Update p7: To all those who are jealous of me

DrMom

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 1:32 am

Geulanow wrote:

Have you asked other's advice, such as a rav, about this?

I would ask your bank if there is any way to close his access to this account. If it is not a joint account to begin with, then there is nothing legally preventing you from stopping this controlling dynamic.

Can you open a new account under your name only and have your salary deposited there instead?

I realize there is a lot more than the dry legal aspects involved. I hope you find the strength to get up and leave his controlling @ss in the dust.

agreer

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 1:41 am

DrMom wrote:

Get rid of him, girlfriend.

Rappel

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 2:06 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

No, he usually doesn't limit the amount I spend or say no.But, every dollar must be accounted for. I must explain why I need it, why so much, why it's important, etc.

Upon approval, I must be extra thankful for being allowed to spend the money. be it a few dollars, it was a great favor indeed.

So what I'm hearing is: your husband is reasonably thrifty, not limiting you at all, and you frequently go on dates at cafes with your friend. You just have to keep track of what you're spending, which is what any smart saver would do.

Meanwhile, your deep concern is that your friends are jealous of your wealth. Hmmmmm...

IMHO: Your life sounds lovely. Your husband sounds very intelligent. And you either need to change your perspective, or your friends.

DrMom

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 2:10 am

Rappel wrote:

Yeah, but she can't spend any money to order food!

Quote:

When we went out together, I just ordered myself a drink and you wondered why. NO. I was in the mood of that yummy pasta, I did want to order myself some salad too.

Rappel

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 2:42 am

DrMom wrote:

The way I read it, she didn't want the headache of going over the expenses afterward with her husband and justifying it. So it was more worth it to her to order the drink.

Maybe they need to work on their communication so finances aren't so guilt-ridden. But being financially intelligent is a positive, and I don't think there's enough evidence to indicate her husband is a financial abuser, as many in this thread have declared.

chanchy123

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 3:10 am

Rappel wrote:

She said she has to spend like a poor person even though she is well off because her husband will not accept her spending according to her actual income. Even though she is well off she couldn’t buy a 40$ item of clothing or food when out with friends because her husband would not accept that these are justified expenses.
OP sounds like she SHE thinks her DH is a financial abuser, but for reasons that we do not know she doesn’t want to divorce or feels she cannot divorce.
If this were just prudent finances, she would not be so frustrated and her coworkers (who presumably make similar salaries) would not be surprised that she spends so much less than they do.

amother

Poppy

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 4:25 am

I don't know why everyone is rushing to suggest divorce.
Op's dh is financially controlling, yes. He is overly frugal relative to their income. He is a nudnik and demands accountability.

However, maybe if op stood up to him and firmly put a stop to it, it would stop. Maybe she is too much of a people pleaser and thinks it's normal to explain to your dh what exactly you ordered at the restaurant with your friends.

OP- most women I know who work and are not living hand to mouth have their own credit card. You spend what you want there, and there is no need to show your dh the details of what you spent at the end of the month. Even if your salaries go to a joint account, your credit card details are your own. So he knows you spent x sum at the end of the month, but there is no need for him to know exactly on what.

I would feel extremely micromanaged if my dh was going over my credit card bill. We both work, and we both try to be reasonable about spending.

Get a credit card on your own name, and don't show him the details. Tell him it makes you feel micromanaged. A woman deserves her own space. As does a man. I don't go over my dh's credit card bill either. (Again, if you are living in poverty, that's a different situation and requires more attention to detail).

amother

Olive

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 6:59 am

there is frugal, financially responsible and the like.
then there is having to sit and account for every penny every purchase. And having a controlling unhealthy dynamic.
no one literally no one would want to have to live like that.
think about it.

hugs and hatzlocha Op

yes a good therapist can help you clarify these dynamics and work toward a healthier way to live

walking around with a false facade and carrying a heavy secret is very burdensome and stressful on many levels

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 7:22 am

Some people are crazy budget conscious and get excited about every penny they don't spend. Like a relative keeps asking me if I am getting free food boxes. It would be so exciting to her if I would. I did sign up and only received once.... not sure why. People have different minds with spending money and are accountable for every penny which could be good,(hey, maybe they have more money than me because they actually think 100x before making a purchase and now saved plenty.) Or bad ( did you forget Hashem will take care of you, and obsession with anything isn't good.) There are sicknesses that people have dealing with money, different obsessions and they are quite difficult to live with. Sorry if this is disorganized or a mumble jumble, but all I can say is when someone is raised with a certain thought process of not spending or counting every penny, or always getting the best deal, it takes years to change that inner child. I was a child raised with unhealthy thinking in relation to money as one of my parents made us children nuts about buying the wrong expensive cottage cheese and should go return, etc. This parent is always looking at everyone's money, how much they have, how they really have and don't spend, etc when they really have a problem with money.
So I understand you are in a difficult situation. Daven to Hashem for siatta dishmaya and emuna and you definitely can learn to speak up for yourself that you don't want to be interrogated about every penny you spend.
Wishing you only bracha in your life.

amother

Wine

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 7:37 am

I’ve had to do the same, but the difference was I had to beg for the money and was told “no” many times, even a small amount like $5. The excuse always was that he didn’t have the money. I got myself a job and I told him that it will be directly deposited into my account and I will use it as I see fit. If he wants me to contribute to the household income then he needs me to be able to withdraw funds from our shared account . I can’t describe the freedom I feel in comparison to those days that I allowed him to dictate whether I could replace my underpants that were fully of holes and tights that had runs.
Unfortunately in situations like these we can’t act like the perfect eishes chayil. We need to stand up for ourselves too and respect ourselves. This is a very sore subject for me because I’ve lived it.
And it always came along with the comments from him that I can’t complain. I don’t know how much I have to be grateful for that he’s such a good DH compared to all the garbage out there.

amother

Yolk

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 7:42 am

Op, my husband is financially abusive plus we have other issues. For many years I also thought, I can't, he doesnt let. Eventually things got so bad that I figured out a way to go to therapy behind his back, because its a waste of money, so he didn't let.

Bh she helped me become much stronger and more confident. And I realized that I can. And it doesn't matter if he doesn't let. I dont let him control me. And yes, he's angry at me. So what? I'm angry at him for how he treats me.

My marriage isn't in a better place, but I am. I'm stronger and I'm calmer. I don't stress over his issues anymore. And because of that I'm a better mother.

Op, I hope one day you will have menuchas hanefesh.

amother

Stone

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 8:03 am

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

Wow, I could have written almost all of this. But for me when I started earning money, the abuse escalated a lot. Seems he had the need to control and if he couldn't control financially then he started doing this in other ways, including trying really hard and in a vicious way to sabotage my potential for earning money.

I guess OP needs to find out if he's just frugal by nature which is bad, or if he has a need to control which is even worse I think.