Why do some people not share workers?

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, May 16 2024, 8:05 am

zaq wrote:

I think it shows a desire to be top dog in some category. To be able to say "I have the best ________ and you don't ."
As if having a great painter, accountant or hairdresser means that I, too, am superior. It's pathetic, evidence that they think so little of themselves that they have to build themselves up in this juvenile way. It's a lot like name-dropping, as if having seen a celebrity passing by or having a neighbor whose daughter-in-law works for somebody famous means that you too, are "someone."

The other aspect, is not wanting others to compete. If you patronize my dressmaker or sheitelmacher, you'll have dresses or sheitels as stylish as mine. Worse, they'll probably look better on you than on me. If I give you the name of my part time cleaner, not only will your house be fancier than mine, which it is already, but now it will also be as clean as mine, and I will no longer have anything to feel superior about. Plus, chances are you'll offer her more hours and she'll leave me in the lurch, in which case your house will be both fancier and cleaner than mine, in which case I will not only not be superior but I will be inferior in every way.

Yes, very sad.

Reminds me of a former colleague (who I wasn't too keen of) saying she had a male aquaintance who knew Michael Jackson and she made sure we all knew.
I left company and so did she and Michael Jackson passed away a few years after that. Every time I hear or read about Michael Jackson I quietly smile. I guess she doesn't drop his name anymore. After all dead celebrities are much less interesting Smile

amother

Red

Thu, May 16 2024, 8:24 am

As someone struggling financially I get my clothes from a clothing Gemach. Every few years, my SIL will send a few things. No one knows my struggles. People think we’re comfortable or well off because of our house. But we bought during the crash when the pricing was so cheap. Our mortgage and insurance is less then a 2 bedroom apartment rental!

So when someone asks me where I purchased my clothes I’m not going to say the Gemach or from my SIL, if she gave it to me. I’m going to change the subject or say I don’t remember, if pressed again. Please don’t press me “what, you really don’t remember “? On a rare occasion, it can be something I bought a long time ago and it didn’t fit for a few years and now it does again and I may not remember where it was from. So accept when someone doesn’t remember. They may have a valid reason and pressing them can embarrass them.

When I’ve looked for clothing and liked someone style I would ask at most where can I get work tops / Shabbos dresses…? The woman can reply with multiple stores.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, May 16 2024, 9:15 am

amother OP wrote:

Why are people like this? Help me understand
We recently moved & needed to do some minor renovations as well as painting. We asked around for references for a good price, and several people told us that they had used someone good but don't want to share their numbers.
They gave off an attitude that by them telling me who they used, I'd be taking something away from them.
What makes people be like this?

It can also be that they are afraid that if you arent satisfied with the work or have a problem, they will be blamed. Its like vouching for someone. They dont want to hear the complaints...

My experience is that people dont want to share cleaning help for fear of losing them but plumbers, electricians, etc they are ok sharing.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, May 16 2024, 9:24 am

amother Turquoise wrote:

I'm not like this at all and I'm usually happy to share any info I have about something if it will help another.

However I have this stupid situation that irks me every year.

I have SIL who has a small home based food business. I was known in the family for making several very unique seasonal dishes before a specific Yom Tov. One year my SIL decided that she wanted to add these dishes to her order menu. Being a nice, normal person, I happily gave her my recipes and tips and ever since then she sells these items every year. Which is fine except that now what were once exclusively my special dishes, have become her special dishes in our family's culture. I know its stupid- I incurred no loss by sharing the recipes- but it really bugs the immature baby in me.

So make yours special in a way she doesnt. You know the recipe best. You can add or make it specially yours.
Your SIL would name the dishes after you, Amy's mushroom beet salad or Amys eggplant and lychee nut casserole...just a hakaras hatov that gives honor to your sharing your recipe.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, May 16 2024, 9:32 am

amother Tulip wrote:

I helped someone out by coordinating with my cleaning lady so that my neighbor can hire her.

The neighbor proceeded to pay her above the asking rate and then within a month took my hours.

Don't tell me that this neighbor didn't do something nasty and selfish. I'm not saying that she did something illegal. But it was underhanded. I know that she knows by the amount of times she has made sure to tell me that she's in the right even though I have never confronted her nor 6do I discuss the matter. It's not my job to teach her middos. So I just smile and change the topic.

You are in good company. I dont know how people live with themselves. And this is why you never share cleaning help unless its with family.

Sounds like your neighbor doth protesteth too much...You have a lot of class, I salute you.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, May 16 2024, 9:40 am

zaq wrote:

And a way to hide a flaw by boasting your "top dog category", or not have to work on that middah.

amother

Thu, May 16 2024, 9:53 am

fradiefraysie wrote:

I have done this - not shared the number of a service provider. The reason I did it was to protect the service provider from potential clients who I knew would cause him headaches because they are unreasonable people.

But this is not the case here bh.
It was said with a certain attitude that it doesn't "paas" for them that I should use the same painters they did. Like it would make them look bad if I used the same painters they did.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, May 16 2024, 10:11 am

amother OP wrote:

Maybe they are afraid their painters are good enough for you?

amother

cornflower

Thu, May 16 2024, 10:14 am

amother Green wrote:

Cleaning help is different because you need the cleaning help on a regular basis. So they can only help a limited number of people. It's perfectly understandable why someone wouldn't want to share their cleaning help with others.

Off topic but please don’t call your housekeeper your cleaning help. It’s a bit dehumanizing. You can say cleaning lady, cleaning person, housekeeper. Yes they help you but it’s a little dehumanizing to call them the help.

amother

Green

Thu, May 16 2024, 11:33 am

amother cornflower wrote:

I deliberately chose that wording because I was lumping together cleaning crews as well as individual cleaners. It’s interesting that you consider it dehumanizing. I also don’t have a housekeeper, a cleaning lady, a cleaning person, or cleaning help, so it’s definitely not an issue for me Smile

zaq

Thu, May 16 2024, 2:36 pm

I don't find the term "cleaning lady" very respectful at all. And "housekeeper" implies a great deal more time and responsibility than four hours twice a week cleaning up after your family. The Israeli term for the person who does this is "ozeret"--literally, a helper. Because that's what she does--she helps you. Ergo, she's the "help."

amother

Ecru

Thu, May 16 2024, 3:45 pm

amother Green wrote:

My dh does minor repairs and if he works on one house then often he'll be called to do the rest of the block within the month. He also does whole extended families, and friends, and all the seniors who attend a particular shiur. I really don't think what you're describing is usual.

I love this and I have such nachas when people who I recommend get full! Learned this from my mother and I think it’s basic fargining

B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, May 16 2024, 3:47 pm

zaq wrote:

You took (some of ) the words out of my mouth. Cleaning help is a catagory not specific and can be male or female. Housekeeper and cleaning lady are generally female. ( Men make for great cleaning help too)
The form "help" is used as the focus is on the family to run the home (or specifically and traditionally the Mother), the hired person is really helping her. If you prefer call it a House Cleaning Service.
There are experts like Window washers (is that more respectful?) and Carpet Cleaners Service.

Whatever you call it, my advice, dont share!