My daughter’s wig is so long

Bnei Berak 10

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 3:10 am

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

Not necessarily
there are many reasons one wears a wig like that-
they are hiding insecurities.
they are playing out a fantasy of their childhood - dressing up as someone else - so to speak.
their husbands like seeing them like that.
social pressures.
sheitel macher pressured her.
etc.

Many women buy sheitels and hate them or just wear them to please others. The length is a fashion dictate. Girls are pressured to look sxy, this is the world we are living in.
OP wrote that she came here to vent as opposed to saying anything to her dtr. She never said she didnt like how her daughter looks. A wig is just something we put on our heads, it isnt who we are. OP obviously loves and cares a lot about her dtr. Let her vent.

Why do you think adult women are not capable of saying no? Women don't have any will of their own?

essie14

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 3:28 am

amother OP wrote:

I hope not, because I don’t want my dd to know how I feel. Just venting.

I feel like I wasn’t a good enough mother and didn’t give over love of yiddishkeit properly. I know everyone here is going to hate my post, but that’s how I feel. I wish I could go back in time and do better.

Oh my gosh.
You sent her to private school, you brought her up as a frum Jew and she's a shaitel wearing, kosher keeping frum Jew today, and all you can see is a shaitel that's a bit too long for your taste and you're blowing it up into a huge deal and blaming yourself for not being a good enough mother?
You're equating a love of yiddishkeit with long hair??
Please get some help. Is your daughter a good person?
Did she marry a nice young man and they have a loving relationship?
That's far more important than the length of her wig.
Please stop harping on the wig and appreciate your daughter for the wonderful person she is.
Your children are not carbon copies of you.
Please accept that for ALL of your children.
They will not make the same choices as you.
Her method of hair covering us her choice. Choosing to daven is her choice.
And so is everything else in her life.
She's not your clone.

Last edited by essie14 on Fri, Apr 26 2024, 3:30 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Apple

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 3:28 am

amother OP wrote:

I haven’t said anything to her. Just came here to vent.

They’re here for YT and the new sheitel really cheapens her look. I keep telling myself to mmob and focus on all the positives. But I don’t understand how she walks out looking like that. It’s an expensive wig but the style is so unrefined and makes her look like someone who cares about zexiness more than yiddishkeit. Why would she wear something like this??

Bash away!

Maybe she wants to look zexy to her husband?
Maybe HE wants her to wear it?
Perhaps she doesn't realize? Or perhaps she thinks it looks good on her?

Why should it bother you? Is it how others will look at her? Do you feel nebby next to her? Do you feel she has less yiddishkeit bc of the length?

There are women with short wigs, who look super zexy. There are women with long wigs who look super yeshivish.

My daughter wears a bit longer than me. It doesn't bother me. She wears brighter colors. She is younger, it suits her. I only compliment her.
Recently she decided to cut her wig. It's happens to be cuter.

My goal is to have a good relationship. Nothing else matters. When you have good connection, daughters naturally want to please their mothers.

Ruchi

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 3:33 am

essie14 wrote:

Unkind post. You don't begin to understand where the op is coming from, so your comments are really unhelpful and can be very hurtful.

Ruchi

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 3:36 am

amother Apple wrote:

Please don't pathologise reasons. That's not relevant here. What matters right now is that OP is hurt. It is unkind to hurt her more. Please think about OP and if you can't understand her pain, or offer any validation etc, please refrain from posting.

amother

Tulip

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 3:36 am

I'm just thinking, you probably should think very carefully about what you say to your younger daughters.

While it might be productive to their chinuch if you point out a woman who looks classy and refined, I think you should very carefully avoid the temptation to make any comments about things you don't like. You don't want them to disrespect their sister, or to ask you questions about her wig or especially to comment to her "Mommy probably hates your new wig!"

As much as you wish you could more effectively convey your sensitivity to your younger daughters, you need to be very careful around their relationship with the older one. And yours!

amother

Maroon

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 3:53 am

amother Natural wrote:

Sometimes I think women are clueless about what kind of impression their shaitel gives off and they're not doing it out of promiscuity. I have a SIL who's very frum, her DH is a rosh kollel, and she always dresses very tzanua. Yesterday we all got together at the in-laws and her shaitel was in a very messy ponytail with lots of loose hairs hanging down her face, and it did not look tznius on her at all. To the point that I saw some of her BILs politely averting their gaze when she came into the room. I'm sure she had no intention of being eye catching and she was probably just struggling with the heat wave and put it in a pony while in the car or walking up the stairs without realizing what she looked like. I assume many women dress the way they do simply because they don't realize how it looks.

