our strange English language

deedee

Wed, Jan 11 2006, 10:33 pm

THIS SHOULD RATTLE YOUR BRAINS A LITTLE.

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak

fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely

language we share is only for the brave. Pursue at your leisure, English-

lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine

in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries

in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which

aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is

neither from Guinea or is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but

fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that

you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds

and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an

odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats

vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people

recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by

ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man

and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of

a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which

you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by

going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the

creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the

lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
to present the present.

8 ) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18 ) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Itta

Thu, Jan 12 2006, 3:32 pm

the polishing polish furnature reminded me of this one:

Quote:

The Polish divorce

A Polish man married an American girl after he had been in the USA a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange an immediate divorce for him.

The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?

POLE: Ja, Ja, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.

LAWYER No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

Pole: It is made of concrete, brick and mortar.

LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?

POLE: No. We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.

LAWYER: I mean, what are your relations like?

POLE: All my relations are in Poland.

LAWYER: is there any infidelity in your marriage?

POLE: Ja, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.
We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.

LAWYER: No, I mean does your wife beat you up?

POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?

POLE: NO, she white.

LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?

POLE: She going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?

POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?

POLE: She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read; it says, "Polish Remover."

hmmm... the dangers of miscommunication and language barriers...

(no, I'm not saying anything to anyone, just commenting on my own 'comment', nothing personal. k?)