S/o What makes someone parentified?

amother

Vermilion

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 12:47 am

flowerpower wrote:

This this this. Many mothers on Ima say that they work full time and are overwhelmed and admit that supper is frozen junk and pasta on a good day. Op says her mom would buy or heat up frozen stuff. She cooked on her own free will. All of you justifying kids being serve easy dinners every night and telling them it’s should see the other side. A busy overwhelmed mom here would serve the same. Her dd willingly comes to the rescue and gets praised and appreciated for it. Sounds like op had a normal childhood and no need for additional unnecessary drama now because some anonymous posters decided so.

All this doesn't negate the fact that OP was parentified as a child. Both are true at the same time. One doesn't negate the other.
The fact that her parents allowed her to & assumed that she'll do all the cooking in the house, allowed her to be up all night cooking, means that she was parentified by her parents. It was wrong on their part, even if they praised her for it.
Just because they praised her, doesn't mean that she wasn't parentified.
(OP said that after the kids got married, they did a rotation to cook for their parents. Please don't say that it's a normal thing for healthy parents to rely on their children like this.)

amother

Whitesmoke

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 1:03 am

I didn't read through every post so forgive me if this has been brought up.

My biggest question is, why did you do the cooking? Was it because you felt responsibility and pressure to fill in for what your mother wasn't doing, even though no one asked you to? Because you would have felt guilty or wrong if skipped cooking a yom tov?

If yes, I would call that parentification.

I wouldn't call it parentification if you did it because you enjoyed it or found it fulfilling.

My other question is, why are you asking? Is it because you are trying to figure out if it was traumatizing?

If yes, just know - whether or not there is a label for your experience has nothing to do with whether you are traumatized. Trauma isn't what happened, it's how you're body and nervous system responds to what happened.

It's likely trauma if you struggle with feeling you need to take care of everyone's needs while having a hard time being in touch and caring for yourself, or feeling like your value comes only from doing doing doing, or anxiety, or burnout.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 2:01 am

OP
Forget the "parentified" thing.
It sounds like you were asked to do more chores than your peers or societal norms but you didnt feel resentful at the time. In fact it could be argued that it made you a more self-confident, responsible, and capable person. But that comes at a cost - did you feel taken advantaged of?

Additionally, the underlying reason for the help is a factor.
Mishpacha Family First has a series now where the mother is sooo busy with her "chessed" project that her daughters are called upon to take care of the home, supper, babysit etc, and the mother even volunteers their help without asking them and tells them to babysit for her friends children!! I wonder if a mother is even allowed to do such chessed while the burden falls on her children for chores the mother should be doing but is absent.
Such a chessed project is ok if your home is taken care of but to constantly burden her kids and even ask them to give up normal social activities because the mother is busy helping yennim (others) is debatable. Asking your dh to skip shule is one thing, he is an adult and understands the ramifications and chooses. The parent child relationship doesnt allow for the child to choose. They are dependent on parents and may not even realize what the parent is doing..

I understand if a parent is sick the children naturally have more chores. But it should be shared equally.

Your explanations that your mother worked late and fathers passive aggressive approach to housekeeping is what bothers me the most.
It bothers me that your parents didnt share the chores equally among you and your sibs. Your father should have increased his two supper repertoire, and protect you more.

Do you feel resentful to your sibs for not helping out more?
Do you feel resentful to your parents?

That, to me, would be understandable.

amother

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 7:54 am

amother Lightblue wrote:

Op, total side note but you might appreciate this
If you edit out your requests for certain posts to be edited I would have no idea that things mentioned were mentioned in your edited post, I think that poster was just saying common things that came to mind.
Your posts are what tell me that some of those are the intended items, so if you delete those posts no one would know
I hope you're following what I'm referring to. Being vague so this post shouldn't continue said issue Wink

Thanks I think everything got deleted that needed to so no worries (it might be unclear to those reading the thread after it got removed)

I appreciate it though!

ShishKabob

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 10:26 am

Did the op have to shop for all of the food? Did she have to clean it all up? Did she have to decide on a menu?

I'm not sure that the op had all of the responsibilities of running the household. This was just one cog in the wheel of the chores in a household.

And how can jobs be evenly distributed among the family members? Aren't there age differences? A young child can't help 'evenly' like an older child.

How about the op's mother knew she liked to cook and therefore she took upon the responsibility upon herself?

How about chores should be given according to the childs likes and dislikes?

Maybe op's mother was really a very in tuned mother that knew the ins and outs of all of her children and deligated accordingly?

amother

Azure

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 11:37 am

There's some interesting evidence that we experience trauma not straightforwardly as a result of our experiences, but rather based on how we understand our experiences. This does mean that we can, years later, create trauma by obsessing over previous issues that we never otherwise would have struggled with. So, if something was maybe not ideal but it didn't hurt you, don't go back and dig.

