Could have gone on a Pesach Program

amother

Rose

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 5:24 am

water883 wrote:

There's a difference between can you help me peel some potatoes and please plan, shop, cook and serve the meal... theoretically of course 😅

Exactly! I go to my in laws house and my mother in law has snacks and games to entertain the kids and all the ingredients for potato kugel and deli roll on the counter and she asks me to please make it while she plays with the grandchildren and I'm happy to!
If she would ask me to plan a menu and shop in a strange city for me that would be waaaay too much- and I'm pretty capable!

amother

Holly

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 6:11 am

This thread is such an example of why moshiach isn't here and where the community has gone wrong.
Seder night and Pesach is all about celebrating our religious freedom to worship Hashem. Freedom to, not freedom from. Peeling potatoes, working HARD to get yomtov ready with our families, spending the seder with them even though it isn't 100% how we would want to do it if we had all the choices.

I'm saddened by the representation of what modern American Judaism looks like. Bh I live somewhere which hasn't reached those levels of self indulgence

amother

Moonstone

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 9:07 am

amother Dill wrote:

Just saying my very functional mom who really tries to accommodate her guest and give them all nicely set up rooms etc. 100% expects her married children to help out with the cooking, serving and cleaning on yom tov! ( even with a cleaner there sometimes).

And even expects some children or grandchildren to spare some time before yom tov to help her as well!

She is human and the workload is enormous!!

And we gladly help her out!

This is not similiar to what OP is describing.

amother

Leaf

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 9:37 am

amother Holly wrote:

No this is not why moshiach is not here. Because people go to pesach hotels? That why he’s not here?

We don’t know why, but we were told it’s about Ahavas chinam, not pesach hotels.

chestnut

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 9:39 am

amother OP wrote:

It’s the OP again and I’m definitely going to take the mussar and work on myself and my entitlement. We can’t just split yuntif, it’s too impractical with flight costs to only come for half.

There was a comment about how I would feel if my son didn’t come to me for yuntif and if it was because he was going on a vacation I couldn’t give him, I truly believe I would be happy for him. I would feel guilty if they were squished at me and if they were by me I would do everything to make their experience comfortable like hiring a cleaner to make the beds and make bathroom clean.. I wouldn’t have them arrive to unmade beds and hand them a broom to start sweeping. I would cook plenty of dishes to make them feel treated and welcome. Hachnosis orchim I guess comes easier to me.
But apparently it’s normal to expect guests to work and clean so I guess when we get there I will make our beds and sweep and such. It’s just definitely culturally different than what I’m used to and how we treat guests. Which I guess is because I am a “spoiled brat” as some have pointed out.
But additionally for the people who said I should host pesach, the only reason why I am complaining is because we have a wonderful option to relax and renew and instead we were kinda forced into this. If I didn’t have any other options, I would be grateful to join this. It is more the disparity between the two and the lack of empathy and understanding about what we are giving up to be with them. Not once has my in laws said thank you to choose to spend yuntif with us, knowing the sacrifice we had to make.

Additionally for the people so convinced this is a troll post, I am deeply offended. Just because someone’s problems are different than your own doesn’t mean they aren’t valid to them. Now we are all hiding beneath a computer screen and with anonymity comes more rawness. But I do wish that for future posts, try not to ask if this is a troll post. It completely invalidates the other person and is unnecessary. If you want to add mussar, that is helpful.

A few people, including myself, asked what exactly are you expected to do, and you still didn't clarify. I see posters going wild with ideas but didn't actually see anything from you.
When are you arriving at your in-laws?
How long are you married for? This is your first pesach at the in-laws, correct?
Do you go to them for succos? Shabbosim during the year? What do you help them with then?
So did you choose to spend pesach with them or they put their foot down and insisted? The two are different.

amother

Pewter

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 9:56 am

Was debating wether to write something- I’m usually not good at putting my thoughts down in writing so here goes-
Speaking as someone who was on every side if this conversation ( going to parents, inlaws, kids, hotel, or them coming to us)
We always helped with whatever is needed.
And when they come to us it depends on how many come and what everyone is capable of. We are all working and have many obligations.
If we go to parents or to children. Notice I say go to. We are not guests at a hotel. We GO TO FAMILY to BE with them and spend time with during yom tov. And sometimes that means rolling up your sleeves and helping.
Some families need more help, some less.
I have family on 3 continents, different homes( chassidish, litvish, israeli,American and sfardim) and none of them have this idea that you are a “guest” at family.
My sister and sils and the men all help with whatever is needed. We help our kids build their succah just like they helped us when we needed it. Everyone has helped with kashering cooking and prep for cooking, turning kitchen over and packing everything back up and putting away after yamim tovim and occupying children ( usually me because I prefer that to cooking) have put linen on , washed dishes or anything needed at inlaws, parents and kids homes as they would for us. (I even hemmed up robes for nieces once last minute) there’s a special feeling, memories are talked about, there’s a carmaderie, it’s family.
I don’t think op is spoiled or entitled. I think she is having a hard tome shifting from having a beautiful, restful vacation at a hotel versus going to family where everyone chips in to help bring in the yom tov.
Op - bezh next year you will go again with your parents to a hotel.

lakewood mom

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 10:06 am

chestnut wrote:

Right- she never explained what it meant that they put their foot down…

She did say that she needs to make her own bed when she gets there- that the linen wasn’t even put on the beds…
I see it as follows: 1. She and her husband are forgoing a very pleasant and luxurious YT which they BOTH enjoy with her family in exchange for being squashed in a small area in which she is needed to help out more than the norm. (Only example given was having to put the linen on her bed). She also mentioned that her MIL doesn’t have meals prepared- but didn’t elaborate. Does that mean that she has to make her own breakfast as opposed to going to a hotel where you choose from the different egg stations and KFP waffles? My mother is a great hostess, but we still feed ourselves breakfast. Again, a lot more context is needed to fully understand WHAT it is that she needs to do when she’s there.
2. She’s upset that she’s not getting the luxurious experience in going to a hotel- where she doesn’t have to help out at all and is able to spend time with her family. Not only isn’t she going, but she’s not having the greatest accommodations here. This is different than number 1, because this is just being upset that she can’t go to a hotel which they would prefer. Many people marry into different families than they come from. Some live a fancier lifestyle- which can also be an adjustment- and some live a more low key one. This is part of marriage- figuring out and navigating the different styles of your respective families.
There are many parents that are thrilled that their children married into luxury and happily “fargin” them to spend the YT with their in-laws in hotels. At the same time- and they’re not wrong- parents understand that their children may be forgoing luxury, but would like to spend YT with their children and grandchildren as well.

amother

Pink

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 10:08 am

amother Forestgreen wrote:

Making Pesach in my tiny apartment just for my family is way way easier than being a guest at my parents and slaving for `15+ people!!

Nothing like being your own boss.

First of, according to Op's OP it's likely to assume that she will not be slaving at her in-laws... Unless occasionally peeling potatoes is considered slavery...

She admitted that her SIL's help out allot. They will surely do most of cooking and whatever else needed. So no worries there...

lakewood mom

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 10:10 am

amother Pewter wrote:

Very well said!!!

Tiredwithjust2

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 10:25 am

I don’t understand why you HAVE to go. Did they not invite you? Bc that’s a question not a demand? We went to my in laws the first pesach we were married and I told my husband never again bc this isn’t how pesach should be. He understood what I meant. Honestly the way my sils and I get around making my inlaws feel bad that no one wants to go to them is invite them to us instead. But again I’m not understanding the force here. Anytime we’ve gone away for a yuntif it’s either us asking if there’s room and could we come (in which case we obviously offer to help pay and cook and clean) or we get invited somewhere and we choose to either accept or decline. And if we’re a guest no matter how it happens, we always try to help out while there

chestnut

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 10:33 am

lakewood mom wrote:

Correct. Are her in-laws a regular family where everyone chips in, an elderly couple physically unable to make Yom tov, or a dysfunctional family with everything flying and not a thing ready for Yom tov when OP comes?
So far I heard having to make their beds and sweep (their room? the apartment?) and some imas are talking about shopping, and cooking, and serving.
This is also the first time they're going to in-laws for pesach, and they have a baby. It's special for parents to have their son for sedorim as he's the one continuing family minhagim. Can't fault the in-laws for that.
We get it - it's not a catered vacation with choices of prepared meals, a hotel room, and built in entertainment, where your only concerns are what to wear and which dish to choose. But c'mon, grow up already!

amother

Geranium

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 10:41 am

amother Pewter wrote:

I don’t think op is spoiled or entitled. I think she is having a hard tome shifting from having a beautiful, restful vacation at a hotel versus going to family where everyone chips in to help bring in the yom tov.

That’s exactly what spoiled and entitled is. Expecting that because you went to a hotel every year in the past, you must go again and anything less than that is horribly slumming it. And anyone who could possibly afford it should go to a hotel instead of expecting their dil lift a finger, or they’re dysfunctional/stingy with their money.

FTR I think OP’s majorly exaggerating the amount of help she needs to do, mostly because the first example she came up with was peeling potatoes instead of eating fancy foods. That’s just basic helping. She was also talking about putting her foot down and not helping at all, as if she’s at a hotel. That’s just not normal and sounds like something my 12 yo would say.

Later she added on some other examples, but even those aren’t so dramatic. She also makes it sound like she and dil need to do EVERYTHING but hasn’t gone into details, which is likely because she has no idea of what actually goes into making pesach and what her mil will in fact do for her. And how exactly does she know how it’ll be if she’s never been there before for pesach???

It’s also not normal to expect your in laws to serve you breakfast and lunch (unless she means go shopping for ingredients but I didn’t get that feeling) or to cater all meals. Those are spoiled expectations from someone who’s expecting to be served on hand and foot and can’t figure out how to give of herself a tiny bit.

I actually don’t understand how many people are defending OP here but I’m gonna assume they’re taking her story more literally than I am….

chestnut

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 11:08 am

amother Geranium wrote:

Completely agree!
Am also shocked at imas agreeing with her. Every time they posted that it's unfair to OP to have her shop, cook, clean, etc, I was itching to ask where they saw it mentioned.

amother

Apple

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 11:27 am

amother Geranium wrote:

I disagree. My good friend married into a family that goes to hotel and her parents are very understanding that she goes with her in-laws every year. It’s really not a crazy expectation.

If op couldn’t go for some reason and was hysterical that would be a different story. But here she has the option and is being pressured otherwise.

How Dysfunctional the situation is by the in-laws I think it’s not fair to compare to a hotel, the question is is it easier to just stay home. For us it is so we don’t go.