A messy ponytail just looks messy. Not promiscuous. If people were looking away it's probably because they were embarrassed on her behalf for looking messy, like you'd be embarrassed for a usually neat person showing up with messy, wrinkled clothes. Not because a disheveled look is promiscuous or seductive lol. I don't get the automatic labeling of certain unassuming looks as seductive or assumption that all men are so attracted to every single look in a s*xual way. (Also the use of promiscuous in this instance is way hyperbole....do you know what it actually means??)

amother

Lavender

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 4:04 am

amother Natural wrote:

Sweetie, I’m sorry to break it to you but you’re the clueless one in this story.

amother

Taupe

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 4:38 am

amother Papaya wrote:

I'm not choosing sides here, just a thought- can we please be honest here, everyone? the long wigs Do look better zxier watever...I live OOT but in tri state area, and one of my coworkers, who doesn't cover her own hair, came in one day from a wedding in lakewood, and I quote, "Do they not realize they all look like a bunch of hookers, with their long zxy wigs and their 5 inch heels?"
That shook me up a bit.

Well, that’s a gross way of talking about other women. Frum Jewish women being called hookers??? By someone who doesn’t even cover their hair? And that shook you up?

amother

Natural

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 4:40 am

amother Maroon wrote:

Perhaps promiscuous wasn't the correct word, but she didn't just look messy. The hair hanging down her face looked a little provocative. (I may not be describing it well, but I was the one who saw her and not you, so feel free to take my word for it... or not, your choice.)

amother

Natural

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 4:41 am

amother Lavender wrote:

Sweetie, I’m sorry to break it to you but you’re the clueless one in this story.

Sorry you feel the need to be condescending. Feel free to state your opinion clearly if you'd like to discuss further. Smile

amother

Chestnut

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 5:20 am

amother Natural wrote:

Messy ponytails are very trendy. It was probably purposely styled this way

amother

Maroon

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 5:21 am

amother Natural wrote:

"Perhaps"?? Please look up the dictionary meaning of the word. I will assume you are not aware of the actual meaning, otherwise it's actually disturbing that you are even thinking this adjective might be apropos in this situation.

amother

Linen

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 5:23 am

OP, I get you. When my daughter got married she bought sheitels that are too long for my taste (and the taste of the "rabbinical powers that be", whoever they are). Peer pressure is real.
As time goes on, she has shortened them, and each time she does it she tells us. She admits that she is a work in progress and that there are many tznius challenges today. I never said a word, by the way.
Now I have a new daughter in law who wears long sheitels as well. And she is a really good girl. But I know for sure that she has insecurities from the amount of makeup she wears and how she never walks out of the house unless she looks perfect (like the rest of her family). I am working very hard on not even thinking judgey thoughts and just supporting her. I imagine she will eventually come around.
I actually have a bigger issue with the fact that dil is wearing clothing that is totally not modest, according to our standards (slits, uneven hems, see through second layer, where the actual skirt comes just to the knee). The thing is, it's not coming from promiscuity. I think it is totally coming from the styles in the stores and her coming from a clueless household.
Just tryinig to focus on her (many) positive traits and davening that she will grow in her modesty sensitivity.

amother

Natural

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 5:45 am

amother Maroon wrote:

Okay, looked it up. Wrong word. I'll give you that. But I still stand by the rest of my post.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 5:54 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

You are right. Short women with very long hair is a huge fashion faux pas. Ask non-jewish hairdressers and fashion experts.

Sorry, but I have to check fashion sense with a non Jew?

Ive seen short/synthetic wigs in a shocking color that I would consider to be as untzniusdik as the long real hair ones.
There is more to tznius than than length although I admit many super long ones are eye catching and meant to be that way .
The newlyweds are working it out, lets give them a chance to find their style - what works for them and is attractive to their husbands. Practicality will eventually kick in.
Im gonna state an unpopular opinion. We should be dressing to attract our own husbands and no one else.