Is this normal? Response after messing up

amother

Fern

Wed, May 01 2024, 3:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

You're right, it's not helpful that there isn't a specific end time right now. We were blindsided by what happened and not ready with a consequence except "you messed up and the privilege is off." Also there was another person or people involved so we want to coordinate with the other parents to decide how to best address it going forward.

Yes it is absolutely clear that this teen did exactly what she did, and she knows it, and she knows we know it.

I guess I feel like when I was a kid I would have been like "whoops I just got busted big time, lucky to be alive, hope it blows over soon" rather than whyyyyyy. Like are you not embarrassed that you got caught red handed? Maybe feel a little shame before you start on whyyyyy? Her response is making me less and less inclined to lighten up or go easy which I might have considered if she came into the interaction with a bit more humility. But if you don't even get that you messed up and need to take the consequence, then maybe it's not strong enough. I don't know but this is very confusing to me.

If the example is comparable to the iPad then she likely doesn’t see it as a big bust, more you being strict and she’s just annoyed you found out. Not getting any response from you for what sounds like well over a week is definitely not helping. That’s a really long time for her not to know what’s happening my kids would be acting similarly, they would see it as punishment enough. The way I get them to stop bothering me is by offering them to wait for me to decide on a consequence in X number of days or I can decide now and it will be much stricter and more long term. Gets them to leave me alone but I have to follow through on the timeline.

amother

Ivory

Wed, May 01 2024, 3:13 pm

I think you need to make it clear that the conversation is over until you decide how to proceed. Do not entertain any discussion about it. By listening and responding to the whining, you're making her think it's up for negotiation, which it presumably isn't. Let her know this and then put on some headphones.

amother

Wed, May 01 2024, 3:26 pm

I think I've made it abundantly clear that there's nothing to discuss. My responses have varied only inasmuch as "no" varies from "no and stop asking" and dh's much louder "no" and "you made the choice to break our trust so I'm going to choose when I'm ready to deal with it" and also "I said no, now leave me alone."

It hasn't been well over a week, this came up between the first days of Yom tov and shabbos. And it involved another kid, possibly more than one kid, and we want to coordinate our response with those parents so there was nothing to do during shabbos and yom tov itself. So technically about a week, but practically about two days.

It's good to hear validation from others with similar experiences because I was actually really worried that DD is some kind of disordered. I know teens are supposed to be irrational but I don't think I was ready for this level of stupidity.

amother

Chestnut

Wed, May 01 2024, 4:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

She is disordered. Its called being a teenager. Maybe she is a good shidduch for my son. Hes got the same disorder. Symptoms include whining, yelling, grumping, stomping, slamming doors, being stupid, and acting shocked that actions have consequences.

ellacoe

Wed, May 01 2024, 4:35 pm

It might help to have the conversation with her about why you are disappointed etc. However ask her to tell you what it is that she thinks it is that you are so upset about. This will help make sure you are both on the same page (and that she is getting your message and may also give you some insight as to what is going through her head) and it may also get her to focus on that aspect of the conflict, not just how you are ruining her life etc.

If she does gain a grasp of what it is that you are upset about, it may then also help to ask her what she thinks is an appropriate consequence for the breach of trust etc.