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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

Hello beautiful

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Seraph

Wed, Nov 26 2008, 7:09 am

Is calling your children "Beautiful" like saying "Hello beautiful" or "come here, beautiful", etc... a good thing or a bad thing? Or saying "Wow, you look so beautiful/handsome, etc"?
Here are the two sides as I see it:
Con: Gets people to focus on the externals, the beauty. Why focus on the externals when they arent your choice, its a G-d given thing. Whereas internal things, you can complement on how they behave, etc, which IS up to them.
Pro: People that are assured they are beautiful tend to be less absorbed with it. Meaning, its those that have a low self image and think they are ugly that tend to obsess about their looks. Whereas if they know from day one that they're beautiful, it stops becoming their focus, perhaps.
Also, I know I wish people would have called me beautiful when I was growing up. By just saying "Wow, you're a mitzva girl", its kinda like when describing a shidduch, you avoid mention of looks and say "They have a good heart", which makes you positive that they're really ugly. By not complimenting looks, people feel that the reason you say nothing is because there is nothing good to say...

What are your thoughts?

ss321

Wed, Nov 26 2008, 7:17 am

depends how old they are. a 2 year old (girl or boy, but seems to "fit" more with a girl), I dont see a problem. 6 year old girl, still ok (from an appropriate source of course. like a grandmother, aunt, mothers best friend, etc). 10 year old, I think yes, youre right, kindof encourages somoething that you dont wnat to be encouraging - like saying "whoa helllooo there gorgeous"-that type of thing.

octopus

Wed, Nov 26 2008, 7:20 am

once in a while, a comment like that can get a smile out of anyone (even with teenagers!). It's not something that has to be done everyday, but once in a blue moon is nice.

Beauty and the Beast

Wed, Nov 26 2008, 7:20 am

I think it should all be done in moderation. I tell my son how cute and gorgeous he looks when he is all dressed up and it makes him feel good. I do not tell him every day. But I try to build his confidence and make him feel special and loved every day.

imdl

Wed, Nov 26 2008, 7:43 am

My father has always called all of his kids beautiful, gorgeous, etc. He still does. He calls me other things, too, but he'll greet me quite often with "Hello, beautiful!" It's a great way of expressing love, and I don't think it puts any emphasis on external looks. It means, "I love you, you always look gorgeous to me." That's a wonderful way for a child to feel, and I say it to my daughter as well.

octopus

Wed, Nov 26 2008, 8:29 am

my father does that, too! It always makes me laugh and smile!

yo'ma

Wed, Nov 26 2008, 10:31 am

Beauty and the Beast wrote:

I do that, too and if they look like a shlub, I tell them so Rolling Eyes

.

I do tell my dd that she's beautiful while telling her at the same time that she's also beautiful inside.

avigailmiriam

Wed, Nov 26 2008, 10:36 am

octopus wrote:

once in a while, a comment like that can get a smile out of anyone (even with teenagers!). It's not something that has to be done everyday, but once in a blue moon is nice.

ESPECIALLY with teenagers. So many teenage girls I meet are incredibly insecure about how they look. It makes me sad. Crying

shalhevet

Wed, Nov 26 2008, 10:49 am

I posted this thread about this topic last week, from a shiur I heard last week.

zaq

Wed, Nov 26 2008, 10:57 am

It shouldn't be the only compliment you give a kid, but one of many types complimenting behavior, accomplishments and so on, and it shouldn't be excessive or all the time. But every so often, especially if the child is wearing something new or has otherwise taken pains to look nice, of course you should say something about it. For girls, it's especially important for their fathers to compliment their looks, because girls who don't get any kind of appreciation from their fathers are at risk of looking for masculine attention in the wrong places, or running off with the first guy who tells them they're pretty.

I'm very opposed to the philosophy that many European-born people had, that comlimenting a child in his hearing would spoil him. Too many stories about kids who got in trouble or suffered all kinds of mental anguish b/c they never thought their parents approved of them. You shouldn't smother a kid with compliments, or praise to the skies every single thing he does, because then the comliments lose all value, but you shouldn't be stingy. Kids need to know their parents approve of them, and that includes how they look.

OldYoung

Wed, Nov 26 2008, 11:15 am

As long as you say "hello beautiful" to ALL of your children, I don't think it's a problem.

shosh

Wed, Nov 26 2008, 11:34 am

Oh dear, I'm always telling my kids that they are beautiful, lovely, sweeties, etc, apart from my 12 yr old and 11 yr old ds's, who'd feel a bit silly if I did. But then, I'm always telling them that I love them.

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