S/o What makes someone parentified?

amother

Pistachio

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:10 pm

When my friend grew up in a chaotic household and took on the responsibility to create normalcy, she's used to doing everything and now that she has to work full time, she's going crazy because she can't delegate and she's trying to do everything herself.

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

I do have anxiety, but it started post partum and never fully went away. Could it still be related?

Yes. Anxiety as a result of parentification, often comes out when you become a mom yourself.
(Of course there could be other reasons for your anxiety, but being parentified as a child, is a very common cause for anxiety in adults.)

amother

Candycane

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm not resentful of the cooking piece.

I understand that she didn't have much of a choice about how much she was away. Yes there were times she just wasn't there growing up, she tried her best to make the most of other times but it obviously never fully makes up. I love her very much and we have a good relationship

Your good relationship not withstanding, don't you think the fact that you feel that she wasn't there when you were growing up is a negative impact on you?

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:16 pm

amother Forsythia wrote:

I think this also matters. You were old enough to recognize a real need and you contributed however you were able to. It might’ve been different if your mother was in bed all day, while you took over cooking for the whole family.

My father got sick when I was in HS and there were times when I took over the house responsibilities. But I didn’t feel parentified then or now. Like everything else, I think there are lots of factors of whether or not this ends up being a negative thing.

Thank you, I can relate to this.

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:17 pm

amother Vermilion wrote:

Thank you, something to think about.

flowerpower

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:20 pm

amother OP wrote:

That's what I feel. I've actually gone to therapy for very separate things but this literally never came up... it hasn't really bothered me. But posters here seem to suggest that it should

This is why ima can be dangerous. If you were fine you are still fine!!!! Close your ears and don’t read this post anymore please

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:20 pm

amother Candycane wrote:

Your good relationship not withstanding, don't you think the fact that you feel that she wasn't there when you were growing up is a negative impact on you?

It wasn't when I was very little, more from when I was in elementary school. So I guess it didn't affect my early childhood. Obviously if it had zero impact I wouldn't want to do things differently.

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:22 pm

flowerpower wrote:

This is why ima can be dangerous. If you were fine you are still fine!!!! Close your ears and don’t read this post anymore please

She can be fine, yet still had been parentified as a child.
One doesn't negate the other.
(And I think that the fact that she started this thread & asked this question, means that there's something niggling in her mind.)

amother

Candycane

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:25 pm

amother OP wrote:

It wasn't when I was very little, more from when I was in elementary school. So I guess it didn't affect my early childhood. Obviously if it had zero impact I wouldn't want to do things differently.

Exactly. It doesn't happen at any specific age to impact you.

eta14

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

As a teen, I cooked supper for my family every night as well as Shabbos and Yom Tov (I used to stay up the night before Yom Tov to get it all done.) I do not feel resentful, and feel that it taught me skills for life.

Was I parentified?

Where were your parents?

amother

Forsythia

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:30 pm

The thing about being parentified is that it often comes with other dysfunction. If the home is otherwise functional and loving, I think it’s perfectly reasonable that a person could be fine with it.

eta14

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

My mother worked very very full time and my father can't cook at all. I stepped in on my own to some extent but over time it became assumed that I will take care of it

Did your father work? He couldn't help in the kitchen? Chop veggies, crack eggs, mix, etc. I am sorry but just because he is a man doesn't give him a free pass. Insane.

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:32 pm

amother Forsythia wrote:

Yes bh I do think my home was functional and loving (despite the posts worried about my mother)

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:32 pm

amother Forsythia wrote:

Parentifying children, is dysfunctional in itself.

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:33 pm

eta14 wrote:

Did your father work? He couldn't help in the kitchen? Chop veggies, crack eggs, mix, etc. I am sorry but just because he is a man doesn't give him a free pass. Insane.

He did try somewhat before I stepped in. He had a rotation of like two suppers (I don't think I can eat [edited in case my siblings are on here] again for the rest of my life)

amother

Broom

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:33 pm

If you cannot take care of your children (which includes either making shabbos/getting take out or providing them dinner every night) then DO NOT HAVE THEM. It's not a mitzvah to have more children at the cost of your teenage daughters (never son of course) being the parent. It's one thing to help- bake a cake, make dips, put food in the oven, etc. but to make the whole shabbos and dinner every night? Stolen childhood.

amother

Broom

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

He did try somewhat before I stepped in. He had a rotation of like two suppers (I don't think I can eat [edited foods in case of siblings] again for the rest of my life)

So then on a Sunday, your mother should teach him more. I am assuming he can chap a gemara. He can learn how to make some chicken, noodles with sauce and cheese and a salad. Seriously, what your parents did was not okay.

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:35 pm

amother Broom wrote:

Can you edit out the food items from my post you quoted? Thank you

amother

Candycane

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:36 pm

amother Vermilion wrote:

Parentifying children, is dysfunctional in itself.

Agreed. It's considered trauma and depending on how strong the parentification was, emotional abuse.

amother

Dimgray

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:37 pm

amother Candycane wrote:

Your good relationship not withstanding, don't you think the fact that you feel that she wasn't there when you were growing up is a negative impact on you?

And this is exactly what I was warning you of.