Dd wants ds to be punished

amother

Stoneblue

Thu, Mar 21 2024, 12:23 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I'm not understanding what happened here. DD angered her brother. DS retaliated. Did you say something to your DD about her behavior, too? Or is she the one in control here?

I'm trying to understand as well....

amother

Amaranthus

Thu, Mar 21 2024, 12:25 pm

amother Lemonlime wrote:

You are missing the point.
The point is that OP's daughter doesn't like when others enter her room, and her mom isn't understanding or validating of her feelings. She feels like her mother doesn't care about her.

I really don’t understand it. It’s making a big deal about something that can happen in every house. Usually, the teen tells off the brother. The brother runs away or maybe they have a screaming match and that’s that. I don’t think a healthy teen needs their mother to sit and coddle and validate her because a brother invaded her sacred room. Maybe teens have really declined in maturity if this is the norm.

amother

Hyssop

Thu, Mar 21 2024, 12:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thanks all.

Ds was sleeping when dd went to her room and saw.
I woke him up to yell at him, which I think is punishment.
But yeah, I see it may not be.

Dd wants a major lock on her door. I don't want that because I'm worried about fire safety. Her room is already not on the same floor as the rest of the family, to give her space and privacy, which already worries me in case of an emergency chas veshalom.

Dd absolutely wants whatever ds has to lose, to go to her. Not just a lost privilege. She feels he needs to repay her.

You woke him up to yell at him???

That's absolutely crazy.

OP, you're letting your daughter rule the house. You're in charge, not her. I can't believe you woke up a 9 year old for this.

amother

Hyssop

Thu, Mar 21 2024, 12:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

She screamed at me for about an hour.
It is THAT distressing.

I told her she can scream and cry and I still won't punish him for what he did. In the future he will have to pay her (that's what she considers an ok punishment. Or that she can choose the best three things from the MM he'll get )

She screamed and cried and disrupted older ds's time with me. (late from yeshiva) I was very calm considering her behavior for a very long time.
I know your angry. I'm not going to wake him up and give him a punishment. Next time he will get one. Etc. Etc

I finally yelled t her to go to her room and go to sleep and that she dare not come down again. Bh she didn't

I'm so confused.

Here you say you told her you won't wake him up, but in the post I just quoted above then you said you did go wake him up and yell at him??

The fact that you said you won't and then you went and did it just because of the pressure from her makes it even worse.

amother

Cognac

Thu, Mar 21 2024, 12:31 pm

oh my on the follow up.

You woke him up to yell at him???? who does that? poor kid. this was not an emergency. wait for morning.

Your daughter is still demanding repercussions? You are the mother. Tell her no. Offer her the amazon lock. It can be broken very easily. it's just a stick-on lock. or a handle lock that can be opened with coin from the outside. or if you are really serious about this whole thing, hire a locksmith to put a combination lock for a few hundred dollars.

Somehow this thread reminds me of the thread a while back with the teen girl who refused to move out of her bedroom for guests and the whole family was inconvenienced because of it. Very similar dynamic.

amother

Clematis

Thu, Mar 21 2024, 12:31 pm

Really sounds like DD has too much control to be honest. You have given her a room in the home that's separate from everyone else's. That's a huge accommodation.

It's normal for siblings to do these things to one another.

You should absolutely tell DS that going to her room without permission is not okay, and that if he continues to violate her space, there will be consequences. Those consequences shouldn't be coming from your DD.

It sounds like your DD needs some emotional regulation help and needs to learn what it means to live among other people. Not everything is going to be perfect and go her way.

Please take control over your role as a mother. I'm getting the impression that your daughter is the queen of the castle and that you are rather permissive in parenting style.

amother

Brass

Thu, Mar 21 2024, 1:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

Just noticed the bolded. OP, please, please don't do this.

It is really a bad idea.

amother

Hyssop

Thu, Mar 21 2024, 1:33 pm

amother Brass wrote:

Just noticed the bolded. OP, please, please don't do this.

It is really a bad idea.

Agree, it's really not fair to allow her take his mishloach manos, that's like revenge rather than a punishment. And really not nice.

And why does she have to agree whether it's a fitting punishment or not???