WWYD? Hosting when having complicated pregnancy

teachkids

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 10:07 pm

If you really feel bad and it's mostly set up issues, you can offer "I'm not able to set up my guest room right now, if you want to use it, you can bring over your spare linens and set it up for them and retrieve them after

amother

White

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 10:25 pm

teachkids wrote:

Op also mentioned that it's hard also just to be around and greet and serve and she's extra anxious in general.
With someone like op, who has a hard time saying no and has so much guilt, it's best not to go in this direction, that "I can do it if you take care of the linen.. the food..." Considering she's dealing with a high risk pregnancy, and the emotional/physical toll of hosting, sometimes the right thing is just to say "NO, I'm sorry but I won't be able to host for several months."

amother

Lavender

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 11:08 pm

If you are in your 6th month, presumably people know you are pregnant. They also know you are not 23 anymore.
You really can just say
“Mazel Tov! I wish I could offer to host, but I can’t at this time. (Pat belly). B”H we will share many more simchas and I hope to be able to host for you in the future.”

I wouldn’t say that I am not hosting until after pesach, you deserve to be able to focus on getting back to yourself and taking care of your baby.

BatZion

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 11:27 pm

Saying no is the kindest thing you can do at the moment. To yourself. And that is what needs to be guiding you. You don't owe anyone anything. You do owe it to yourself and your unborn baby to take it easy and say no to any unnecessary extras- all of this hosting is unnecessary right now. If it helps, practice saying the sentence that you mean to say so that you feel confident doing so in real time. Please shake off the guilt. There is no guilt. In this season of life, this is what you need to be doing.

amother

Marigold

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 11:33 pm

Your absolute most important chessed right now is to your baby.
The less you do, the greater the chances of a healthier baby (and mother)
Everything should go well!

amother

Peru

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 1:03 am

I think the added mention that they should try you again next time since you'd really love to, it just doesn't work for you right now, is a great point since it makes it clear that it's really a temporary issue and not personal.

Wishing you a smooth rest of the pregnancy and an easy safe delivery for you and baby!

amother

Emerald

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 1:27 am

Baruch Hashem you have a good reason to say no right now, may everything go smoothly. If there is any risk that it could go not smoothly, you wouldn't want to be out of action chas v'shalom for different reasons.

There are many times in life where we must say no, and learn to take instead of give.

teachkids

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 2:39 am

amother OP wrote:

I think I still feel stressed from the actual hosting on Shabbos, too, though…
Not just set up/clean up

Then say no. "I'm sorry I'm just not up to it right now. "

amother

Brickred

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 3:12 am

NO NO NO. Don't feel bad for a second!! You need (as many said before but just giving my 2 cents) to keep your strength and feel good for your DH and family. Very nice that everyone helps everyone. Now is your Mitzva to say no. It doesn't matter about having help, doesn't matter that the neighbors will come and clean afterward (or so they say). Take care of yourself first. You should be the one who is resting and having help if needed.

amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 3:55 am

I once had a similar constellation of complications. I ended up having the baby about 6 weeks early and it had to be a ca section. Those two things are not unlikely in your case. I'm sharing this to a) remind you of what's at stake here and b) so you can tell yourself that you really might need to take a 6 month break from hosting. You're likely to need some time after the baby too, especially if there is a nicu stay and/or you end up with a c section. Since you generally WANT to host, prepare yourself that you may not be getting back into the game so fast.

WhatFor

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 4:16 am

kenz wrote:

I would not. If you’re far enough that you don’t mind sharing the reason, just explain that you’re experiencing a high risk pregnancy and you need to take a hosting break for a while. If you prefer not to share - totally understandable - just say that you’re going to be a taking a hosting break for the foreseeable future for personal reasons and you’ll iyH let them know when you can resume. (You’ll probably want a break for a while after the baby is born too iyH.)

I totally agree with this. And don't give any specific reasons (pesach, heavy lifting, etc) because people will often persist and offer ways to get around that issue. They may be well-meaning but it still creates a headache for you. ("oh, you're worried about crumbs before pesach? No problem! They're a very neat family and I'll just tell them not to bring any food. They'll be at my house the entire time, only at your house for sleeping!")

amother

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 6:09 am

So I just told no. That I'm not up to it for the next few months. And I have to tell three more people no now. Thank you all. I still feel bad. Is my guilt normal?