Dh Traveling | Imamother

amother

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 7:53 pm

Dh likes to go to Isreal at least once a year. He also needs an annual visit to Europe to kivei tzaddikim. This is in addition to our yearly budget vacation and his going to shvitz and other outlets.

The problem is that I view it as an extra and I don’t get extra. I don’t buy jewelry or wigs. Only clothes that we need on sale. We don’t have any savings but dh earns decently. I don’t work but I keep my toddler home from playgroup because “we can’t afford it”.

We keep fighting about this and can’t get on the same page. Please help me get clarity on this. And if I’m right how to I knock sense into his head.

amother

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 8:04 pm

amother Maize wrote:

Quick answer: join him on the trips!

There’s that! You get the same as him.

I wish. We have a house full of kids. Easier said than done.

I tell him to put away the money so when we get older we can afford to travel the world together.

It triggers me that his parents are older and can’t afford to travel (they want to) because they spent all their money as it came in.

amother

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 8:12 pm

amother Cherry wrote:

Does your husband tell you to buy on sale & not send to playgroup? Does he not allow you do buy stuff for yourself, or you decided that on your own?

It’s tricky. He did tell me to keep home. If he would really think he needs to go out he would support. He tells me to buy jewelry but I’m not going to acquire some diamonds I might loose. when there is hardly and savings He doesn’t micromanage my purchases but when confronted about his spending more than me he argues that I am always shopping. He equated the amount I spend for everything everyone need to just his travels.

amother

Mintcream

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 8:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

Then we would be in debt.

No I think he s feel the punch and choose hopefully to forgo some of these luxuries that he can’t afford.
You can also become a little more financially independent. Maybe send out your toddler and take a job. Then you can contribute part to household expenses incurred due to your going o work ( playgroup , clothing for wok, more cleaning help) and have a percentage that you set aside for your extras .

ShishKabob

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 8:15 pm

How about buying yourself jewelry and wigs? I don't think this is a money issue per se, I think it's just a different approach to life. I don't think he is reckless, just likes to live. While you are probably a little of the opposite.

amother

Lightgray

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 8:26 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

I would have a big issue with such one sided spending, regardless of who works

But it’s one sided by choice

OP you are more frugal and would rather save, while your DH would rather spend now on things he enjoys and “live life”

I don’t think either are wrong, but it can be hard for both of you to find a balance where your both happy with each others choices

I’m in a similar situation, but reversed. DH is super frugal and hates spending extra, I like to live lavishly and enjoy spending on things that make me happy. But the only solution we were able to come up with to make us both feel okay with the major imbalance, is that we both bring in our own income. DH saves most of the money he earns, I spend most of mine. When trying to compromise on one salary, it was just too difficult and was always leading to arguments. I don’t love working but I love being able to spend what I like guilt free and also never fighting with DH over money.. so the trade off is worth it to me

amother

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 8:28 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

You are right about being the opposite. We did learn from each other over the years and adapted. I don’t want to look like his family members who have excuses for all their spending and live off tzedaka. Thier wives have the attitude if you can’t beat them join them and it doesn’t help the shalom bayis at all.

I don’t want to have anxiety that I wont be able to afford a root canal chasanas or anything unexpected. We are 30 plus with no savings. How is that ok?

amother

Maize

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 8:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

A wise women once shared that she had this same argument with her husband and then asked him to shop for a season. He considered himself a savvy shopper and took on the challenge with satisfaction.

Long story short, he no longer hocks like the rest of men about prices! He’s on the same page and understands why and how and what.

Idea: compartmentalize the shopping, for example, children’s clothes, grocery…. And then break down how much you actually have for yourself. Alternatively, throw w a tantrum the size of Texas or go I strike and have him take care of the house (do the barest minimum) until he has a rational way of dealing with this.

amother

Lightgray

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 8:42 pm

amother Maize wrote:

You want her to throw a tantrum (we are talking about an adult..) so that her DH can think rationally?

Make it make sense.

amother

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 8:45 pm

amother Maize wrote:

Your onto something . Today when we were arguing he asked me how many ladies do you know who make orders every week Wink

if he would ship He would just go in into a local store the day he needs something and spend double. I could put him in charge of ordering diapers shampoo ect… not a bad idea.

amother

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 8:50 pm

amother Lightgray wrote:

In your situation it makes sense because dh is the one who needs to be responsible for the financial security of the family. I helped him a lot to build up his business. Also I have a side hustle in my house (messy) and all the money I saved from it got eaten up when he “needed” it for upgrades to our house. So there is resentment there.

I am looking to work even though on paper his income should be enough.

amother

Maize

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 8:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

Your onto something . Today when we were arguing he asked me how many ladies do you know who make orders every week Wink

if he would ship He would just go in into a local store the day he needs something and spend double. I could put him in charge of ordering diapers shampoo ect… not a bad idea.

Please do yourself a favor. Sit down and draw up a budget or don’t even. You’ll compare it after the fact. Just let him shop for 2-4 weeks and then review it. Yeh rhetoric and negativity will give way for him to apologize and respect you more.

You’ll thank me later.

Note to wise: introduce this idea explaining him that you want to learn from him and I’ll feel like he knows more than you and you want to follow that example. Not at all like a trap.