Shana Rishona - living separately / 2 cities

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Forum -> Judaism -> Halachic Questions and Discussions

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funkyfrummom

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:11 pm

Asking for a friend who has asked me for advice... Does anyone know whether a couple who wants to marry (second marriage for both... both middle aged) can receive a heter to marry if they are not be able to combine households for some period of time after their marriage (possibly 4-6 months?) because of logistics (housing, different countries, careers, and young adult children)?

The idea being that as previously married people it might be preferable to having a long/extended engagement. They are both shomer negiah. I don't want to share the community, but typically engagements are 3 months. Essentially they are considering keeping both their homes for the first few months, and would visit each other for extended periods, kind of alternating. Neither is thrilled with the idea, but are considering this option. (Friend asked me if I would do it if I were in her situation b/c I am also divorced.)

I heard of one situation like this (second marriage, but she couldn't move to east coast for almost a year due to her job). Unfortunately, though, they divorced. I don't know if it was related to the living situation or other things.

Has anyone seen this done?
Can anyone suggest a rav who would be good for her to speak to/has experience in this area?

Thank you

tichellady

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:12 pm

I don’t understand why they need to ask for a heter- why is this a halachic issue?

Cheiny

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:13 pm

funkyfrummom wrote:

Sounds like a really bad idea. It would essentially have the feel of them both still being single. Either they should do whatever is necessary to start living together, or wait to get married until they can. If the relationship is strong, it’ll withstand the longer engagement.

gr82no

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:15 pm

Ik someone that did it. They lived separately for a while him coming to her I think every shabbos.
After about a year he moved to her house. Still together bh.

funkyfrummom

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:28 pm

tichellady wrote:

I don’t understand why they need to ask for a heter- why is this a halachic issue?

I think there is a halacha that the husband can't sleep in a different city than his wife for the first year. Maybe someone can correct me if that is not right. (I always thought it was actual halacha, not minhag.)

The Happy Wife

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:52 pm

My husband had to travel for work during shana rishona. We asked our rav if it was an issue. He said it was fine, and if I remember correctly, that it was not halacha. Granted, this was a long time ago so my memory on whether this is halacha or not may not be accurate.

kiwi strawberry

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 4:36 pm

Why wouldn't they have a longer engagement instead? Yes that might not be typical in their circles but this is even less typical so I don't see how that argument makes sense. And another reason why the fact that their community has 3 month engagements is not at all a good reason to do this is they have to do what works for them and what's right for them regardless of what's typical of their community. 🤷‍♀️

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 4:43 pm

funkyfrummom wrote:

My husband did
Where is this written?

mommymama

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 4:46 pm

My understanding (could be wrong) is that he needs permission from the wife during shana rishona to sleep away

rmbg

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 4:56 pm

A) there is no such Halacha
B) it is actually a good idea, like you said, preferable to a long engagement

kiwi strawberry

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 5:20 pm

rmbg wrote:

A) there is no such Halacha
B) it is actually a good idea, like you said, preferable to a long engagement

A marriage where they're basically living apart is preferable to a long engagement? Why?

rmbg

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 5:30 pm

kiwi strawberry wrote:

A marriage where they're basically living apart is preferable to a long engagement? Why?

Because the engagement relationship is a very challenging time. You’re in “no man’s land” and it’s not good to have an extended engagement

funkyfrummom

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 7:16 pm

rmbg wrote:

Because the engagement relationship is a very challenging time. You’re in “no man’s land” and it’s not good to have an extended engagement

My understanding is this is what they are wanting to avoid.

rmbg

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 7:53 pm

funkyfrummom wrote:

My understanding is this is what they are wanting to avoid.

So living apart is a good solution. I know a number of couples who have needed to do it for various reasons. Of course it is no one’s ideal but it’s doable. And preferable in many cases.

moto

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 7:56 pm

I know someone who did this until kids were about to get along with each other's family

essie14

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 10:32 pm

I know more than one couple who couldn't move in together for various reasons and did this.
They're totally fine. It's pretty acceptable when there are children involved / complications of 2nd marriage.

I can't fathom why someone would think they would need a heter to get married.
Who cares what their community does? They arent 19. If this works for them, go for it!

There's no halacha that you can't be separated during shana rishona. DH and I each had to travel separately during our first year of marriage.

groisamomma

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 10:49 pm

Someone in my neighborhood did this. He came for almost every Shabbos until he moved here about a year later, once things were sorted out with the last of his single children and his job.

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