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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 10:36 pm

I’m at a loss. I have beautiful and wonderful children. Bh many of them who are all relatively close in age.
Recently there has been so much fighting and hurting physically, and mean words amongst the siblings. They are still so young. None are real teenagers yet. They really do love each other I can’t stand that they fight and hurt.

I am not strict mother. I definitely have ruled , but I am a softer kind of personality. I need a system… all positive reinforcement. How can I help them. They feed off of each other.

Helllp!

amother

Electricblue

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 10:46 pm

Is there one or two kids who is the main instigator?

amother

Ivory

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 11:03 pm

It's the end of a long winter being cooped up, it's bound to happen. They need to be outside in the fresh air.

amother

Mon, Mar 18 2024, 10:33 pm

amother Electricblue wrote:

Is there one or two kids who is the main instigator?

No, not really at this point maybe a while ago I would say that maybe there was an instigator but now everyone got so used to hurting and being mean that they are all to blame.

amother

Mon, Mar 18 2024, 10:36 pm

amother Ivory wrote:

It's the end of a long winter being cooped up, it's bound to happen. They need to be outside in the fresh air.

I read this and so hoped it was true but I really feel like it’s not the case. of course being outside is helpful but if they’re not outside tjen they’re inside hurting and just being plain old mean.
of course there’s also times when they’re loving and having a great time together. But it’s just so mean at this point it’s simply not OK that they’re hurting. I want to help them.

Can someone please please help me come up with some kind of a visual system, where they can get the positive reinforcement to not hurt her not being mean

oneofakind

Mon, Mar 18 2024, 10:37 pm

Catch them being nice to each other, write it down, put it into a decorative box and read at the Shabbos table or supper table.

amother

Bone

Mon, Mar 18 2024, 10:38 pm

I’m in the same boat and I’m so at a loss it’s mostly DDs 12 and 10 with dd 10 being the instigator.
Also sometimes ds 6 and dd10 again with dd10 being instagrator.

Not trying to hijack but I’m at my wits end

amother

Buttercup

Mon, Mar 18 2024, 11:15 pm

I have this with my sons and it drives me crazy.

I'm struggling with this, but one thing definitely helps - when a child feels good about themselves, they're less likely to hurt others. So invest in things that will help them feel good about themselves individually: positive nurturing words, one on one quality time with you/your husband, job/responsibilities that make them feel mature.

Also, make sure you and your husband are modelling healthy interaction. Respectful speech, calm words.

amother

Lotus

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 1:13 am

I’m struggling with this too.
I listened to Dr Becky on siblings and I hope that will be helpful.

salt

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 3:24 am

Read "Siblings Without Rivalry" and "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" - don't remember the author.

amother

Sunflower

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 3:36 am

I doing a parenting DBT style class I petach Tikhvah if ur in thr tri state area. You need to get involved. Separate them validated, redirect, rephrase. You mean to say you would love a turn. With ——- it looks so exciting so u really want to try it this minute? It’s hard to wait/ get up in a good mood…… share

amother

Oak

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 4:21 am

I would have an official family meeting. maybe on taanis Esther (turn it into this is a special day) and say we need to make some changes around here

Make them all into kindness catcher's.
they look out for siblings being kind and write a note and put it in box (anonymously) take turns or time to read notes....praise kid who was kind.
at dinner table everyone says one thing they love about the person on their right(can do this Fri nite or rosh chodesh or whenever)
I like family dinner table structure a little bit....so every cple nites everyone says something that happened today that made them smile, or made them proud of themselves...or something about another kid in the family they love etc...
don't do every nite or it gets boring and old quickly.
can also do a word of the week (kids take turns picking a new word for everyone to learn and try use that wk)
write word and stick up with meaning for all to see...
try promote we are a family we all work, play, laugh together.
when rudeness occurs I wld crack down hard and fast and send kid out the room.. speak to him after quietly.

hope some of the ideas here help

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