Only 60 people at DS's bar mitzvah

amother

Wed, May 01 2024, 2:46 pm

Is that going to look pathetic? We invited many more, but lots of people we thought were coming let us know that that night doesn't work for them. I'm trying to picture a bar mitzvah with 60 people and it just looks sad. It's also likely going to be around 40 on the men's side and only 20 on the women's side. Is there any way to make that look normal?

amother

Starflower

Wed, May 01 2024, 3:02 pm

mazel tov on your upcoming simcha!

Try not to feel bad about the number of people coming. Remember, this simcha is about your son's relationship with Hashem and His mitzvos, and Hashem will definetly be there, shepping nachas!

if you need chizuk, then there is a story in the Lifelines book #3 about this scenario. A woman planned a bar mitzvah for about 60 people, and only 5 came.

amother

Latte

Wed, May 01 2024, 3:10 pm

Comptroller wrote:

60? For a Bar Mitzva? That's a lot.

Many marriages have less!

Take a venue laid out for this number of guests.

MANY marriages have less??
On which planet?
The vast majority of orthodox Jewish weddings at all ends of the spectrum, chareidi, dl, chassidish from chabad to bobov to stolin to satmar, mo, yu, cc, cb, bmg, have over a hundred people attending, and that includes in town, oot, the uk and Israel. Most go over 200, many over 300. It’s not unusual to attend a frum wedding that has more than 400 or even 500 guests.
The non Jewish world is a big place with a very diverse range of people and cultures but weddings of over 100 people are common.
60 people for a bar mitzvah is not a lot. Don’t make op feel dumb for asking a legitimate question. Also at this point it’s doubtful she can change the venue.
Having said that op, it’s not pathetic. It can look very nice. If you’re a warm hostess and paste a welcoming smile on your face it’ll be a beautiful simcha. If you’re using a caterer or party planner tell them what you’re concerned about. They’ll know how to lay out the tables and decorate the hall in a way that will make it look less empty.

amother

Ginger

Wed, May 01 2024, 3:11 pm

I had about 60-70 men and 20-25 ladies … I didn’t care at all. I was so thrilled to be making a bar mitzvah and shepping so much naches to be at this point. It was a difficult journey and I was actually happy that it was small and intimate by the women. I knew everyone that was there was there with a full heart and fully celebrating with me. It also gave me time to give everyone the attention they deserve and also truly enjoy the simcha. I kept running over to the mechitza and I’m grateful I wasn’t busy having to mingle with more women. It was small but such a true simcha. Mazel tov!

amother

Stone

Wed, May 01 2024, 3:12 pm

Will there be boys there?

My son's simchah had two tables of adults and a long table of boys- it came in at just under 60. And it was amazing. Agreed that the size of the room makes a difference. Also what happens. We had someone running dancing and it made a difference. Over Shabbos we also had a sinilar number, almost all adults. Again it was great. It feels like a close occasion where everyone feels more connected.

amother

Mauve

Wed, May 01 2024, 3:19 pm

I was recently at a very small bar mitzvah and you could really feel the simcha. Everyone who was there wanted to be there and wasn't just there out of obligation. It was very simple and it was actually nicer than most fancy simchas I've been to!

Ruchel

Wed, May 01 2024, 3:23 pm

amother Latte wrote:

Most weddings over 100? yes. Most over 200 and not unusual to have over 500? NO WAY
We didn't have the family shul of my husband because we had TOO MANY and we were in your lower range

Last edited by Ruchel on Wed, May 01 2024, 3:38 pm; edited 1 time in total

Amelia Bedelia

Wed, May 01 2024, 3:35 pm

Many small simcha halls in my neighborhood have a minimum of 25 couples. That means 50 people. Plenty of people make simchos of just 25 couples (which can mean more men and fewer women- all it means is 50 people). Not pathetic at all! And sometimes a smaller simcha can be more intimate and cozy, and therefore beautiful in a different way.

amother

Sage

Wed, May 01 2024, 3:38 pm

I guess this is totally community-dependent, but we had 60 at my son's bo bayom Bar Mitzvah last year and it was beautiful. 25 friends/classmates, 5 rebbeim, 30 relatives including our family. It was so nice and warm and focused on the real Simcha. We had music and dancing.
It also depends on the size and layout of your hall. The caterer/planner should know how to lay it out so it doesn't look pathetic.
For Shabbos Kiddush and lunch we had more people, about 150 and 75 respectively.

watergirl

Wed, May 01 2024, 3:43 pm

I had way less than 60 adults. We had a small hall and it worked well. We don’t have a ton of people to invite, tiny family, and we’re pretty broke. I don’t care how it looked, anyone who might judge was not invited.

amother

Papayawhip

Wed, May 01 2024, 3:51 pm

OP, here's a story for you...

In DS's barmitzvah year, he went to parties across the spectrum, from simple to OMG lavish. At the end, I asked him which was his favorite (apart from his own of course!)

He picked the simplest of them all, and I asked why. It was in a small hall, not too many people, nice but not lavish food, a keyboard not a band - but he said everyone there felt a part of it, and really wanted!

Mazeltov on your simcha Smile

amother

Lily

Wed, May 01 2024, 3:52 pm

Amelia Bedelia wrote:

in Brooklyn the minimum can be 100-125 people...so hear what OP is saying... it can be community dependent

Amelia Bedelia

Wed, May 01 2024, 4:13 pm

amother Lily wrote:

in Brooklyn the minimum can be 100-125 people...so hear what OP is saying... it can be community dependent

I'm in Brooklyn. That would be in the high-end, lavish halls. Most people in my circles make smaller affairs with a much smaller minimum.

amother

Lily

Wed, May 01 2024, 4:24 pm

Amelia Bedelia wrote:

I'm in Brooklyn. That would be in the high-end, lavish halls. Most people in my circles make smaller affairs with a much smaller minimum.

Chaim Berlin, merkaz hasimcha... I didn't know those are considered lavish, but they definitely do a beautiful job.

amother

Jasmine

Wed, May 01 2024, 4:30 pm

I live in a community where the caterers package is for 100 adults and 20 classmates.
Yet at my last Bar Mitzvah many people cancelled that day or just didn’t end of coming.

We had 60 adults and 20 students. There were empty tables and it did feel empty.

We will be making one iyh very soon and I’m also worried we won’t have more than 50 people come this time as more family have moved out of town.

I’m spreading out the tables and less people per table so that it won’t look as empty. Not sure what else I’ll do. We already booked the hall and can’t change it.