extra friendly and welcoming but don't pressure them to join you for any activities or schmoozing.
Remember by the time they return to your home they probably feel like they did enough socializing with others.
This may just be a case of newlyweds in the clouds.
Or it may not. Time will tell.

This.
Seems like typical newly wed behavior. As a mother of many marrieds, I noticed they spend a lot of their time in the bedroom until they warm up to the family.

amother

Lemonlime

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 5:10 am

I'm also part of the Israeli chareidi society, and I agree that couple meals are not really done, but I do not agree that that means you can't invite your bil/sil for a meal. I went with my husband to his brother and family when we were first married. They had 2 kids, 3 and 5-ish yrs old. His mom probably told him to invite us. We stayed with my friend in the area and went to him for meals. And we had dh's sister and her dh when they were first married. We had I think 2 kids at the time, 2 and 4-ish. They stayed by us and ate with us. The non-related males/females don't speak together much, but it seemed perfectly acceptable.

So I think you could invite them to a meal if you want. Could be they'll say they're uncomfortable if they really don't think it's appropriate. But I think I kind of agree with those who said if you're okay with it just leave it. Either she doesn't want to impose or she is really uncomfortable socializing. Seems more likely the second and if she comes even when there's room by your in-laws, I'm guessing she's appreciating the freedom from social pressure.

amother

Lilac

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 11:49 am

I think they are just not 100% comfortable.

I hosted my then newly married nephew and wife when they came to visit my sister and she didn't have room. They barely said 2 words and hibernated the whole visit while here. Now they live near me and are very comfortable here.