Allowing your husband time to go learn..

octopus

Sat, Aug 23 2008, 6:53 pm

creativemommyto3 wrote:

Another question here... how do I make my husband feel like he is still a wonderful baal yirai shamayim eventhough he is not in full time kollel?

being in kollel does not = yiras shamayim. Having yiras shamayim= being a ball yirai shamayim. If your rav advised your husband not to be in kollel, then that is what your husband is supposed to be doing. If your husband is setting aside time to learn and in his occupation he acts in accordance to all the halachos, then he is doing a beautiful job!

No one was poorer than hillel. Yet he found time to learn torah. At the same time, hillel worked part of the day. Did that make him less of a talmid chachom??? He had a family to support. You want to be mechazek your husband? Tell him that he is like hillel.

It's time to stop being so hard on yourself, creativemommyto3. If people are looking down on you, then maybe those people aren't so holy like you think.

amother

Sat, Aug 23 2008, 7:10 pm

Creative, I agree with Happy...I think you have a very idealized picture of kollel life and you shouldn't measure yourself by others' yardsticks. I feel you, like I, don't have much family help and I think that makes all the difference between those who can cope more easily with kollel life and those who find it tough. Some men feel insecure about not being able to provide for their wives and have trouble dealing with the financial strain...we aren't all tzaddikim...and keep in mind Rashi and the Rambam also had professions.

I am posting anonymously, because I will confess that while my dh was in collel, he was very unkind to me. I think it was teh financial strain. Since he has left and has started working, his attitude and behavior towards me have improved. He told me that many men in collel had shalom bayis problems because of the financial situation and they couldn't concentrate when they couldn't pay the bills. Some men just need to work, and that doesn't make them have any less yirat Shamaim...it is not a kiddush hashem for a man to take on more than he can handle with collel and then take it out on his wife (I am pro-collel BTW, but I believe not everyone can cope with it. It is a hard life)

We do what we can.

Twizzlers

Sat, Aug 23 2008, 7:10 pm

creativemommyto3 wrote:

Another question here... how do I make my husband feel like he is still a wonderful baal yirai shamayim eventhough he is not in full time kollel?

being a ba'al yiras shamayim has nothing to do with being in kollel. having yiras shamayim means conducting your life with a fear of Hashem, whether it be in yeshiva learning all day, or out in the work world. I actually think that kollel people have it kind of easier in this respect. they are sitting all day with a gemara in a bais medrash surrounded with hundreds of others doing the same thing....how far off can they go already? someone who is out in the work world has to try alot harder to keep this yirah at the forefront of his mind at all times and IMO would get more schar for having a harder time of it.

creativemommyto3

Sat, Aug 23 2008, 9:56 pm

You guys make me feel really good! Very Happy

plus have great advice..

I am not totally sure where I got this from but it would seem that some ppl think that men who work are not as frum as those who don't.

Twizzlers, I agree with you that it is easier to the kollel man to have yirai shamayim b/c he is in front of gemara all day.

Sometimes I wonder if they appreciate the fact that they have the privelege b/c they do it all day. That's not a bashing , just a curiousity.

Crayon210

Sat, Aug 23 2008, 10:03 pm

Creativemommy, I really wonder if you're in the right community. It's not healthy to feel this inferior, and like a second-class citizen in the place you're supposed to feel comfortable (among neighbors and friends in the community).

Have you thought about this? Sorry, but kollel families should not be idolized as the elite of the community, with everyone else existing to serve them. Puke

creativemommyto3

Sat, Aug 23 2008, 10:06 pm

Crayon210 wrote:

It's not my community that did this.... it's ppl that I have met all around and hate to say it but on this site too.

Crayon210

Sat, Aug 23 2008, 10:08 pm

But why are you a part of this mentality? You would be better off associating with people who accept you for who you and your family are, and don't think or make you think that you're inferior to them.

creativemommyto3

Sat, Aug 23 2008, 10:15 pm

Crayon210 wrote:

I agree... that's why I like to speak to my Rebbetzin for chizzuk..

amother

Sat, Aug 23 2008, 10:20 pm

creativemommyto3 wrote:

How do you work on yourself or manage to deal without your husband's help when he goes out to learn being that you work full time?

Would anybody be intresting a forum for those who have husbands that learn at least on seder in kollel a day ?

So back to the topic, regardless if you work or you're a sahm, it is a great sacrifice to let your husband go out and learn. Sometimes I feel like I really need to rest and would love to just have dh watch the kids instead of going to learn after spending a full day at work. If I ever do such a thing, my guilt would gnaw at me and I would have no rest knowing that I am causing Bitul Torah. What really annoys me is when I see dh wasting time on things that I deem unimportant.

I have a very hard time watching him waste his time with nonsense. But then again, I'm not his policelady and have no intention of being.

mummiedearest

Mon, Aug 25 2008, 4:01 pm

my dh has a lunchtime chavrusa every day. he also has night shiur twice a week. he also tries to learn on the train when he has a head for it.

how do I deal? well, lunchtime chavrusa=extended lunch=later work hours
shiur twice a week=an additional two hours plus commute.

when he doesn't have shiur, the earliest he comes home is 8:30. when he does, he comes home at (earliest) 10:45.

sometimes I get upset at him. I'm home all day with two under two. they are a serious handful, especially considering that my 9 mo old has been refusing to nap. so I decided I'd get a cleaning lady this week. but I don't know where to get one who speaks english, so I think I'll end up without one.

sometimes I really enjoy the late hours to myself. if my baby is willing to sleep early, I can clean, make a decent meal, feel like human beings live in our house instead of wild animals. it all depends on how the kids have been that day.
but if I'm ever sick, I think three times before asking dh to stay home from shiur. I know it's important, and it's a small shiur, so if two people don't show up it gets canceled for the day. I don't want to be responsible for others not being able to learn. it's only a couple of hours, I can survive until he gets home.

imaimawannabe

Tue, Sep 02 2008, 12:05 pm

EVERY single Jewish wife or mom is sacrificing and working hard in order to do their jobs properly.
It doesnt matter if ur husband is learning all day and night, if u work full time or part time- or even if u dont "work" at all- I know from experience and observing pple that e/o dedicated to living a Torah life makes plenty of sacrifices and works VERY hard.

I was single for a long time after all my friends were married and I used to go help out my friends whose husbands were not around to- I know its tough- I hope pple are not too shy to ask around for help (even free help!)