Who is right | Imamother

amother

Thu, May 23 2024, 9:58 am

FTM here.

My 2 year old started spilling things while looking at me for a reaction (he's obviously spilled things before but more for fun or exploration for him vs trying to see how I'll react). I just put it away and say we can't have it now. My husband said we should do a short time out but I really feel that it's not necessary here. I'm not against the concept of a timeout but it doesn't seem needed when it's just age appropriate behavior that he'll outgrow.

Who is right here?

amother

Darkblue

Thu, May 23 2024, 10:00 am

Putting away whatever he's spilling, makes more sense than a time-out.
A consequence, should generally be in connection to what he did. He spills on purpose, so he can't have more of what he spilled. That's basically the natural consequence to the action.

ShishKabob

Thu, May 23 2024, 10:02 am

There's something to listening to your dh and respecting his opinion regarding this. It's not who is right or wrong. It's that you're setting up the tone of your childrearing setup. I'm assuming that you want to be on the same page as your dh. There's nothing more stable for a child to receive the same message from both parents.
You can discuss this together and exchange your opinions on the pros of each approach. But don't just dismiss what your dh has to say. Lots of hatzlocha and sholom!

amother

Darkblue

Thu, May 23 2024, 10:03 am

amother Moonstone wrote:

I wouldn't discipline a baby. He's adorable 😍. I'd laught about it

It's not adorable if we need to clean sticky dirty messes multiple times a day.
A 2 year old is old enough to be disciplined in an age appropriate way. We're not supposed to just allow our toddler to spill food/drink for the fun of it. We teach them in an age appropriate way. They understand if we tell them "you spilled your juice, so no more juice. We are putting away the juice now."

michimochi

Thu, May 23 2024, 10:03 am

I would say your idea is right, but the right action isn't based solely on that, unfortunately. You and your husband need to agree on a response to your toddler's reaction-fishing, and just saying "other moms say my way is right" isn't likely to get you anywhere.

Maybe if you bring supporting research as to how timeouts vs your method affect kids, and how the thoughts behind their behaviours are innocent. You could also give his timeout idea a try and see if it changes your son's behavior at all, and then regroup with DH about a new plan if it doesn't. Then he will have seen for himself.

amother

Thu, May 23 2024, 10:03 am

amother Darkblue wrote:

Yes this is how I feel.

I guess I'm surprised how hard it is to discuss parenting with my husband. In general we tend to have similar opinions on things or it doesn't really matter who gives in but here it's more difficult.

zaq

Thu, May 23 2024, 10:03 am

Why does everything have to be couched in terms of right or wrong? There's no right or wrong here, just different philosophies. If your method works, great. If not, try your husband's method. If that works, great. If not, look for something else.

amother

Black

Thu, May 23 2024, 10:05 am

amother Darkblue wrote:

This. When they are babies then I wouldn't do this, but at 2, and like OP said it's clearly a test, then don't give more. He'll get it after a while (hopefully)

Also, say in a stern voice. No, we don't spill...

amother

Darkblue

Thu, May 23 2024, 10:05 am

amother OP wrote:

It's very important to not argue with your husband in front of your child. As young as they are, they feel it. And not everything should be made in to a battle of who's right and who's wrong. It's just different methods & one makes more sense than the other.

amother

Thu, May 23 2024, 10:08 am

ShishKabob wrote:

Thank you yes I do want us to have a united front. Amen to your bracha!

amother

Beige

Thu, May 23 2024, 10:15 am

It all depends on how everything is done. What exactly is a time out and how is that carried out? I believe in natural consequences. A natural consequence of spilling intentionally and making a mess is not getting more and mommy/Totty is now not available to play or do something fun with you while the mess has to be cleaned (and spend enough time that they feel it -like spend 20 more second after they are bored/wanting you) . Is not being available to play, and having to sit in a chair so they don’t make a mess while you are cleaning a time out or a natural consequence?
What does your DH mean by a time out? People use different words to express different things and different words to express the same thing. Furthermore, the same actions can have different meanings in different contexts. Speak with DH and spell it out.

amother

Thu, May 23 2024, 10:16 am

Thank you for everyone's responses on how to frame the issue (not as right vs wrong...) We're going to have many many years of figuring all this out together ahead iy"H so definitely a good reminder of the right mindset here.

amother

Thu, May 23 2024, 10:18 am

amother Beige wrote:

It all depends on how everything is done. What exactly is a lime out and how is that carried out? I believe in natural consequences. A natural consequence of spilling intentionally and making a mess is not getting more and mommy/Totty is now not available to play or do something fun with you while the mess has to be cleaned (and spend enough time that they feel it -like spend 20 more second after they are bored/wanting you) . Is not being available to play, and having to sit in a chair so they don’t make a mess while you are cleaning a time out or a natural consequence?
What does your DH mean by a time out? People use different words to express different things and different words to express the same thing. Furthermore, the same actions can have different meanings in different contexts. Speak with DH and spell it out.

I told him we'll discuss more tonight (we were talking in front of my two year old and I didn't want to continue that) but I think he means to put him in his crib for two minutes (I assume while the parent cleans up). But you're right that I should clarify more of what he means.

ddmom

Thu, May 23 2024, 10:40 am

amother Moonstone wrote:

I wouldn't discipline a baby. He's adorable 😍. I'd laught about it

It might be cute at 2(I'm not sure about that but...) when they're 4 or 5 it's definitely not cute!!

"I dint understand why mommy doesn't think it's funny, she liked it last year!!"

amother

Bottlebrush

Thu, May 23 2024, 10:49 am

I think in this specific case, you're right. In general, better to go with the lower level response unless something more is required. That said, I do believe time outs have their place. Maybe if you and dh can discuss when time outs WOULD be the better course, he will feel heard and respected. My personal view is that when you can remove the thing, remove the thing, with a firm NO for good measure. For a toddler, that is usually consequence enough. In a situation where you need to remove the child, that's when you do time out.