S/o What makes someone parentified?

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:53 pm

amother Midnight wrote:

did your parents asked you to step in? or did you do it in your own? what factors were in play that they didn’t participate in these tasks?

My mother worked very very full time and my father can't cook at all. I stepped in on my own to some extent but over time it became assumed that I will take care of it

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:54 pm

flowerpower wrote:

No. You weren’t parentified and you don’t need therapy. Please don’t let the posters take negative space in your brain. You’re fine. You seem ok. You seem stable and happy. All is good. Move on.

She was parentified, but it didn't effect her negatively bh. Parentified means giving over to kids, responsibilities that are supposed to be the parents. A teen being given the responsibility of officially being the home cook, falls under the category of parentifying children.

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:55 pm

flowerpower wrote:

That's what I feel. I've actually gone to therapy for very separate things but this literally never came up... it hasn't really bothered me. But posters here seem to suggest that it should

amother

Midnight

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

My mother worked very very full time and my father can't cook at all. I stepped in on my own to some extent but over time it became assumed that I will take care of it

right but it became you taking care of it, and not parents (ordering takeout, hiring outside help) taking care of it.

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:56 pm

amother Mauve wrote:

If you don’t feel like it negatively impacted you, it could still be parentification, but it just means you were fortunate enough to be able to cope with it.

I was parentified as a teen. Some of it affected me. Some didn’t. When my father was sick, my parents had to travel out of the country every few days for treatment. We couldn’t afford any help. I cooked dinners every night and did the household chores. But I viewed it as stepping up to the plate. I only resented when my father found it inexcusable that my grades dipped as a result and couldn’t understand why.

My mother used to use me as her therapist. That did and still does affect me. I know her “cue the tears” tone and I will immediately hang up on her the second I hear that. I can’t handle any conversation that isn’t light with her as a result

Thank you. This is a helpful post.

amother

Sapphire

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:57 pm

You were parentified. The question is how much it affected you and do you have unresolved issues from it. I thought my experience had no effect on me. Until my life fell apart one day and I realized I was just in denial about how deeply it affected me.

Goody2shoes

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

That's what I feel. I've actually gone to therapy for very separate things but this literally never came up... it hasn't really bothered me. But posters here seem to suggest that it should

No one's telling you how to feel and I'm happy you feel it didn't impact you negatively.
if you see it as a positive and that you leaned life skills, can I ask why you wouldn't ask your daughter to do it too?

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

My mother worked very very full time and my father can't cook at all. I stepped in on my own to some extent but over time it became assumed that I will take care of it

Your mother could've at least stayed up at night with you erev yom tov when you did all cooking.
I understand that it was a difficult situation, with her working long hours. But it was still wrong of your parents to put the cookies responsibility totally on your shoulders.
Bh you're very lucky that it didn't effect you negatively.

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:01 pm

Goody2shoes wrote:

No one's telling you how to feel and I'm happy you feel it didn't impact you negatively.
if you see it a s a positive, can I ask why you wouldn't ask your daughter to do it too?

My kids are still very little, but because I would want to be a more present mother than mine was (she was and is a good mother but was very occupied with making ends meet for our family)

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:01 pm

amother Sapphire wrote:

Same here. It took a while to figure out that my bad anxiety is most likely a direct result of me having way too much responsibility growing up.

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

My kids are still very little, but because I would want to be a more present mother than mine was (she was and is a good mother but was very occupied with making ends meet for our family)

Do you like to cook now that you're married, or are you burnt out?
Who took over the cooking at your parents home when you got married?

amother

Anemone

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:05 pm

amother Vermilion wrote:

Just because she doesn't have negative feelings, it doesn't mean that she wasn't parentified. She was parentified, but it bh didn't effect her negatively.

Right, whether a person was parentified is a separate question from how it impacted them.

Like, if someone says, "My dad drank 8 beers in a row every night after work, but I had a great childhood and it doesn't bother me." OK, I believe that is possible that you were OK. The vast majority of children would probably be negatively impacted by a father drinking that much every night, but I think it is possible if circumstances and temperaments aligned in just the right way, that some might avoid suffering negative impacts. But the dad was still an alcoholic, regardless of how or whether the child was impacted.

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:05 pm

amother Vermilion wrote:

Do you like to cook now that you're married, or are you burnt out?
Who took over the cooking at your parents home when you got married?

I'm definitely more burnt out but that might be a function of having little kids and making supper at the same time, hard to tell.

Most of my siblings moved out around the same time as I did. For a while a few did a supper/ Shabbos rotation. Now I don't think there's supper on weekdays (my father is really the only one home then and fends for himself) and Shabbos my mother sometimes cooks, or they get takeout

amother

Candycane

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

My kids are still very little, but because I would want to be a more present mother than mine was (she was and is a good mother but was very occupied with making ends meet for our family)

I'm not trying to get in your head but you just said you felt that your mom was not a present one. Perhaps you are resentful?

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:07 pm

amother Vermilion wrote:

Same here. It took a while to figure out that my bad anxiety is most likely a direct result of me having way too much responsibility growing up.

I do have anxiety, but it started post partum and never fully went away. Could it still be related?

amother

Sapphire

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

I do have anxiety, but it started post partum and never fully went away. Could it still be related?

Yes anxiety is often the result of having been parentified. You never had the stability of being a child that felt safe. You had burdens that were too big for your shoulders. I'm a lot older and it gets so much worse. I do suggest working through this. Don't be like me and find out when it implodes and affects life.

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:08 pm

amother Candycane wrote:

I'm not trying to get in your head but you just said you felt that your mom was not a present one. Perhaps you are resentful?

I'm not resentful of the cooking piece.

I understand that she didn't have much of a choice about how much she was away. Yes there were times she just wasn't there growing up, she tried her best to make the most of other times but it obviously never fully makes up. I love her very much and we have a good relationship

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

That's what I feel. I've actually gone to therapy for very separate things but this literally never came up... it hasn't really bothered me. But posters here seem to suggest that it should

It's okay that it doesn't bother you! But it doesn't mean that you were not parentified.
It was wrong of your parents to dump the responsibility of cooking, on your shoulders.

amother

Forsythia

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes she worked very full time (much more than that actually) and was out of the house until 9 or 10 most nights, sometimes later

I think this also matters. You were old enough to recognize a real need and you contributed however you were able to. It might’ve been different if your mother was in bed all day, while you took over cooking for the whole family.

My father got sick when I was in HS and there were times when I took over the house responsibilities. But I didn’t feel parentified then or now. Like everything else, I think there are lots of factors of whether or not this ends up being a negative thing.