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WWYD? Hosting when having complicated pregnancy
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 7:55 pm
I live in an area where there are bH lots of simchos and people always ask each other to host company for bar mitzvahs, shabbos sheva berachos, etc.
I have 2 bedrooms and a bathroom in my basement and often host guests.
At this point, I am having a very complicated pregnancy. I’m older with many risk factors, don’t feel so good, have gestational diabetes, and recently was diagnosed with significant placenta previa, so the doctor said I can’t lift, make beds, do exercise, walk up and down stairs unless not necessary, blah blah…if I do too much I actually start to have contractions and I’m only just starting my sixth month.
People keep asking me to host.
I really have a cleaning lady who washes the linens, makes the beds, etc. so I don’t have to do any heavy work, although it does mean that those hours are spent preparing for and then cleaning up after guests, instead of doing other work around the house. I would like to start having her do things for Pesach because I seriously don’t know how I’m going to manage.
Also, just having people around, having to be nice, show them around, deal with noise in the morning, feed them breakfast, etc. is stressing me out, although it’s a huge mitzva and I don’t REALLY have to be so stressed. It’s just how I feel. I’m already in a high state of anxiety 24-7, and I feel this just adds to it. But it’s a mitzvah, and I feel guilty saying no when I really have very nice accommodations…and technically I could do it…
What would you do? And what would you tell people? I don’t want to share my personal saga with people, but it feels funny to just say no if I don’t have an excuse. And how can I stop from feeling guilty? Maybe I need extra zechusim now…
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amother
Butterscotch


 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 7:57 pm
Are you serious..how are you even questioning this. Its a no Brainer.
Hi I am really sorry but we aren't able to have any guests until after pesach...
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amother
Gardenia


 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 7:59 pm
The mitzvah now is to take care of yourself! You will get plenty of zechusim doing that.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 8:00 pm
amother Butterscotch wrote:
Are you serious..how are you even questioning this. Its a no Brainer.
Hi I am really sorry but we aren't able to have any guests until after pesach...



I host often too and I agree w this person. no way !
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amother
Olive


 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 8:00 pm
I don't host when I'm pregnant. (And I generally host often.) I don't give excuses. "Sorry, it doesn't work for us at the moment."
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amother
Lightyellow


 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 8:01 pm
Take care of yourself and your unborn baby. That’s it. No need to feel guilty in the slightest.
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amother
Buttercup


 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 8:02 pm
amother Butterscotch wrote:
Are you serious..how are you even questioning this. Its a no Brainer.
Hi I am really sorry but we aren't able to have any guests until after pesach...


Sometimes people post the obvious things like duhhh to an outsider but they can't see it in when they're in it

You're not hosting guests period. You think any neighbor will want the achrayus of causing you an issue chv? No they don't and it's also not their business.
Sorry we're not hosting. The end.
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amother
Antiquewhite


 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 8:03 pm
It’s good to have zchusim… but Hashem wants us to do the right mitzvos for us at that time.

By giving you a high risk pregnancy Hashem doesn’t want you to host now.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 8:06 pm
My last pregnancy was very difficult, I had a hard time standing on my feet and felt very tired in general. I many times host bochurim especially yom tov time. I was due right after sukkos, and dh just said I won’t be available to host for the next while. It’s nice to have guest but you need to take care of yourself too. And you don’t owe anybody any excuses!
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amother
Viola


 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 8:06 pm
Priority is yours and baby’s health. Take that really seriously! It sounds like Dr put you on a version of “bed rest” because things can get bad if you push yourself too hard. It’s not worth the stress, anxiety and work (even if physically most will be on cleaning lady, there’s still work for you) just to host random strangers for neighbors. Normally you’d get a mitzvah yes, now I think the mitzvah is putting your health first.

As far as excuses: “I am really sorry, now is not a good time for us”
Or “we’ve already started preparing for pesach and won’t be hosting until after yom tov”
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amother
DarkYellow


 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 8:07 pm
OP I can totally relate to you! I do this all the time. I want to say no bec xyz, but then feel so guilty saying no because it’s really not THAT hard. The thing is, most times it affects my DH and family and the reality is, chessed begins at home. Taking care of yourself, your baby, and family definitely comes first. After you’re back on your feet, you’ll resume hosting as usual. There’s nothing wrong with needing a break and just being upfront about it. I find the genuine clear answer the best.
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 8:08 pm
Your friends and neighbors have other people they can ask for hosting space. Your baby and family has only you. Case closed.

Wishing you an uneventful rest of your pregnancy!
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 8:36 pm
Thank you all for validating me. Yes it’s hard when you’re in it but also it’s hard to convince yourself that you have a REAL reason…when technically you COULD do it…
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 8:39 pm
"I wish I could, but for medical reasons I can't accommodate you at this time. "
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amother
Glitter


 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 8:39 pm
amother OP wrote:
Thank you all for validating me. Yes it’s hard when you’re in it but also it’s hard to convince yourself that you have a REAL reason…when technically you COULD do it…


You can’t though, the price is too high. Picture yourself holding your baby iyh. Look at the ultrasound picture and remind yourself that this pregnancy is the ultimate act of Chessed you need to prioritize now.
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 8:41 pm
amother OP wrote:
Thank you all for validating me. Yes it’s hard when you’re in it but also it’s hard to convince yourself that you have a REAL reason…when technically you COULD do it…

It sounds like this is a mitzvah you’ve been happy to do in the past and you really are a giving person. I like to remind myself that saying no now doesn’t mean I’m saying no forever or that there’s anything wrong with me but if I’m feeling so strongly about this, even if those feelings don’t seem totally rational, then saying no is he right choice for now.
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amother
Hunter


 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 8:43 pm
Oh gosh I relate to this so much. My sisters would crack up reading this.
And yet I agree (for another person it’s easier to see) it’s more important to say no.
Unless the other person’s cleaning help comes before and after to fully do the job. Nope I just read the OP and it’s not just the prep stressing you out. In which case it’s not the time for you. Even if their help cleans
If you’re like me you’ll doubt yourself after you say no 😂so I love the line “your neighbors have other people to ask your family just has you”
Pick a line here that resonates that your can remind yourself of when you are doubting yourself and feeling guilty after saying sorry not now.
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kenz




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 9:00 pm
I would not. If you’re far enough that you don’t mind sharing the reason, just explain that you’re experiencing a high risk pregnancy and you need to take a hosting break for a while. If you prefer not to share - totally understandable - just say that you’re going to be a taking a hosting break for the foreseeable future for personal reasons and you’ll iyH let them know when you can resume. (You’ll probably want a break for a while after the baby is born too iyH.)
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rmbg




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 9:09 pm
In addition to all the above you can say, but please don’t hesitate to ask me the next time you need- then they know it’s not personal.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Sat, Feb 24 2024, 9:52 pm
When I had a similar situation I just said I wasn’t able to have guests then. It’s really not worth it. Please take care of yourself and your baby.
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