Hs issue 15 year old son!

amother

Mon, Mar 18 2024, 1:05 pm

I BH , have an amazing 15 year old boy . He is well behaved ( mostly ) and liked by his friends . He is bright, kind & honest. Perhaps has some adhd, but wasn’t officially diagnosed .
So what’s the problem ? He breezed through elementary & middle school, didn’t put in a drop of work and was a straight A student .
Teachers & Rebbeim loved him
He got accepted into a top yeshiva , don’t want to say which one but the type that has very strong learning & top academics . Like really top. He has friends , likes most of his Rebbeim but is completely unmotivated to do any work. It’s like he decided, because the hours are long , he is already doing them a favor by just sitting in school . He is being a mencth, but isn’t putting any effort at all . Tells me I overestimated his abilities & refuses to work. Refuses to work w/ school on any compromises the make with him. What do I do w/ child like this ? He is still 15, so there might be an adhd component we have to look into, or he just might be lacking mature and an inner drive to understand that he needs to accomplish.
What the heck do I do as a parent ? Punish ? Bribe ?
According to RY, we might have to ride it out , he isn’t too worried about him long term, but he isn’t sure what to do w/ him now .
We are plenty worried , he is saying if he is this unhappy by the time 10tj grade is over , he will drop out
So how normal or not is this ?
Can it really take till 11th grade to adjust to a school ?
Help a nervous mother please

amother

Mon, Mar 18 2024, 1:44 pm

amother Firethorn wrote:

Would he like to be in a school with less academic pressure?

If so, what's stopping you from pursuing that option?

That’s the thing , in less academic school we will be just paying tuition for him to sleep for 4 years . He is that bright , he will actual just not do anything and get good grades . To us that’s not learning & that’s not education .

amother

Mon, Mar 18 2024, 1:46 pm

mha3484 wrote:

Could he be depressed or burned out from elementary school?

From elementary? No he didn’t do anything there .
High school ?
Well yeah he might be burned out from long days but not from workload . I haven’t seen him put in a stitch of work .

scruffy

Mon, Mar 18 2024, 2:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

From elementary? No he didn’t do anything there .
High school ?
Well yeah he might be burned out from long days but not from workload . I haven’t seen him put in a stitch of work .

It sounds like he might not have the skills to work if he's never had to. Can you or DH work with him, or possibly a coach, to help him organize, learn how to do assignments, study etc?

I didn't have to put in work until I was in a professional program after my Bachelor's and realized I was in trouble. Looking back I had ADHD (inattentive) and executive function issues from when I was a kid, but was bright enough to breeze through without effort. It is really difficult once you do have to start working.

amother

Mon, Mar 18 2024, 2:14 pm

scruffy wrote:

This is exactly what the problem is . I am just overwhelmed & he won’t listen to us

amother

Mon, Mar 18 2024, 2:17 pm

bruriyah wrote:

How many hours per day is he sitting in Yeshiva? If it’s 10 or more per day, it’s unrealistic to expect him to do work when he gets home.

If he’s not putting any work in when he’s *in* Yeshiva, that’s a different story.

Yes very days . There is also a commute . So early nights he is out from 6:50-7:30, late nights 6:50-9:15.
Yes I know long . But there are boys who still manage work Sundays, Motzei Shabbos etc
The real problem is not HW, but the fact that he is doing barely bare minimum in school . Below what the require in an classroom