How do you feel when you leave someone outside?

amother

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 12:28 pm

amother [ Salmon ] wrote:

Was is really a full day that they left him alone outside? Not nice.
1-2 hours- not so bad.

Just curious, what would he have done if friend wouldnt have been there?

I actually feel bad for the friend, he really wanted to 'take care of him' and didnt think it was a big deal to let the kid rest up in his house, and then his wife vetoed that.

I agree fully. I feel bad for him for feeling in between the 2 and I also feel bad for her as I know she'll chap what she did and apologise when she comes back home.

watergirl

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 12:46 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

It is ok to be uncomfortable. It is not ok to be the cause of someone’s discomfort. To be honest, I have tears in my eyes. I can’t believe that I live in such a cruel world that so many people think it’s ok to leave a kid stranded. No wonder why I feel such hopeless despair all the time.

When I said I was confused, I meant it and not in a snarky way. I am literally confused. OP feels she said everything in her OP but other people have said they are confused also.

OP said this is vacation. But she also said it is their own apartment. And she said they are neighbors. So if they are neighbors, how is this place their own apartment? Is it a vacation home? Then she adds later the location is Switzerland. Is OP also in that same country? Is she in a nearby European country? The 17 year old is traveling the whole night and has not reached his destination - how? How far is he traveling on his own that after an 8 hour journey, he is not there yet? So he arrives in the morning(?) and the friend who is a few years older (but OP says is not newly married) and he has vacation plans so his wife is not comfortable so says he can keep himself busy and at night the friend will take care of him? What does that even mean? Why can he not continue traveling to his destination? Who made these travel plans? And OP wants to know why they cant do hachnasas orchim on their vacation? The boy had time to kill in Switzerland? Is he backpacking during bein hazmanim? Why is this the friends problem?

I am literally not following this story.

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So the story is like this. My son, 17 year old traveled a whole night but hadn't yet arrived to his destination. A friend ( married and a few years older) said he'll take him with his car but can't spoil his wife's vacation so my boy should wait till the evening and he'll take care of him till then.
My son calls me, he's homeless. He said it in a joking way. But the thing is, his friends wife didn't want a "stranger" in her apartment when they went out for an outing.
My question to her is, how can you enjoy your outing with family and food when you know there is a boy sitting on your steps without a chair ( after not sleeping at night) or food , in the heat? Did you ever hear of hachnasat orchim?

QueensMama

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 12:50 pm

Watergirl, it seems op lives somewhere in Europe and her neighbor owns a vacation apt in Switzerland. The boy took a train or something to the area and is now hitching a ride with this guy at night.

While it would be nice if he opened his apt to him, clearly the wife is uncomfortable for some reason. Since the boy is old enough to be doing all this traveling, it seems he could go to a local shop, get soda and chips and then take a cable car or something and enjoy his day.

amother

Burlywood

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 12:50 pm

Imagine.... You and DH have full day plans that are very important. The night before (maybe 6pm, maybe 10pm, whenever), MIL's neighbor's 17 year old son (whom you've never met) calls telling DH that he'll arrive in your town the morning of, and he won't be able to get to his next destination unless DH gives him a ride that's one hour each way. DH really wants to help but you have these plans. He offers to drive him after your plans and says he'll be taken care of.

Morning of, 17 year old shows up. You need to leave, as your DH had previously told him. Maybe you have a full day spa planned, maybe you have a serious medical appointment, we don't know. All we know is you tell the kid you're going on vacation for the day. He's traveling for weeks with a bunch of friends so you assume that this is a resilient kid who can handle being on the road, so he'll be okay being outdoors for the day.In less than 12 months he's old enough to be in the military. Or you're so preoccupied with your plans and getting your three kids out, that you don't really notice.

Then DH asks if the 17 year old can stay in your house unsupervised. You won't have time to actually prep anything for a guest, whatever that means to you. Assuming all this, is it possible, that you can have a valid reason for not having the kid stay? This means the 17 year old will have to spend 4 to 8 hours outdoors during daylight hours.

I think it would be difficult for me to leave seeing someone sitting on my doorstep without redirecting them to another place, but why are so many imas so quick to judge? Why are we assuming the inconvenience to the 17 year old is worse than the inconvenience to neighbor's wife? We know nothing about what was happening with her, her kids, her house on the day OP's DS dropped in. Isn't there a situation in your life where you could see yourself just not being able to do this favor that time? We're not talking about abandoning a 10 year old.

mommy3b2c

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 12:53 pm

watergirl wrote:

I for the life of me can’t understand why everyone is confused and questioning the details and telling the mother that she is irresponsible. I don’t see how even one of those things matters at all.