I think parentification is also extremely culturally dependent. In plenty of cultures in the past, children were expected to pick up domestic duties to a much greater extent than today, and it does not seem like it was traumatic (I read some very interesting anthropology work about children in rural Peru being responsible for spinning wool into yarn, even very young, and they played as they spun and often turned the spinning itself into a game). But in our cultural context, some of these things could cause trouble, because they would be isolating or conflict with modern responsibilities.

amother

Floralwhite

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 1:01 pm

I dont know, if you volunteered and it didn't (and still doesn't) bother you, then maybe not. AND most importantly, if it doesn't bother u, why go down this rabbit hole?

It's interesting bc I didn't ever hear this term, except here on Imamother this past wk. And it describes my childhood.

I was the oldest, and my mom definitely placed me as covalent. (My father was hardly ever around, worked a lot, and very checked out when he was home). I had a lot of responsibilities, my siblings had virtually none!
Examples are:
Doing the whole families laundry starting from age 8. Did NOT have a choice, and was reprimanded when my sisters uniforms were not clean for school. And, altho had no clue what the big deal was, needed to make sure my moms black underwear was available at some times, others her white. Had NO IFEA why so specific, and she wouldn't say... I mean, obviously, but it is just weird to put that on an 8yo.
(And laundry now is by far my least favorite chore)

Made lunches for myself and siblings starting from about 8yo, made sure we all got out the door in time for bus/carpool.
Helped younger siblings get dressed for school.

Cleaned all the bathrooms. (Bc she didn't want to. )

(My mom was a Stay at home mom. Literally no reason not to btw)

I de-escalated fights between my parents, and tried to shield my younger siblings from witnessing them.

I played marriage therapist (from about 7yo) to both my parents, separately and rhey had no idea the other was doing it too.

Babysat my sisters starting at 8/9.

I was asked for advice on handling punishments, emotional or other issues with My siblings. My father had no say. (My mom would flat out tell my father he had no say, and would ask my advice in front of him.)

My siblings came to me over my parents for help and advice at times.

Ironically, I was not allowed to do the cooking... LOL

amother

Seablue

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 1:07 pm

amother Floralwhite wrote:

Wow. That is very young to have so many responsibilities! I hope you went for help to heal the little girl inside you. There’s a book I read that I think you would relate, it’s called The Body Keeps The Score. Check it out it’s worth a read.

amother

Sapphire

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 1:22 pm

amother Floralwhite wrote:

Wow that’s terrible. So much straight up abuse mixed in as well. I hope you had time to heal.

ShishKabob

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 5:27 pm

amother Azure wrote:

This, a voice of reason. Thank you
Although, my dd's responsibility is to set the table for shabbos, that's it, nothing else, nada, and you should hear her going on and on and on how difficult it is. We are not talking fancy tablescapes here. Basic cutlery, napkins, cups and an accessory like a flower or something. She is 13. Am I parentifying her?

amother

Seablue

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 5:39 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

There’s a difference between having chores to teach kids responsibility vs putting the pressure of the household on them. A 7 year old should NOT be doing laundry or taking care of her siblings on a daily basis.

amother

Sapphire

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 5:59 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

This is a silly argument and has nothing to do with the discussion. What point are you making? Everyone explained the different ways of measuring it.

amother

Floralwhite

Sat, Mar 16 2024, 9:08 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

Thank you 😊 I definitely went to therapy. Might need to go back after writing this so black and white 😳

ra_mom

Sat, Mar 16 2024, 9:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

As a teen, I cooked supper for my family every night as well as Shabbos and Yom Tov (I used to stay up the night before Yom Tov to get it all done.) I do not feel resentful, and feel that it taught me skills for life.

Was I parentified?

I read a line in a magazine this shabbos that made parentifying very clear.

"For a young child, being in a position where he or she is the one giving the home a semblance or order and stability has long-term damaging effects."

amother

Bluebell

Sat, Mar 16 2024, 9:53 pm

I’m the oldest of 12 siblings . Thank G-d we had cleaning lady at home so at that I didn’t have to work . But at the age of 14/15 I had to come from school bath 3 of my sister , give them supper and put them to sleep . If I didn’t do it I had both parents scream at me that I wasn’t helping enough. Shabat I couldn’t go to my friends house because my father wanted me to help my mom with the kids . ( she was always overwhelmed, so that was his way of solving the problem. )
Yep so I think I was parentified .
Lot of therapy and I still don’t feel that I healed fully from it

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sat, Mar 16 2024, 11:26 pm

amother Bluebell wrote:

Yes, you were parentified. I am so sorry. May Hashem give you nachas and happiness as a reward for what was taken from you.