Here’s what matters:

*boys shows up at neighbors doorstep
*neighbors say, “sorry, we are on our way out. Stay here till we get back”

That is all that matters. It doesn’t matter if it was prearranged, a complete surprise, a miscommunication, a hot day, a cold day, an irresponsible mom, an irresponsible teen, former neighbors, current neighbors, Switzerland, or Timbuktu....

A boy was left on a doorstep for hours because the neighbors weren’t kind enough to let him stay in their house or help him with other arrangements.

And a bunch of Jewish women all think that’s ok. I wasn’t lying when I said I have tears in my eyes.

amother

Denim

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 12:54 pm

I relayed this to my DD who is almost 17, and her first instinct was creepy that the 17yo has an adult friend. Is it the parent's friend or is the "friend "a pedophile?
OP, can you clarify-for yourself (not us) their relationship? Should you be concerned, should you/DH have been involved-as it is really your friend? Or is the relationship one of aquantance-not friend, and it was incredibly generous and he has no real connection which would oblige this and it was a huge ask?

watergirl

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 12:56 pm

QueensMama wrote:

Thanks. And I fully agree with you. Its so easy to ask for hachnasas orchim on someone elses cheshbon.

watergirl

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 12:57 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

See, the kid is on vacation himself. He was not left there, he chose to stay there.

amother

Plum

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 12:58 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

I don't get it, he's 17 not 10! He can go to a park, run some dumb errands, do any number of things until the guy gets home. If it were nighttime then yeah that's heartless but a few hours during the day?

giselle

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 1:00 pm

I think some of you are way overreacting. I personally would not leave someone outside all day alone. However, I would not be happy about leaving someone in my house while I wasn’t there. I’d faster take them along with us on our trip, but of course I have no idea where the friend was spending the day, so that might not have been an option. If someone showed up last minute and wanted to hang around my house while I was gone, I’d be quite annoyed. I don’t even hire babysitters. (Apparently for good reason as evidenced by one of the posts here.) The easiest Dan Lkaf Zechus here is that we truly do not know all the details. This story is a mess even after I read through the entire 6 pages. No one is “cruel” or “evil” here. I’m not sure I understand the wife’s exact thought process, but I can certainly empathize with her dilemma, even if I may not have behaved the same way.

mommy3b2c

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 1:00 pm

watergirl wrote:

See, the kid is on vacation himself. He was not left there, he chose to stay there.

That’s not the point. Why were the people not kind enough to help him? Why is basic kindness missing from this world? I don’t think what happened to the kid is such a big deal. He’s practically an adult and he wasn’t left in freezing cold snow. What’s terrible is the way the people treated him. And even more terrible is that so many think it’s ok. Nice people like you, think it’s ok. What is wrong with the world we live in?

giselle

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 1:02 pm

amother [ Denim ] wrote:

Sounds like they are or were neighbors. Maybe like a family friend. Might just be the way OP worded it. I didn’t get a creepy vibe at all.

amother

Pewter

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 1:02 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Are we sure this is a safe teenager?

Are we sure the couple has no kids left at home?

Are we sure that this freind didn't feel pressure to say that he will take him but then used his wife as an excuse?

Are we sure that after that text he did not tell the 17 year old that he will not be able to take him in the end but the 17 year old didn't tell his mother for faer that she won't let him travel?

Maybe its a villa that they rented out and had certain things there that she wasn't in the mood of putting away?

Maybe she just didn't want to give away a villa that she rented out?

Not sure why you're getting so emotional when there are so many details missing.

QueensMama

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 1:04 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

But the boy seems to have communicated to the guy that he was fine and would be totally okay. Guy probably assumed the kid WOULD be okay. he's in a vacation town in Switzerland. Lots to do and see

amother

Plum

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 1:05 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

I really have a hard time understanding why you're so upset at the couple. As a wife and mother, no way I'd let a stranger stay alone in my house if I didn't have advanced notice! If I knew before then by all means, I'll have the place ready and great, but if someone would show up and expect to hang out in my home while I'm out for an entire day I'd ask them to come up with some other plans. These factors like advanced notice, the full situation etc make a difference here. Now based on the OP, it seems the husband may not have realized it's a big deal and offered it. If it were me, I'd have to get the house ready then let him in and I'd be really really upset with my husband for not communicating.